...But Still Scarred: Feeling Lost and Jittery

I woke up this morning around 6:30am or something with a PTSD response after hearing a loud truck drive by. I jerked awake and couldn't fall back asleep. I think its related to the anniversary yesterday. So, now I'm tired and my stomach is majorly upset (which it has been for weeks).

My therapist normalized my feeling lost and out of it - with things with my family, Kathy, etc., so many things are not what they seem and can't be fully trusted. I'm questioning everything now. Do I really want to be in grad school? Do I want a career in academia? Do I want to go back to Kansas City and focus on Mom? Do I want to take time to ground myself or jump back into my work? I don't even trust myself to know what I want. I even drove to therapy today without my wallet, which has not only my ID but also my insurance (since the new card got forwarded to KC, I just stuck it in my wallet).

I feel like I'm trying to just take things as they come. My therapist pointed out that I'm in a PTSD response mode. I don't have foundational things to lean on and am on survival mode. She's pushing me to not force myself to do things (like work, school) and instead to make choices about what I want. The hard thing is that I there's so much to do; I'm so behind since I took last month off. I know that I just need to get this stupid thesis done. I know that I need to find ways to be able to bring myself back to being in the moment, back to my quest, back to taking care of myself. Its just hard to find the balance of getting work done, personal healing, connecting to other people and (re)building a life for myself here, and wanting to be there for my family.

I desperately don't want to work at all today. I don't even know what I want to do. Tonight, for example, I could go to: 1) a rally against troop surge in Iraq, 2) a program for women at shul about Kabbalah, 3) a support group at the Alzheimer's Association. I feel like I should stay home and work, but I more want to just stay home and veg. These aren't big decisions, but my indecisiveness reflects my mental space.

Update on Mom: Dad says she has a bladder infection. The ALF noticed the problem and took a test. They're ordering antibiotics. But, it makes me worry that they're not helping her with bathroom issues as they should. Dad says the nurse is concerned that the staff aren't pushing enough fluids.