JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Boho Dating

Yeah, dating's not so fun anymore. I went out with NJG last night, and the whole time it was kind of awkward as she kept asking me these questions about who I want to date and what I'm looking for - but all in the abstract. She freaked out about not feeling ready for a relationship. And then at the end, she told me that she likes really butchy women (aka not me).

Even though in therapy, we talked about how I have this trend to find people who are perfect on paper, fall for them, and then get heartbroken before even getting to know I am again. This perfect woman on paper, and I feel heartbroken.

Also, in therapy we talked about how I need to work on asking for what I want and focusing on not getting lost in the future but being able to just be in the present. But, the whole date I was future thinking, not saying what I wanted. When I got home, I tried to call to just clarify, and she still had her phone off from dinner. So I sent her an email which said something along the lines of I'm really into you, but I get that you're not into me and am happy to hang out with you in whatever way you want to define. I haven't heard back.

So, after that night last night, I woke up feeling congested and sick. I think its a little psychosomatic. Dad told me that he's got a cold, and I'm taking that on for him. And, the whole thing with P and NJG just makes me feel kinda sick. NJG asked me if I want a relationship and why, and as I started talking about it, I really felt that longing to have someone in my life.

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