JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

A Panic Attack and the Day of Atonement

I had a panic attack yesterday because of what happened with my dad the day before and *A* moving out and having to go to a department party where the conversation would be: "how's your mom? how's your thesis?" Like I need that. I did the stresseraser and made myself go though. It was a hellish day though - I almost hit someone, started going the wrong way down a one way street, walked the wrong direction to the party WITH someone noticing. But, I did it. I don't want the fear of these things to become bigger than the actual things. Make sense?

*A* moved his stuff out, and I feel like its a break-up; its wierd. I'm going to bring by some things he left and some Thai or Chinese take-out for dinner. Then, I'm going to services at Hillel, where I can continue last night's conversation "how's your mom? how's your thesis?" PLUS I am going alone, so there's always the issue of having someone to sit next to. And an ex of mine is going to be there with his new girlfriend, which will be even more awkward. *A* is going to the bar instead.

I hate having things bad with my dad on Yom Kippur. I feel like connecting with people is going to be TONS harder than I expected here. (I got spoiled by my friend Kathy in Kansas City!) But, I'm going to try to stay focused on my goals and take it babystep at a time.


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