JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Exhaustion: A Familiar Feeling

I feel completely and totally exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I want to cry, but I can't let myself sit down long enough to do so. Last Friday, I had intended to go to a vigil, but I was stuck meeting with an advisor until 5:30pm, so I couldn't go. I worked most of the weekend, and even on Saturday when I got a massage, I couldn't stop myself from talking to the therapist. My body is on such a run mode, that even when I'm relaxing, I can't stop from these constant thoughts. I can't really relax in this state.

I won't bother you with any more details of my running around, but suffice it to say that I have almost no time for myself. And I'm so behind with work that I'm no longer working very efficiently or effectively.

Mom is doing really badly - she's completely incontinent now, she's barely walking anymore, she won't eat unless nudged and reminded. I can't get anyone from hospice to call me back, and I just feel crappy knowing that she's doing so badly and there's nothing I can do.

I know that I need to not be working so hard and such long hours, but I'm so behind with work, its hard to stop. As my mother compares to disappear, I find myself more and more wanting someone to take care of me, and really feeling the loss of not having someone to do that. I'm almost angry at other people for not taking care of me and feeling like people who cannot do so are not worth my time right now. I know that the first step really is to learn to take care of myself.

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3 Comments:

Blogger I Survive! said...

Karma,

I know how you feel about work. I'm very much in a similar place now. Can't stop, yet can't work. It is a pain. The chaos must be overwhelming. It helps me to listen to music (ignoring everything else) during those times to help me come back to doing work. I guess all grad students face this towards the end of their grad school life. Granted it is extra hard on you with your mother not doing all that great.

Since my last post, I've started wondering about how much we seek order within chaos. It is very difficult for us to accept chaos for what it is. Check this talk between Krishnamurti and Chogyam Trungpa (http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5871006181947402801) if you are interested.

Hang in there!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008 10:11:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Karma, just want you to know that over the last few weeks while negotiating my own and my mother's illnesses, I've been in a place where I can completely identify with what you're saying about the anger. I've had fits where I've yelled at all the gods, "This shouldn't be happening! I should not be the ONLY one taking care of my mother!!!!"
I'm so, so, so sorry to hear about your mother's tightening condition. Speechless, just speechless. I'm thinking about you...not that this helps, but I want you to know this.

Thursday, March 06, 2008 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks i.s. and Gail. It feels good to have your support. I definitely am trying hard to find the order amidst all this chaos. I have been pushing back to hard and need to surrender more to what's happening.

I can't stop wishing though that this country treated its elder and infirmed with more dignity and respect.

Sunday, March 09, 2008 11:05:00 AM  

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