JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I Pick Partners Who Don't Treat Me Right

Last night, I hung out (separately) with my old and dear friend Paul and his family and then with my friend Merissa. Apparently, Merissa told me that she and Paul had a conversation recently about me. They decided that the people I date don't treat me right. Paul said that he thinks that *A* never treated me right (and he was there from when we first started dating when I was 15!).

There was something very epiphany-ish about hearing it though so broadly from people who know me so well. I do fall for people who treat me poorly. There is one exception that I can think of off hand, this rabbinic student that I dated in Israel who treated me VERY well. But I broke it off with him because I didn't have the same kind of feelings for him that he had for me. I think its a sign.

It is interesting also because it is a way in which I am like my mom. She taught me to love those who hurt me and to ignore those who don't. I tend not to see myself as like my mom -- I think of my sister as taking after Mom, and I have moved past these issues of my parents. But apparently, I'm like Mom too. And there are a lot of ways I want to be like my mother; this isn't one of them.

Imago theory, which I've discussed previously, would say that I need to work on this issue myself before partnering OR find a partner who tends to treat the one they love not well BUT is interested in working past that. I'm going to start with working on me. I think that this is going to mean starting with friendships and make sure that I make friendships with people who are good to me and then appreciate those friendships. It means not being co-dependent with anyone. And it means learning better to ask for what I want and surround myself with people who give me what I need.

All of this also means that Z is DEFINITELY not the right guy for me. I see that more clearly now....hopefully, I can actually let him go in my heart now.

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