Exhaustion: A Familiar Feeling

I feel completely and totally exhausted. I'm so exhausted that I want to cry, but I can't let myself sit down long enough to do so. Last Friday, I had intended to go to a vigil, but I was stuck meeting with an advisor until 5:30pm, so I couldn't go. I worked most of the weekend, and even on Saturday when I got a massage, I couldn't stop myself from talking to the therapist. My body is on such a run mode, that even when I'm relaxing, I can't stop from these constant thoughts. I can't really relax in this state.

I won't bother you with any more details of my running around, but suffice it to say that I have almost no time for myself. And I'm so behind with work that I'm no longer working very efficiently or effectively.

Mom is doing really badly - she's completely incontinent now, she's barely walking anymore, she won't eat unless nudged and reminded. I can't get anyone from hospice to call me back, and I just feel crappy knowing that she's doing so badly and there's nothing I can do.

I know that I need to not be working so hard and such long hours, but I'm so behind with work, its hard to stop. As my mother compares to disappear, I find myself more and more wanting someone to take care of me, and really feeling the loss of not having someone to do that. I'm almost angry at other people for not taking care of me and feeling like people who cannot do so are not worth my time right now. I know that the first step really is to learn to take care of myself.