Am I Capable of a Real Relationship?
I've been told a lot lately that now isn't the time to be in a relationship; there's too much else going on in my life - Mom's Alzheimer's, trying to take care of Dad, a move ahead of me in two years when I complete my PhD. The teacher of the Imago class said that I'm just not ready; after I asked him what someone should do when they're attracted to the wrong people (or people who will only hurt them and are not open to healing Imago processes). He said I should work on myself until that changes.
The song "Kind Friend" by the Indigo Girls is playing. I used to listen to this song a lot in KC when things were tough and think about my friend Kathy and be grateful that I had our friendship. I miss her and my cousins. Augh, why do I focus on the things that are gone or missing instead of the things that I have?
I just have learned about myself that I do better when I'm in a partnership. I eat better, have more balance in my life, actually have a sex life, am more relaxed.... I want a partnership. But, I wonder if I'm capable of it. Are these people right that it isn't the right? Will it ever be the right time? My life has been filled with excuses of it not being the right time - moving around, other things to focus on, etc. When will it finally be the right time? Can I ever learn to put all of this pain, these patterns that I learned as a child to run away from people to protect myself because Dad was always so hurtful, this baggage...can i ever learn to put it all behind me and be able to approach another person with love?
posted by Karma @ 3:01 PM
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5 Comments:
Karma, I've been wondering along similar lines myself. I think you captured it very well, "Augh, why do I focus on the things that are gone or missing instead of the things that I have?" Perhaps that is our problem. I wonder if others feel the same way about thinking about bygone things. May be we shouldn't be self-critical about thinking about past things. At that same time, why is life so painful?
I don't have an answer, but I relate to your questions 100%; in that I can give company.
Karma, one thing that helps me to stop focusing on the bad things that happen in life is starting out my day by writing 5-10 things in a gratitude journal. Writing down the things and the people that I am grateful for in my life lifts me up out of the negative garbage that life and memories can throw me into sometimes. I am an incest survivor so there is lots of garbage. Today, I may revisit some of those memories but I don't get lost in them. If I revisit them today, it is to write about how they rarely affect my life and how I have healed those issues.
Whoever told you to work on yourself if you want better relationships is right. The most important thing that I ever did for my relationships was to work on learning to accept and love myself. Loving myself starts with accepting where I am and then deciding to change what I don't like. Loving yourself is the most difficult, most rewarding work a person can ever do. Loving yourself gives you boundaries. Walls are not boundaries. I used to view the world from behind this huge, thick concrete wall that I had built around myself. No one could get in and I couldn't get out. I no longer do that. By learning to love myself, I was able to take away the wall a chunk at a time until it was gone. I love myself and my life today.
Find a person or a group that can support you in this work of loving yourself. Have a glorious day.
Love that song... it's about Ani.
(agreeing with what your Imago teacher says)
I actually have a gratitude blog, although I don't do it every day as I should.
Knowing we can be happy on our own means we're less likely to choose anyone out of desperation or stay in a relationship that turns out to be abusive in any way. If you know what makes YOU happy, it's easier to say so to a partner. If you love yourself, you won't accept less than kindness and respect from someone else. If you like yourself, then you'll be more likely to attract potential partners who like you, too. (If you don't like and/or respect yourself, you're likely to attract partners who don't either.)
So...your best strategy is to discover what you like about yourself and what makes you happy in general.
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