JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Time Flies, Same Patterns Emerge

I apologize for not posting for awhile. I've become buried in teaching my class this quarter. Today I'm feeling overwhelmed by it all. After some recent conversations with students, an in-class assignment checking how much they're understanding, and mid-quarter evaluations, I see that half of my students are afraid to talk much in class because they feel like the other half is going to feel offended. And the other half of the class is sick of hearing offensive comments by the first half. Both sides seem to blame me.

I showed a movie "Narrow Bridge" last night at Hillel, which was a HUGE disappointment. Hillel apparently did not even publicize the event, despite promises to me that they would. So hardly anyone showed up.

And so what's the pattern? I feel overwhelmed by my current situation, and I feel unsupported. I feel like I have to just get through it and hope that something better will be in my future. But, I always just end up feeling this same way again. Its like as much as time flies and things change, these patterns don't go anywhere.

I'm frustrated at the way that things are going with my current therapist. On days when I feel upset towards the end of a session, she tells me that we're nearing the end of our time, and then a few minutes later picks up her date book (even though we now have regular appointments) but to signal to me that its time for me to leave. It makes me feel like no matter what I'm feeling, I'm stuck with it until our next session next week. Too bad for me. I even called her today to tell her that I'm feeling this, because a couple of sessions ago, she told me that she thinks I don't take in how much she truly cares about me. Well HELLO this is why.

I'm feeling exhausted today after much running around, in part made more insane by a classmate coming in to town and last minute expecting me to turn my plans around to take her places. I have to pick up my mentee in an hour and spend the evening with her and a meeting of the organization. Then, tomorrow, I'm meeting with my research team. Saturday, I've got plans to take a day off to go to a meditation workshop. Sunday, planning for classes on Monday -- and that cycle won't end until next week Wednesday night.

I want to find some new way of being where I can remain grounded, where I can feel supported, where I'm being productive with my time and energy instead of running around in these stupid pattern cycles. I want to have someone to freakin come home to at the end of a day to give me a hug and just breathe with. I think that the meditation will help a bit, but really there needs to be a major shift that I'm not exactly sure how to make happen.

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Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

I sure get the exhaustion and overwhelm. I'm not sure what to do about not being supported. I am glad, though, that you talked to your therapist. Good lord, my T is pretty strict about time, too. But, if I'm all in the middle of something and upset, she at least lets our session go over five or ten minutes. I HATE being in limbo until the next appt.

Friday, February 08, 2008 10:23:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

I had a therapist before who used to let sessions go over up to a half an hour. It would be annoying sometimes waiting for someone else's session to end, but it always made me feel really important and safe to be able to work through my issues enough in the session to get to a point where I didn't feel in limbo and always knew what my task was for the week.

Friday, February 08, 2008 10:55:00 AM  
Blogger April_optimist said...

Good lord you've got a busy schedule! What are you doing that makes you smile? When do you get to take just a couple of minutes to think about what makes you feel good? That's just as important as any of the other obligations on your list. YOU are as important as any of the other obligations on your list!

Different therapists have different approaches to time. Mine was always rigid about it. Not because he didn't care but because he knew that other clients were locked into situations that meant they could only be there when they were there.

The key was that I knew he cared.

Of course, that wasn't as easy for me to say then as it is years later now! Especially since I had this habit of somehow only letting things surface as our time was up.

I hope that on days it's like that for you, you're able to go do something that makes you feel better.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 10:08:00 AM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

With my T, I try not to get myself in a situation where I've to go over. I start planning to leave like 10 minutes before the actual session comes to an end. That way, even if I'm in a limbo, I at least feel like I leave out of my own choice. Crappy way of cheating myself I agree... but works for me! I end up writing or talking to a friend from a better position than I would have without meeting my T.

The patterns are patterns. They might not change, but our awareness of them does. This makes us feel even more sad -- recognizing the patterns but not seeing the way out. This, in Buddhist terms, is the first glimpse of your own heart. If it is any consolation. I'm also in the same place.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 8:56:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

I spoke with my therapist today and at least got her to put a clock where I can see it so that I can have some control over monitoring myself. Thanks April and I-S for your support!

Thursday, February 14, 2008 8:27:00 PM  

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