JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Z Doesn't Think About Me That Way

I sit here writing this blog on the floor of a hotel room on my way to Kansas City. Z is watching some History Channel show on some shroud that people think might have belonged to Jesus. It's 11:40, and he wants to wake up super early to drive for a very long time tomorrow so that he can get home in time for some lecture on the 17th that he's supposed to give, that I don't think that I knew about. Maybe I did. Everything is such a haze from the last few months.

Spending time with Z has been incredible - we've had a great time, and I really appreciate that he's been driving with me. Actually, he's been doing all of the driving so I've had a very easy time. From the first night, we've been "sleeping" together. I had the conversation with him before it happened and thought that we were on the same page, but apparently I was reading into some of what he said and what he didn't say (because honestly he didn't say a lot that first night). I thought that this was the beginning of us considering the possibility of a relationship.

But, I've felt a lot of distance from him - metaphorically of course, mostly we're inches away from each other in the car! So tonight, after he told me a couple of stories of married people who are very unhappy and shouldn't be together and that maybe long term relationships don't work and that he's not looking for a relationship - I stopped and asked him, "so what are you doing with me then?" He said that he doesn't think about me in that way right now.

So, I'm feeling very hurt and rejected. I told him that I don't think that we should continue sleeping with each other like this because to sleep with a friend is okay if you have the boundaries that it is only a friendship and nothing more, but I want something more, so to continue sleeping with him would be to play with my heart. And, I told him, I deserve better than that.

He's said very little through the whole process and it feels like if I bring up anything about "us" that its inappropriate/he's unresponsive. I just asked a bit ago if his feeling about not being open to the possibility of a relationship with me is about him and not knowing me that well OR if its something about me. He said, "I don't know what you want from me. We've been together now a day and a half." I thought for a minute and told him that when I look at him, I want to kiss him, and not because I just want to kiss someone and he's there. And I want him to feel the same way about me. He didn't respond.

Augh! This is so hard. We've got several days ahead. I may not be able to publish your comments, but I will very likely be checking my email briefly once a day at the end of the day, my faithful and supportive readers. Why is it that the people who are so perfect for me are so emotionally unavailable? I think that there is a lot of material here for therapy after my trip. And there is a lot going on that is about Z and has nothing to do with me. But, I am very disappointed that there isn't the space to explore something more. This man makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me smile, he makes me feel like I'm seen. And its ironic that I say that last thing because I'm sitting here on the floor of the hotel as Z now turns off the tv and goes to sleep; I'm starting to tear up, and I'm trying to be quiet about it so as to not let him know because there's not space here for me to cry. There's no space here for me to feel hurt. And that's being seen. It certainly isn't being loved -- but maybe I expect too much from people too soon???

Tomorrow, the adventure continues.....

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Blogger April_optimist said...

Wow. It's got to be so hard spending so much time with someone knowing that your feelings and his are on different levels like this. Big (((((hugs))))).

Saturday, December 20, 2008 2:38:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

It was SO hard!

Sunday, December 21, 2008 7:28:00 AM  

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