Depression is Setting In

Since the crisis that happened about a month ago when my father announced once again that he intends to euthanize Mom, I have gone through a range of emotions - anger, fear, sadness, hopelessness. Through this process, a deep depression is setting in. I either cry or feel numb. I'm having problems concentrating. I feel disconnected from my friends and have a hard time being present. I'm never hungry, but I tend to overeat.

My therapist said that maybe I should consider going on an anti-depressant. I have ordered some more natural stuff online and am waiting for it to arrive in the next few days. I figure that I'll try that, and if it does not work, then I'll make an appointment with the Psychiatrist at school (whom I sometimes refer to as my pusher). I may need to go ahead and make the appointment soon since she tends to book up and have a waiting time of up to a month.

I'm trying to keep up with working out 5 times a week, making myself connect to other people and do things with others, keep plugging along with work, seeing my therapist and the counselor from Hospice, and caffeinating myself to the point of being jittery just to be able to focus. I know can feel the depression setting in, and I don't like it. I wish that there was a way out of it other than medication.

Family Drama Erupts: Reporting Dad to the Authorites

Well well, the shit has hit the fan again. Dad called me again on Sunday and acted like everything was normal. Then, Monday morning I get a call from my sister. Apparently, Dad has taken Mom off the hospice service and started with some new company that perhaps is a hospice. She no longer gets music therapy, and there was some mess about the old hospice taking back the bed and wheel chair before the new hospice had brought theirs.

Dad moved Mom to this new hospice because they agreed to take her off Ativan (which she takes to limit seizure activity), to increase her dosage of Oxycontin, and to add Oxyfast. She had been getting Ativan 4 times a day, and now she's down to 3. They're doing that INSTEAD of just reducing the amount of Ativan she gets in each dose.

Dad had planned this already last week but had lied to me when talking to me about it. He's trying to Euthenize her and now he's found someone to help him. My therapist said that if I didn't call to report him that she would -- because she's a mandated reporter.

I called the old hospice social worker to get suggestions on what to do. She suggested that I call the new hospice and speak to Mom's social worker there. Then, she said that I should call the Long Term Care Ombudsman because he'll be able to act faster than if I call the Elder Abuse hotline.

I called the new company, and they told me that they'd page the social worker and call have her call me back. Twenty minutes later, I got a call from my father. He told me that the company has been instructed that if ANYONE other than him calls to ask about Mom, they're to phone him and not to say ANYTHING about Mom's situation.

Dad told me that he didn't tell me because I had disagreed with him and that he's not interested in my opinion because what happens with Mom is up to him. I told him that I only phoned the company to find out what's happening with my mother because he doesn't tell me. He went through some basics of what was happening, and we got off the phone. I was having a hard time keeping my calm with him, as was he with me. We decided better to not talk than to argue.

I phoned the Ombudsman who said the he remembered me from my previous complaint that Mom wasn't getting enough private hours of care and that since he had one of her caregiver's (the best of the lot actually) lack of lisensure that everything should be settled. With the current issue, he suggested that I call the Elder Abuse hotline but said that he couldn't help me. I felt hurt that after my risk of trying to help my mom, he had actually made things worse and almost felt proud about it. And, he was completely blowing me off and not showing any concern for my mother.

I then phoned the Kansas Elder Abuse hotline. They told me that since the new company is based out of Missouri that I have to call the Missouri hotline and should also call Kansas Adult Protective Services. This of course, only after I got to the end of making the report and going through the whole story. He said that what my father and this new company are doing is very serious.

So next I called the Missouri hotline and then Adult Protective Services. Each call took what felt like a half an hour. No one told me what was going to happen other than Adult Protective Services who said that it was unlikely, but possible, that I would be supeanoed if my father is arrested.

I haven't mentioned anything to my sister about what I've done because I fear that it'll get back to my dad. I'm really afraid of what is going to happen but feel very good about doing everything in my power to take care of Mom. I'm especially nervous about my father's state of mind (that Mom should die as soon as possible) without any care about what this is like for her. Its all about him and not at all about Mom not to mention any care about what its like for my sister or me. I can't believe that he's going against all medical advice and that this company would go along with him.

My father has been verbally and emotionally abusive to everyone in my family for as long as I can remember. When this is all over, I want him out of my life. Its because of my father that I am afraid to love and am waiting for anyone that I'm in a relationship with to hurt me. Its because of my relationship with him that I come to want to get people out of my life anytime they hurt -- I really want to get my father out of my life but can't. Its because of him that I have no boundaries and have low self-esteem. He has pitted every member of my family against each other. He's tried to sabotage me over and again. He's a monster or a saint -- Jeckle or Hyde. And I always open up to him again because he's my father and I want us to have a good relationship. But, this is the last straw.

I spoke today with my mom's cousin who may have just talked me into challenging him legally if he successfully takes my mother's parents' money illegally that my grandmother very carefully worked to make sure would not get into his hands.

And I won't feel guilty about any of it. I hope to be able to move on with my life - to be able to excise his abusive energy out of my life forever. And more than anything, I just hope that he doesn't make things too horrific for my mother.

Family Drama and a First Date

Dad called me up two nights ago to again tell me that he wants to take Mom off of Ativan because he thinks when she has seizures that she declines more quickly. Its so frustrating; all medicine tells us that she has seizures when she's declining quickly but the seizures are a result of the decline, not a cause. Its frustrating. He doesn't like the hospice that Mom is on because he thinks that she's declining not as quickly on hospice.

I went on a first date -- or predate -- I don't know. I met a guy on match.com who is perfect for me on paper: he's a JewBu, very smart, passionate, an activist, liberal. It was fun, but at points kind of painful because the whole thing is so forced. And I tried to get into to it, but its hard to make yourself vulnerable with a perfect stranger. To make it even harder, I met with a student who is struggling beforehand and had some meshugas with one of my faculty members just before that. So it was hard to get myself prepared. Its also hard to do light chit chat when there's so much deep stuff happening in my life. And you don't want to talk about your mom dying on a first date.

Arriving in Kansas City

I made it to my Dad's house yesterday early afternoon, and its been a bit of an emotional entry already.

The plan had originally been to drive Z back to his home in Chicago, but somewhat last minute, we decided to have him fly back from Omaha while I drive down from there to KC. This saved the two of us an entire day of driving and saved me a 9 hour drive by myself back to Kansas City. But deciding to cut the trip short felt a little like something else - it felt like a decision that Z and I aren't entering into a romantic relationship and so convenience is more important than a couple of extra days together. Of course, it logically makes a LOT of sense, especially considering that Kansas City is about to experience an ice storm.

Z and I had a little more conversation about us before trip ended, each time initiated by me. I tried to convey to him that I wasn't looking for what would happen in the future, but was trying to focus on how we approached the time together that we had. I don't know if he fully got that, but while he did open himself up a little more, I felt him still emotionally closed off to me.

At the airport in Omaha, I was surprised when he drove to the terminal instead of to park, so I just dropped him off. We did our goodbyes in the cold Nebraska weather. He was very casual and asked me to call him when I get in to Kansas City. He gave me a quick kiss on the mouth, and then I stopped him and told him this:

"Z, you are a unique man: strong but not aggressive, intelligent but open to other's ideas, independent enough to be able to partner without losing yourself. You make me feel empowered and weak at the knees. You make me smile and laugh. I think that we have a unique connection created over short, random, intense interactions we've had over the last 15 years. I think we have a lot in common and want the same kind of life. But I'm an independent woman just coming into her success and have no desire to chase after someone whose heart is not open to me. While I think that there might be something here between us, I don't know. If one day you decide that you want to explore what's there, give me a call."

Z said, "I'll give you a call anyway."

And then he gave me another short kiss on the mouth and left.

During the drive to Kansas City, I thought a lot about what all of this means. Through the help of my friend Tonya, I realize that just like Miranda was told in Sex & the City, he's just not that into me. And that may be for a number of reasons including issues he has about commitment and fear of being vulnerable with someone who lives in another part of the country. But in the end, I know that it doesn't matter; he's just not that into me. I know this in my head, but in my heart I still feel hurt, sad, disappointed, and a longing for more.

I do have one more brief story to share about this and then I'll leave the story of Z behind: So he and I had been sleeping together, and one night I approached him for sex, but he was too tired and went to sleep. So, I got up and started practicing yoga, trying to take my feelings of frustration and my lack of will power around my sex drive, and ground myself in my practice. Throughout the trip, I thought about practicing non-grasping and tried to think of the travel as meditiation, using an article that I found in Shamballa Sun by Thik Nan Hahn (am I spelling anything right here?) about staying in and enjoying the present moment.

Okay, so I arrived in Kansas City, and there's a car blocking my entrance to my dad's garage. I call my dad to see what's up - because its really cold and snowy out, and I want to unpack my car. He tells me that his assistant is there, and I should just park in a different part of the driveway (that by the way is covered in snow). I am SO happy to see my dog. And then I look on the wall and see that there's a picture of me and Larry (my last boyfriend) on the wall. I take down the picture and rip it up. Dad says, "that's your wall, so if you wanted a new picture there, you'll have to put it up yourself." His assistant notes that she told him to take that down. I feel hurt that my dad is so inconseridate of my feelings and feel emotional looking at this very special moment between me and Larry that I had forgotten about.

When I go to "my room" to unpack, I notice what I've left in the room and what I thought might be there but is missing. I notice that there's a novel, obviously previously read by my mother, on the bookshelf - the same novel that I'm reading right now. I find myself looking around thinking about what I want to take with me when I leave, what my dad will let me take of his and Mom's stuff, and remembering that I'm here to end this process of living here and taking care of my parents. This trip, I will take my things, and next time I come back will be when my mother dies. Then I won't come back much anymore. I am reclaiming my life, so that I can after all of this, start to focus on building a real life for myself and getting on with living it. Also, I want to shed all of this trauma of my family.

I'm thinking about this as my dad comes upstairs into my room. My dog jumps on the bed, and I lay down to pet her. Dad says, "you're belly's showing." I notice my shirt has moved up to uncover my stomach and move the shirt down. "You've got a buldge there. Not like me. See, I'm think." He then lifts his shirt to show me his stomach. I'm appaulled. First of all, I work out 5x/week these days and am in excellent shape. Second, I'm feeling bad already about being rejected by Z and now my dad is telling me that I'm fat. Third, I've driven for so long to get out here and that's what he wants to focus on.

I went to my sister's house to play with her kids, and that was fantastic. I hadn't told the kids of my change of plans, so I just came up and rang the door bell. When the answered the door, the kids yelled "Dodah!" (Aunt, in Hebrew), jumped up and down, and embraced me. We played and played until I was exhausted, and it was time for them to go to bed.

On the car ride home, I thought about the fact that I have a good life, and that while it would be nice to have a partner, I don't need one. I have an amazing niece and nephew, great friends, and if I want to take in a foster kid or adopt a kid next year or the year after once I get a job, that I can do that without a partner.

When I got home, I called Z, as he had asked, to let him know that I got in okay. He told me that his flight had been delayed in Omaha for an hour and that he got in later than me. I felt sad that we hadn't spent that time together. Z was very quick on the phone, and the conversation didn't last very long, despite the fact that I had waited to call him until I'd have time to really talk. When we hung up, I felt the sadness and disappointment all over again.

I called my friend Tonya, who was nice enough to let me kvetch about it for quite some time. I think that the process of letting go of Z AGAIN will be a long one, and that I have to remember that its just a process. Feelings will arise, I will let myself feel them, then I'll let them pass. I will try not to fight or judge the process.

Today, I am going to meet my sister and nephew at his school to hear some Hanukah songs. Then, we'll go out to lunch and then over to my mom's. I'm really grateful to get to go with them the first time that I see Mom this trip. I know that it will be emotional.

I also have a LOT of work to do -- I have to write an entire dissertation chapter, create my syllabus for next quarter, and if time, start creating lesson plans. I also have to connect with my friends here, go buy some food before the ice storm hits, start an exercise schedule.....

It feels good though to write this all and get it out of my mind and onto the internet. It feels good because I don't have to keep holding these thoughts, they're out there in the world. And it feels good because I know that there are some very supportive people out there who will read it. That reminds me that I'm cared about and that there's meaning in the process even in the fact that I'm learning, growing, and I'm able to give an honest portrayal of what this experience is like. [And by the way, Gail, I'm a little worried about you. Are you blogging somewhere about your experinece losing your Mom?]

Did I Mention That I Hate My Father?

Everything is falling through with my trip back from Kansas City to home. I'm offering people to pay for their entire way, just so that I can have someone to go with me, and I can't find anyone interested. And so I made a desperate move and tried to plan a family trip over New Year's at a mid-point between KC and my home. I got my sister interested in going and offered to babysit her kids New Years. I called my Dad and asked him to drive with me and get a one way ticket on an airline home. He told me he'd think about it.

Last night, I got really emotional before I went to sleep just thinking about what it meant to ask my father to do me a favor. I thought about how my mom would have immediately offered to go with me, and how she forced herself on going with me when I moved out here, even though she knew that she couldn't drive on a highway but hadn't bothered to tell me that. Anyway, I started getting very sad about not having my mom around anymore. I broke open this box of photographs that I took from my Dad's house of my childhood just to look at photographs of Mom before she had Alzheimer's. I cried and cried about not having anyone to love me the way that she used to.

This morning, my sister called to tell me that Dad spoke with her this morning. He told her that he wouldn't even CONSIDER taking the trip with me. Apparently, he's not even going to tell me that to my face. He said that he won't not visit Mom for even a day. I find that such a hurtful excuse when I KNOW that my mom would want him to come with me. She's forced him to travel to be there for me in the past and would NOT want me to travel alone for such a long distance.

I hate my father for not telling me to my face. I hate him for not even considering my safety or my needs. I hate him for talking me into bringing my dog to stay with him and then not helping me get her home. I hate him for thinking that I'm selfish by even mentioning such a trip, when it would be good for him to have a couple of days away and for the whole family to have some time together AND equating me having needs with being selfish. I hate him for not being able to act as my father.

And why, you ask, did I get myself in this situation in the first place? Well, I was dating Larry when I brought my dog to Kansas City. He had offered to drive with me. Now, I'm alone for New Year's and driving many hours on desolate roads by myself.

This Week's Crisis

Dad called my yesterday morning to tell me a few things about Mom. First, she's no longer eating solid foods and has been placed on a diet of pureed food only. Secondly, he believes that she no longer has quality of life and wants to hasten her death. He's asked hospice to take her off Ativan (which she is given to prevent/reduce seizures). He wants her instead on some sort of serious narcotic called Oxy-somethingorother.

I tried to explain to him that: 1) The seizures don't cause damage, they're the result of damage to the brain. 2) Going off of Ativan would comprise her comfort. 3) Instead of him just coming up with something, it would be better to have a conversation with hospice about how to keep her comfortable but diminish her suffering.

But he didn't want to hear anything. He was focused on how hard it is for him to go visit her everyday (without recognizing that he could just take a break from his visits) and what he had done for other people in the family who died in the past, even though those cases were often very different than what's happening with Mom.

My sister and I haven't been getting along, in part because I've been enforcing boundaries with her that it isn't okay for her or her husband to yell at me and order me around. Anyway, that's another story. But when there's a crisis like this, I like to start by trying to consult with others involved. So, since I didn't want to call my sister, I started by calling my dad's best friend. She told me that she had also told my dad that it doesn't make sense to take Mom off the Ativan, but didn't have a lot of advice on what to do. Eventually, I called my sister. She mostly wanted to kvetch instead of coming up with a plan, so I got off the phone with her, especially when she started planning on not having Dad over for Rosh Hashana dinner and will instead bring dinner to Mom (even though Mom doesn't eat, sis didn't want to bring her kids to visit Mom anymore, etc.) I told her that I needed to focus on the medication issue.

She called today to tell me that she spoke with the floor coordinator after visiting Mom, who told her that Dad could do whatever he wants and that they're just waiting to receive orders from hospice.

I told my sister that the floor coordinator is not a good source of what's going to happen. She has no training or background in this. I called the nurse on call at hospice who told me that they won't take Mom off Ativan without a medical reason to do so, and not to worry. The nurse who is in charge of my mom will call me tomorrow. I called my sister back to tell her this.

Tomorrow, I have to call the hospice nurse, the social worker, and then my mom's cousin to update her. Oh and call my sister. That all in addition to my actual work load. And if I get bad news from the hospice people, I may have to be calling my Dad to negoiate Mom's care.

Extreme Stress

I went to acupuncture today, and while feeling my pulses, she told me that my resting pulse was at 100. It isn't so surprising considering what's happening with Mom.

Dad told me today that the person that washes residents' hair at Mom's facility is having a harder and harder time with her. Eventually, she won't be able to handle doing Mom's hair anymore, and Dad plans at that time to just stop doing her hair altogether. He said that someone can wash it on her floor and then just comb it out. Now for those of you with "normal" American hair, this might not sound like that big of a deal. But, for any of you who have frizzier hair will understand just how appalling this is. My mother has had her hair done every week for as long as I can remember. And when I've tried to fix up her hair with a hair drier myself, I had very little luck. Its complicated to fix Jewish hair, especially in older women's shorter styles.

Also, my sister told us that Mom screamed yesterday when staff put her in bed to take a nap. Apparently, she's in SOOO much pain from being in her chair all day that it hurts to even lay down. What she needs is a high backed "jerry" chair. But, her facility does not allow it. Apparently most assisted living facilities don't allow this chair, even ones like Mom's which are "age in place".

Now, I've left messages for the director of the facility, spoken with the hospice nurse, and had someone from the Alzheimer's Association go out there to try and take care of this chair issue. Hospice sent out an occupational therapist and multiple types of chairs. But, still, this issue is unresolved, and Mom's neck gets worse and worse. She can't hold up her neck anymore sometimes, and sleeping in the chair is very uncomfortable, especially when they leave her in there waaaay too much.

I have managed to negotiate/manipulate Dad into hiring a CNA to come stay with Mom from 11:30-3:30 every day starting Monday. The CNA will feed her lunch, lay her down for a nap, take her outside, and I hope feed her a snack. But, it isn't enough time. She REALLY needs someone to stay for dinner. I HATE that Mom can't get everything that could help her since my parents have a ridiculous amount of money.

Speaking of money, I did get word that Dad has officially tried to steal this money that my Mom's parents left for my sister and me (its in Mom's name now, but is set to go to us after she passes - Dad is trying to get the money before that happens despite that its specifically set up to not allow him to do that). The bank isn't going to stand for it, and since I've got some friends there, the word got back to me.

On the upside, I've been dating this fantastic man. His name is Larry, and he is very sweet, caring, sensitive....everything I could want right now. His father died 5 years ago of early onset Alzheimer's, so he also understands what I'm going through. A couple of nights ago when the Alzheimer's Association person told me that Mom is definitely on a fast path to death, Larry came over with a DVD of the Simpsons, had me make tea, and then just held me.

Happy Anniversary

Exactly 11 years ago, I moved to Israel. Read here for the rest of the story. I came home today and ended up curled up on the couch. I felt bad about it for a bit, and then remembered what day it is and decided to be a little easy on myself.

Its been a rough week. I spoke with Steph that I don't want to see anymore because she hit on my friend's girlfriend. She asked if she apologized to my friend and made it okay, if that would change things. So, she went on to send some weird rambly, horribly spelled email where she recited everything that she knows about me. And then she didn't even send it to my friend, just to me.

And as she's also sending me like 10 text messages, my father calls me to "get my opinion." Then he goes on to tell me that there's some money set aside from my grandparents' that he can't touch, but he's planned on having that money taxed (even though it could be exempted) - and so we'll only get half. Then, he sort of tried to trade me not having the money taxed for having some sort of generation skipping trust be set up so that money doesn't go to my sister and I at all but is saved for our descendants. He went off on how he doesn't trust my sister. And then he admitted that he plans on taking the last bit of money left for us by my grandmother. The whole thing freaked me out. He said - soon everything will be final and nothing will be able to be changed; we have to act fast if we're going to do anything. I told him that I don't want Mom's will changed and that he's got enough to worry about taking care of Mom.

I'm going to be okay this year. Its all just making me feel tired and lethargic and unfocused. But tomorrow I'm getting a massage and have therapy and tonight I'm skyping with a good friend. So, I know I'm not alone in this and that this time will pass. I have to just let myself feel the feelings, and then let them float away.

More Family Strife

So, my sister went down to Florida to go to my grandmother's condo for one last time before it gets sold by Dad. Sis and I fought with Dad a bit after he got rid of a bunch of her stuff without telling us. Dad said it would be okay if when my sis was there that she'd take some things and send some to me.

My sister sent me a couple of sentimental things that were left including a couple of items that I bought them in Israel. I really appreciate having things of my family members who have passed because I think that it brings a bit of their energy into my home space. When I look around my home, I see many things that belonged to one of my grandparents (who have all passed away), and it comforts me.

Anyway, so sis was told that she would have to not be at the condo for several days because Dad's best friend would be staying there. My sister was annoyed because money is very tight for her, but took her kids to Orlando for that time. When she returned, the place had been emptied out. She heard from the security guard that Dad's friend had two large vans/trucks that they filled up.

I had suggested to her that she take this painting that I knew meant a lot to her and hide it somewhere out of the condo. She took it to my aunt's condo which is in the same building.

Dad called me today pretty early and left me a message. I was worried that something was wrong with Mom. But, Dad just wanted to know what sis had sent me. I told him, and then he told me that he only asked because he wants to know where that painting is. It is worth a lot of money, and he had promised his best friend that she could have it. If sis doesn't know where it is, he may call the cops and file a report with insurance to get the money for it.

I tried to explain to him that I don't think that we should be focusing on arguing with each other over money and material things, but instead focus on Mom. I told him these are our grandparents' things and that, like when other relatives passed, the family should have "first dibs" on their things before they're given away to someone else. Dad told me that whatever is in the condo isn't my grandparents' anymore, they're his things.

I then called my sister to warn her that Dad might call the cops. She was appalled, and said that she can't believe that after his angry behavior to Mom's Mom all these years, he has the nerve to be so disrespectful to her things.

I'm frustrated because my family is acting so dysfunctional towards each other, and Dad is so clearly more focused on keeping money away from my sister and I instead of focusing on how to be supportive to us OR at least keep focused on Mom. I'm tired of all of this fighting and strife.

Things Fall Apart, I Build New Things

A lot of things in my life are falling apart. See the last post about one relationship. The woman that I've been seeing at home, well my friend told me that this new girl had hit on her girlfriend in front of HER in a very inappropriate and rude way. Then, things with Cory...well, we had a conversation tonight because I've gotten this sense that he's not that into me but that he sleeps with me just to be sleeping with someone. Picture it: we're sitting at a bar, and he basically confirms all of my suspicions. Its all been about having someone to sleep with, and he's been too hurt in the past to open up to me in any real way, even as friends. So, I told him that I couldn't go home tonight and have any self respect. He was very sweet and wanted to apologize if he's hurt me at all, but I told him he should leave. When he did, I couldn't help but hold back the tears.

And here's the story with Mom: She hasn't responded to me at all the whole time I've been here. She can't really talk even in complete sentences. And then today she started choking. She wasn't eating or drinking. She just choked on her saliva or something. I think its a very bad sign that she's losing control of her swallowing muscles. I called up her hospice nurse, who hadn't heard anything about it and said that she'll come check on her tomorrow and have some tests done.

Certain things in life have to fall apart - Mom is going to die. I need independence from my father. It never would've worked out with Cory (he wants a completely different life than me and is a bit conservative and very politically apathetic). Its sad and scary to have things fall apart.

What I have to focus on is how to not fear too much losing things, to allow myself to feel the feelings that arise from all of this, AND THEN to shift focus onto the things that I want to build in my life and baby step by baby step move towards that. It was interesting as I tried to explain this sort of thing to Cory, Cory kept saying that he is trying to avoid the pain of his life and doesn't want to have to be real because that would only cause him more pain. What I think I need to do though is to face my pain. I have to be grateful for the things that my pain will teach me and the ways in which it'll help me grow.

This may sound very healthy and strong, but let me tell you, I'm VERY afraid. I'm afraid of not having anyone to have sex with. I'm afraid of my mom dying a horrible death. I'm afraid of not having a relationship with my father and of not having any family. I'm afraid of what the future holds. BUT, I'm going to try to face these fears and move past them.

Should I Sue Dad?

There have been big issues with my grandparents' estate since my grandmother died last here. My aunt arranged to get more than her fair share by taking advantage of being my grandmother's caretaker. And it is becoming more and more clear that my father is working to take my mother's share of the inheritance even though it is set up to go to me and my sister after she passes. My good friend from high school, who is a lawyer, has been pushing me to consider suing him after Mom passes, and until now I've been against it. But, I'm starting to wonder about it.

Clearly, Dad is going to remarry after Mom passes. He'll probably leave Mom's money to his new wife. And my grandparents were very concerned about setting up their grandchildren and would not be happy about the money being left to my father. Also, my father is using a power of attorney for my mom to make these decisions that was set up after Mom's Alzheimer's had progressed to the point that she was no longer able to make these sorts of decisions. Now, I think that she would clearly want my Dad to make health decisions for her, I don't know if she would be comfortable with him changing my grandparents' estate to take the money. It makes me especially frustrated too because I've had to fight Dad to get certain things for my Mom.

If I do sue Dad, he'll likely not want anything more to do with me. And granted, I'd be pretty fine with this because he's been abusive my whole life and it would be probably a blessing to not have to have that in my life anymore. But, I can't decide if I would feel comfortable doing it. Nothing would happen until after Mom passes.

Just to give you some context, we're talking about $2 million. What do you think?

Update on Dad's Health

My sister called me this afternoon to tell me that Dad got the results of his recent testing - turns out he has a 1" aneurysm in his aorta. If it gets much bigger, he'll have to have surgery, and it could possibly rupture at anytime and kill him. Dad, of course, has no plans to change his high cholesterol, high fat diet or start getting any sort of aerobic exercise.

Getting Back to My Quest

I've had this realization that I need to separate from my father. My whole life he has been abusive - calling me names, yelling, manipulating, lying, controlling, and crossing boundaries inappropriately. He has never been emotionally supportive of me, although he's been richly financially supportive as well as friendly to me in order to get me under his control. He'll go through periods of being nice, but inevitably the abuse will return.

The only way forward is to become completely independent of him. I can't learn to rid myself of the effects of the abuse if I'm in a situation to encounter again, especially in this repeated and consistent manner. I cannot remain dependent upon him for anything - not financial advice, not details about my mom. I talked with Hospice, and they said that they'll give updates to either my sister or I as well as Dad. And I'm going to have to let go of having input on what happens to Mom. The decisions are in Dad's hands. This is what Mom wanted, so I'm not going to keep going through all of this turmoil trying to fight with him over what I think is best.

I have been falling into a bit of depression, and I think that part of it is this anger that I have towards both my parents - my father for being abusive and my mother for allowing him to be this way and never standing up for me. I'm also angry with myself for not standing up for myself sooner and for not valuing my own safety. I have to express that anger and get it out of my system, or else it will turn in on me into depression.

I think that the next step in my quest is going to be to say goodbye to my mom, to come to terms with my anger, to find my independence from my father, and to work on creating a positive and healthy life for myself with people who will not abuse me. Instead of being with my family who NEVER valued my needs, I need to surround myself with people who recognize my needs and will support them getting met.

"Don't Put Her Call Through"

So hospice organized an informational meeting with the family and facility today. I was going to participate on speaker phone and woke up early and reorganized my schedule. Then, I get a call from my sister just before the meeting was to begin saying that Dad says I can't participate on the call because I'm too controlling and told the person at the front desk that if I call not to put my call through. I'm very hurt and angry.

I've decided that if I do go to Kansas City, then I'm not staying with him. He's out of control with these hurtful, angry statements, and I'm not going to put myself in that environment. I wonder if its worth going now at all - my sister and her kids won't be there for most of the time because they're going to Florida. I'm going to have to rent a car and maybe get a hotel. Its going to be expensive. I won't have a good separate office space with which to work. I don't want to see my father. And I don't know if there's much to do for Mom at this point. She doesn't know who I am and doesn't much respond to me. Its always horribly emotional to travel, takes a lot out of me, and puts me behind with work.

What if I just stayed here and went to Esalen for New Year's? I could catch up with work and have some relaxation. What if I went just to KC for a couple of days around New Year's? I think its a shame to not be there for Mom, but she was the one who chose my father. She chose to marry him and for him to be in charge of all these decisions. I don't have to keep choosing to have him be a part of my life. This is hard enough as it is to deal with without his abuse.

Family Power Struggles

I just heard back from my sister who had dinner with Mom and Dad out tonight, despite the fact that there's horrible ice on the roads. Apparently Dad finally shared that he's put Grandma's condo on the market under value for a quick sell, and he's paid someone to go in and get rid of all of Grandma's personal effects. We're both really annoyed, especially my sister, who had left some of her own things there last time she went to visit because Dad said he didn't have plans to sell the place right away.

AND after I'm doing all of the research, Dad apparently told my sis that he is planning on ordering the blood test for Alzheimer's. I still have to arrange on my own the early onset genetic testing, but now I have details as to how to go about it.

My sis claims she's going to Florida asap, which means that she probably won't be in town when I get there. She wants to get to Grandma's condo before it sells, even if the stuff is gone.

So now I feel like there are these huge power struggles going on - Dad's not being honest, sis is focused on herself. But, Dad is certainly not communicating well with either me or my sister, and I'm really sick of his manipulating behavior. I'm sick of him keeping me in the dark. I'm frustrated that he's been going forward spending his time on the condo when Mom's had such health issues, and he's been using the excuse that he doesn't have time to get her proper care.

Arguments, Ambulances, Seizures, and Pink Eye

Last Friday, Mom was bleeding from her ear. Mom's home called Dad at 5:30 am wanting to call an ambulance, but Dad refused. He told me some story about how she's all okay, and Mom doesn't need to go to the hospital unless she's bleeding profusely.

My sister pointed out that Mom was probably bleeding internally and that this is serious. But Dad wouldn't budge. There's an appointment to see the home doctor on Thursday. My sis and I have been arguing with Dad about getting Mom medical care. But, dad won't budge.

I developed pink eye after having my eye lashes tinted. Dad had pink eye last week or two weeks ago. I think a part of the infection for me is my body trying to tell me to stop over empathizing with Dad. I have to focus on taking care of myself and let go of this focus on him.

This morning, I was awoken by calls from my sister and dad. Mom had a big seizure this morning and was unresponsive so the facility called 911. Dad is pissed that he wasn't called and went to the hospital and took her back to the facility even though Mom had taken a lot of ativan to prevent further seizures and could barely keep her eyes open.

I spoke with Dad's best friend today on the phone about it. She's a nurse. She said that the bleeding last Friday was probably seizure related. And Mom NEEDS to be put on an anti-seizure medication asap. Hopefully Dad will listen.

Dad Dating

Well, as this third in my series on dating, my father called me up tonight to tell me that he wants to start dating. He invited a woman over to the house on a date, but she canceled last minute and wrote him a letter saying that she doesn't feel comfortable dating a married man and that she thinks its a betrayal to his family. So he called me up to see if I think its a betrayal.

I told him that I'm supportive of that. And that one day I'll set up a jdate profile. (I had to explain to him what Jdate is.) I suggested that if he really want to date that he get out more. He said he doesn't want to go to singles events because everyone will know that he's married. I said that he could just go to regular events and suggested that he tell women that he wants to start a friendship if he wants to avoid the freak out that he experienced.

He joked that I always tell my sister everything that he tells me. (I didn't realize that he knows this.) Apparently, my sister will come straight out and confront him on things that I repeat to her in private. But, he said that I can tell my sis about this. I think he is a little freaked out about how she'll respond. With good reason.

So, I called my sister (because I know that she'd freak), and I told her. She is REALLY upset. She thinks that its cheating on Mom. She told me that Dad isn't wearing his wedding ring anymore. I told her to try to have compassion on him and to see that he's lonely and that Mom isn't really a wife to him in the same way that she was before. But, its hard for her. I left it by asking her to try to think about how she'll respond when he tells her, and to try to support him. She said that even if she does, she doesn't want to hear any details or meet the woman he dates.

Insomnia, Feeling Broken, and Acceptance

At first, I felt super empowered about coming out to my family, but as time went on, I started to really worry about what Dad would do. My anxiety about this and things with Mom and school and everything have really been taking a toll on me. My insomnia has really kicked up another notch, and I've noticed that I'm stress eating like every night before bed, and it has messed up my digestion.

I tried going to a meditation workshop on Sunday. It was in the gorgeous location, and there were a lot of people there. But, I still had a hard time getting into it. In part because I missed the Saturday stuff, having had to be at a breakfast with my advisor. She had told me to send out an email to tell people to go to this one restaurant - - and then she shows up at a completely different one and made us come over there. Augh!

Anyway, my sister has been great recently. And then, as she was checking in with me, I got a call from Dad. He got my letter.

He sounded a little bit chocked up. He said something along the lines of: It isn't the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world is to have to lose your spouse and best friend. She's the person that was there for me to lean on through the hard times in my life, and I can't lean on her now. Now, I have to take care of this little girl that she's become.

Then, he gave me some spiel about how he and Mom tried to be an example for my sister and me (clearly hinting that I'm not following the example when I date women). But, then he was like okay, let's talk about these new phones that I bought and how the weather's been.

I'm kinda in shock. Clearly, Dad's feeling broken. He even said at one point how he sees his life as basically over other than taking care of Mom. Otherwise, he would have really tried to fight with me, I think. I'm feeling a little broken too - I can't relax, can't sleep, can't stop eating so much, getting stuff confused all the time. I even showed up at therapy today at the wrong time.

When I came back later in the day for my appointment, my therapist and I spoke about how I have this pattern of spinning out of control with anxiety and ending up like a hamster on a wheel running around feeling more and more ragged.

And here's where I continue with that pattern: I have a date tonight, which I'm sort of not in the mood for. This weekend is my camping trip, which makes me anxious because I'm not quite sure what to expect and not feeling super comfortable being dependent upon the people I'm going with. I going to go start up on taking anti-anxiety med before bed on nights when I'm super stressed so that hopefully I can start getting some sleep again. I'm going to try to make myself finally workout after a little hiatus. I'm trying to finish my exam and my fellowship application......

Coming Out to My Family

After two days of migraines and ridiculous amounts of stress, I decided that I need to stop carrying around extra responsibility and stress when I don't need to. I decided to finally come out of the closet with my family about being bi. I started by writing my dad a letter:

Dear Dad,

I’m writing this letter because I have something to tell you. I don’t think you’re going to like what I have to tell you, but I’m hoping that telling you this way in a letter will let you have time to digest. I’m telling you this because I love you, and I want to be honest with you.

I am bisexual. This means that I am attracted to both men and women, and I date both men and women. The first time that I dated a woman was a couple of years ago and that relationship was the only one that I’ve had with a woman. But, it will likely not be my last. And I’ve noticed that not telling you about it has an effect: I do care about what you think, and my fear of your disapproval has kept me from taking a relationship with a woman seriously.

Being bisexual may seem like an odd thing to you, but studies such as the Kinsey study from the 1940s indicates that the majority of people are bisexual to some degree.

I don’t know if the next person that I date will be a man or a woman. But, I don’t want the choice to be based on my fear of what you will think. I want to be free to choose the person that I feel is the best for me.

I know that you love me. It is very hard to mail this letter for fear of losing that love. Although you may not understand about being bisexual, I hope that you still love me now. Know that I am the same person now as I was before you read this letter; you just know one more thing about me. I am still [Karma]. When you are ready, you are welcome to call me so we can talk about this more.

[sis] doesn’t know yet; I wanted to tell you first.

Love,

- - -

Next, I called my sister. I spoke with her and my brother in law today. They were both great. They told me that they actually already knew because of myspace not being so private after all, and that they don't think of me differently. They think Dad will FREAK out though and recommended that I have them do some sort of spy work to get the letter before my dad gets it. But, I reassured them that I'm ready for the consequences.

Stress, Anxiety, and a Food Coma

Ah, where to begin with the stress of today. I had someone coming to clean the house who kept changing the time, and then finally showed up to explain that her cleaning partner and husband wasn't coming because his diabetes is so bad that he's having severe leg pain. All the while, I'm trying to finish this fellowship application that I need done like yesterday. At the same time, I'm talking to my sister who still hasn't heard back about this job that she had a second, third, and fourth interview for yesterday.

I had dropped my car off at the dealership this morning because there was some sort of recall. I explained that I had a meeting at 3pm, but was told that I could be picked up at 2pm no problem. At 2:30pm, I call and find out that the driver is still downtown picking people up and not even on his way. The dealership makes me sound somehow horribly selfish: "you're not the only person we have to pick up."

So, I just jumped on my bike and ran up to campus. Somehow along the way, I forgot about yesterday's change of meeting times, so while I showed up just about on time for the meeting, I hung out outside the room for almost 20 minutes, hearing some voice in the room and thinking I was early and didn't want to bother my advisor. When I walked in, they asked where the hell I was, and I just felt like such a schmuck. It was the airport spiel all over again.

They told me that this other fellowship I had also planning on applying for, I'm not actually eligible for it. And I feel bad for just always making these big mistakes and not being on task.

I mentioned Cory to my advisor who told me that she does NOT approve. It actually made me feel better about it because I know that he's not the guy for me (despite the amazing chemistry), but it still was a big thing to start the process of letting that go.

Then, I came home and had to immediately walk back over to the dealership (because they don't give rides this late). As I'm walking, I call Dad. He tells me that Mom had a bad day and was walking with one shoulder much higher than the other. He took her to the facility nurse to be examined and was told that she's fine. He also mentioned that it seems like the sleeping pill isn't working. So later, he got a message that she won't get the sleeping pill anymore.

Now here's where this makes me mad: Dad and I had agreed that the pill isn't working, but I talked with him several times about not just cold turkey taking her off of it so the sleep doesn't get worse and about him not talking about this with the nurse facility but instead actually talking with the doctor. But, apparently its being done cold turkey. Dad said: "I'm just the messenger." I wanted to yell back that he isn't just being told what will be done; he's in charge. Mom never sees a doctor, and this issue is important. Plus, Dad blames every issue Mom has had since she started the sleeping pill, on the sleeping pill. He said that it was wrong of him to try a sleeping pill at all. I WANTED to scream back that maybe if she actually got on a sleeping pill that was controlled release like I suggested that it might have helped (since her problem isn't falling asleep, its staying asleep). But instead, I just calmly explained that since she's been getting steadily worse, we can't really blame EVERY symptom on the pill.

So, I made myself some comfort food with LOTS of cheese and white wine and went into a food coma and fell deeply asleep on the couch. I hope tomorrow is better. Oh, and its Dad's birthday, I see on my calendar. Lovely.

At this stage with Mom, it is just WAAAY too hard. She isn't properly under the care of a doctor, but REALLY needs to be. The facility doctor's nurse's assistant will just okay for the doctor whatever, but they've totally ixnayed the possibility of trying an anti-anxiety for her sleep apparently. I should say that I called the doctor's office when I got home. Even though Dad asked me not to because it was already 8pm there. But I don't care. I care that my Mom is being set up for a horrible night. The nurse's aid told met that they don't taper off sleeping pills and that he recommends this anti-depressant trazodone, but Dad isn't okaying that, so she'll just go with nothing. I hate that I wasn't given options for Mom - it was either she takes this one thing or nothing.

Clearly, I'm way too stressed out. But, what can I do to lower the stress level when things are still going on with Mom, everything's a fight with Dad, sis and her husband are still unemployed, and I'm way behind with my work.