JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Family Drama Erupts: Reporting Dad to the Authorites

Well well, the shit has hit the fan again. Dad called me again on Sunday and acted like everything was normal. Then, Monday morning I get a call from my sister. Apparently, Dad has taken Mom off the hospice service and started with some new company that perhaps is a hospice. She no longer gets music therapy, and there was some mess about the old hospice taking back the bed and wheel chair before the new hospice had brought theirs.

Dad moved Mom to this new hospice because they agreed to take her off Ativan (which she takes to limit seizure activity), to increase her dosage of Oxycontin, and to add Oxyfast. She had been getting Ativan 4 times a day, and now she's down to 3. They're doing that INSTEAD of just reducing the amount of Ativan she gets in each dose.

Dad had planned this already last week but had lied to me when talking to me about it. He's trying to Euthenize her and now he's found someone to help him. My therapist said that if I didn't call to report him that she would -- because she's a mandated reporter.

I called the old hospice social worker to get suggestions on what to do. She suggested that I call the new hospice and speak to Mom's social worker there. Then, she said that I should call the Long Term Care Ombudsman because he'll be able to act faster than if I call the Elder Abuse hotline.

I called the new company, and they told me that they'd page the social worker and call have her call me back. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from my father. He told me that the company has been instructed that if ANYONE other than him calls to ask about Mom, they're to phone him and not to say ANYTHING about Mom's situation.

Dad told me that he didn't tell me because I had disagreed with him and that he's not interested in my opinion because what happens with Mom is up to him. I told him that I only phoned the company to find out what's happening with my mother because he doesn't tell me. He went through some basics of what was happening, and we got off the phone. I was having a hard time keeping my calm with him, as was he with me. We decided better to not talk than to argue.

I phoned the Ombudsman who said the he remembered me from my previous complaint that Mom wasn't getting enough private hours of care and that since he had one of her caregiver's (the best of the lot actually) lack of lisensure that everything should be settled. With the current issue, he suggested that I call the Elder Abuse hotline but said that he couldn't help me. I felt hurt that after my risk of trying to help my mom, he had actually made things worse and almost felt proud about it. And, he was completely blowing me off and not showing any concern for my mother.

I then phoned the Kansas Elder Abuse hotline. They told me that since the new company is based out of Missouri that I have to call the Missouri hotline and should also call Kansas Adult Protective Services. This of course, only after I got to the end of making the report and going through the whole story. He said that what my father and this new company are doing is very serious.

So next I called the Missouri hotline and then Adult Protective Services. Each call took what felt like a half an hour. No one told me what was going to happen other than Adult Protective Services who said that it was unlikely, but possible, that I would be supeanoed if my father is arrested.

I haven't mentioned anything to my sister about what I've done because I fear that it'll get back to my dad. I'm really afraid of what is going to happen but feel very good about doing everything in my power to take care of Mom. I'm especially nervous about my father's state of mind (that Mom should die as soon as possible) without any care about what this is like for her. Its all about him and not at all about Mom not to mention any care about what its like for my sister or me. I can't believe that he's going against all medical advice and that this company would go along with him.

My father has been verbally and emotionally abusive to everyone in my family for as long as I can remember. When this is all over, I want him out of my life. Its because of my father that I am afraid to love and am waiting for anyone that I'm in a relationship with to hurt me. Its because of my relationship with him that I come to want to get people out of my life anytime they hurt -- I really want to get my father out of my life but can't. Its because of him that I have no boundaries and have low self-esteem. He has pitted every member of my family against each other. He's tried to sabotage me over and again. He's a monster or a saint -- Jeckle or Hyde. And I always open up to him again because he's my father and I want us to have a good relationship. But, this is the last straw.

I spoke today with my mom's cousin who may have just talked me into challenging him legally if he successfully takes my mother's parents' money illegally that my grandmother very carefully worked to make sure would not get into his hands.

And I won't feel guilty about any of it. I hope to be able to move on with my life - to be able to excise his abusive energy out of my life forever. And more than anything, I just hope that he doesn't make things too horrific for my mother.

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Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

Good God, Karma! I'm not even sure what to say. You can't write fiction any scarier than this. It sounds like an absolute nightmare! I am so sorry. For you...for your mom. Where's the compassion? God, it just makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

I am so glad your mother has you as an advocate. I know how exhausting it is sometimes to do the right thing, especially with all the governmental red tape and when it feels like none of the agencies are helping. But, rest in the peace of knowing that you are doing the strong and loving and RIGHT thing. Your strength inspires me.

Safe hugs, my friend. Take gentle care of you, too. ((((((((((((Karma))))))))))))

Friday, February 13, 2009 8:27:00 AM  
Anonymous tafka pp said...

Sweetie, I'm so with you... as if it wasn't bad enough that you're going through losing your Mom, and at a distance, that you also have to deal with this. I think it's perfectly reasonable to need to not be around your father for as long as you need not to be before you heal again. People all over the world cut off their detrimental family members for much, much less serious stuff than what you're now having to endure.

I'm glad your Mom's cousins are in the loop, and I'm glad they're there for you- nice to know at a time like this that not all family is scary... and I hope you've got yourself a good lawyer.


Saturday, February 14, 2009 10:00:00 PM  
Blogger April_optimist said...

Big, big ((((((hugs)))))) for you and virtual smacks for your father. I hate that he's doing his and that you have to jump through such hoops to try to help your mother. You and your mom are in my thoughts and prayers.

Monday, February 16, 2009 1:11:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks so much to everyone for their support. Some of my friends who don't have experience with abusers don't understand what its like to have this man who has been verbally abusive to me, my sister, and my mom for my whole life to be abusive again. AND, on top of it to be trying to control my mother's death so rigidly and thoughtlessly!

Monday, February 16, 2009 2:49:00 PM  
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Thursday, November 12, 2009 8:25:00 AM  

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