Boho Dating

Yeah, dating's not so fun anymore. I went out with NJG last night, and the whole time it was kind of awkward as she kept asking me these questions about who I want to date and what I'm looking for - but all in the abstract. She freaked out about not feeling ready for a relationship. And then at the end, she told me that she likes really butchy women (aka not me).

Even though in therapy, we talked about how I have this trend to find people who are perfect on paper, fall for them, and then get heartbroken before even getting to know them...here I am again. This perfect woman on paper, and I feel heartbroken.

Also, in therapy we talked about how I need to work on asking for what I want and focusing on not getting lost in the future but being able to just be in the present. But, the whole date I was future thinking, not saying what I wanted. When I got home, I tried to call to just clarify, and she still had her phone off from dinner. So I sent her an email which said something along the lines of I'm really into you, but I get that you're not into me and am happy to hang out with you in whatever way you want to define. I haven't heard back.

So, after that night last night, I woke up feeling congested and sick. I think its a little psychosomatic. Dad told me that he's got a cold, and I'm taking that on for him. And, the whole thing with P and NJG just makes me feel kinda sick. NJG asked me if I want a relationship and why, and as I started talking about it, I really felt that longing to have someone in my life.