JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Things Fall Apart, I Build New Things

A lot of things in my life are falling apart. See the last post about one relationship. The woman that I've been seeing at home, well my friend told me that this new girl had hit on her girlfriend in front of HER in a very inappropriate and rude way. Then, things with Cory...well, we had a conversation tonight because I've gotten this sense that he's not that into me but that he sleeps with me just to be sleeping with someone. Picture it: we're sitting at a bar, and he basically confirms all of my suspicions. Its all been about having someone to sleep with, and he's been too hurt in the past to open up to me in any real way, even as friends. So, I told him that I couldn't go home tonight and have any self respect. He was very sweet and wanted to apologize if he's hurt me at all, but I told him he should leave. When he did, I couldn't help but hold back the tears.

And here's the story with Mom: She hasn't responded to me at all the whole time I've been here. She can't really talk even in complete sentences. And then today she started choking. She wasn't eating or drinking. She just choked on her saliva or something. I think its a very bad sign that she's losing control of her swallowing muscles. I called up her hospice nurse, who hadn't heard anything about it and said that she'll come check on her tomorrow and have some tests done.

Certain things in life have to fall apart - Mom is going to die. I need independence from my father. It never would've worked out with Cory (he wants a completely different life than me and is a bit conservative and very politically apathetic). Its sad and scary to have things fall apart.

What I have to focus on is how to not fear too much losing things, to allow myself to feel the feelings that arise from all of this, AND THEN to shift focus onto the things that I want to build in my life and baby step by baby step move towards that. It was interesting as I tried to explain this sort of thing to Cory, Cory kept saying that he is trying to avoid the pain of his life and doesn't want to have to be real because that would only cause him more pain. What I think I need to do though is to face my pain. I have to be grateful for the things that my pain will teach me and the ways in which it'll help me grow.

This may sound very healthy and strong, but let me tell you, I'm VERY afraid. I'm afraid of not having anyone to have sex with. I'm afraid of my mom dying a horrible death. I'm afraid of not having a relationship with my father and of not having any family. I'm afraid of what the future holds. BUT, I'm going to try to face these fears and move past them.

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7 Comments:

Blogger April_optimist said...

Courage is being terrified--and doing what needs to be done anyway. Just as you did with Cory. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Huge ((((hugs)))) on all the emotions that must be surfacing concerning your mother and father.

Maybe look at it this way--regarding relationships of any kind. If you step back now and figure out what you would LIKE to have in your life (including kindness and respect and someone who encourages you to be the best of who you can be and who wants good things for you) then when you reach out again, you're like to find a whole new class of person to connect with and you're likely to connect in much healthier ways.

So what if you don't have sex for a bit? There's always self-pleasure. And a connection that begins with the heart rather than the sexual organs is more likely to turn out to be real and lasting and leave both people feeling good about themselves.

If you respect yourself, other people are more likely to do so and if you don't, nothing will ever feel right. Maybe begin by making a list of all the things you like about yourself, all the things that are good about who you are. Other people tend to value us based on how we do--or don't!--value ourselves.

Good luck with all of this. Losing a parent is so very difficult--no matter what the relationship has been like. Either way we grieve--either the loss of something wonderful or the loss of what we wish it had been and the realization that there's no time left to make it any better.

Friday, January 04, 2008 12:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Peg Lee said...

Just wanted to let you know that im still stopping by to check up on you. Mom has been choking on her saliva, water for quite awhie now. But has still not lost her ability to swallow. Please as much as it looks like death is right around the corner, it is not. Only for the lucky ones. Keep your head up and stay strong for your mom and by all means even for your dad. I dont know what your relationship growing with him was like, but he is going through alot of his own stress dealing with this disease.
(((hugs)))

Friday, January 04, 2008 4:42:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Hey Peg, my father has long been abusive throughout my life. You never know what will happen with someone with Alzheimer's, certainly choking is a sign that we're closer to death than we were before. Thanks for keeping up with me.

April - your comments are always so helpful; you should charge me! I'm thinking about this list.

Friday, January 04, 2008 8:14:00 PM  
Anonymous I Survive! said...

Karma, you are brave... I feel similar fears to what you are facing. You inspire me to capture my fears in words. Thank you for being there, as a friend and an inspiration. Hang on in there!

Sunday, January 06, 2008 6:01:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thank you!

Sunday, January 06, 2008 6:34:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Absolutely agree that courage doesn't mean a lack of terror...it means a determination to face it and, as everyone else who's commented here notes, you have that in abundance, Karma.
What a post this is...aside from catching me up in one fell swoop on your mom and your life, it tells me so much about how your indelible spirit continues to "write" you into the world! I'm so pleased to discover this. Carry on, Karma. You WILL make it through the fear and terror, I can see this. When you aren't sure of this, yourself, know that I'm sure for you!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 6:39:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Oh, yikes, I forgot to mention, I couldn't wait until I established a new domain to post, again, so today I worked up a quickie blogspot blog where I can doodle through my anxiety in the interim. Here's the url:
http://stuffandthingsandmomandme.blogspot.com/
No need to publish this comment unless you want to. Just wanted you to know where I am now. I'll be blanket emailing former readers a little later this evening, but, since I'm here right now, thought I'd let you know.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 6:43:00 PM  

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