Getting Back to My Quest

I've had this realization that I need to separate from my father. My whole life he has been abusive - calling me names, yelling, manipulating, lying, controlling, and crossing boundaries inappropriately. He has never been emotionally supportive of me, although he's been richly financially supportive as well as friendly to me in order to get me under his control. He'll go through periods of being nice, but inevitably the abuse will return.

The only way forward is to become completely independent of him. I can't learn to rid myself of the effects of the abuse if I'm in a situation to encounter again, especially in this repeated and consistent manner. I cannot remain dependent upon him for anything - not financial advice, not details about my mom. I talked with Hospice, and they said that they'll give updates to either my sister or I as well as Dad. And I'm going to have to let go of having input on what happens to Mom. The decisions are in Dad's hands. This is what Mom wanted, so I'm not going to keep going through all of this turmoil trying to fight with him over what I think is best.

I have been falling into a bit of depression, and I think that part of it is this anger that I have towards both my parents - my father for being abusive and my mother for allowing him to be this way and never standing up for me. I'm also angry with myself for not standing up for myself sooner and for not valuing my own safety. I have to express that anger and get it out of my system, or else it will turn in on me into depression.

I think that the next step in my quest is going to be to say goodbye to my mom, to come to terms with my anger, to find my independence from my father, and to work on creating a positive and healthy life for myself with people who will not abuse me. Instead of being with my family who NEVER valued my needs, I need to surround myself with people who recognize my needs and will support them getting met.

...But Still Scarred: Feeling Lost and Jittery

I woke up this morning around 6:30am or something with a PTSD response after hearing a loud truck drive by. I jerked awake and couldn't fall back asleep. I think its related to the anniversary yesterday. So, now I'm tired and my stomach is majorly upset (which it has been for weeks).

My therapist normalized my feeling lost and out of it - with things with my family, Kathy, etc., so many things are not what they seem and can't be fully trusted. I'm questioning everything now. Do I really want to be in grad school? Do I want a career in academia? Do I want to go back to Kansas City and focus on Mom? Do I want to take time to ground myself or jump back into my work? I don't even trust myself to know what I want. I even drove to therapy today without my wallet, which has not only my ID but also my insurance (since the new card got forwarded to KC, I just stuck it in my wallet).

I feel like I'm trying to just take things as they come. My therapist pointed out that I'm in a PTSD response mode. I don't have foundational things to lean on and am on survival mode. She's pushing me to not force myself to do things (like work, school) and instead to make choices about what I want. The hard thing is that I there's so much to do; I'm so behind since I took last month off. I know that I just need to get this stupid thesis done. I know that I need to find ways to be able to bring myself back to being in the moment, back to my quest, back to taking care of myself. Its just hard to find the balance of getting work done, personal healing, connecting to other people and (re)building a life for myself here, and wanting to be there for my family.

I desperately don't want to work at all today. I don't even know what I want to do. Tonight, for example, I could go to: 1) a rally against troop surge in Iraq, 2) a program for women at shul about Kabbalah, 3) a support group at the Alzheimer's Association. I feel like I should stay home and work, but I more want to just stay home and veg. These aren't big decisions, but my indecisiveness reflects my mental space.

Update on Mom: Dad says she has a bladder infection. The ALF noticed the problem and took a test. They're ordering antibiotics. But, it makes me worry that they're not helping her with bathroom issues as they should. Dad says the nurse is concerned that the staff aren't pushing enough fluids.

What is the Quest?

I realize that I have not previously spelled out what my quest is, though I get at it a bit in the description of the blog on the left and in the early post "Hard Times". But, I can't succeed in my quest without clearly knowing its goal. So, here it is:

My Jewbu quest is about balance and happiness. The Jewish part of me is deeply rooted in tradition and history, in finding meaning and worth in honoring those before me and making the world a better place for those who will come after me. The Jewish part of me is neurotic and anxious. The Buddhist part of me wants to find happiness in the present moment (not the past or the future), to connect with life here and now. I want to balance these parts of myself.

I also need to balance the Israeli and the American parts, the connected to my family and the focused on my own well being parts, the overachiever with the laid back parts...all of these parts of myself which must live harmoniously together.

I very much think that part of finding happiness is going to be finding a partner, a real partner who will support me and for whom I won't have to give up parts of myself but will be able to grow with. I also need a community - a lot of different relationships and connections and friendships that is Jewish, queer, academic, meditation oriented, culture oriented, and about things that are real and important - nto just connections which are trival and about a bar or escaping from life.

Part of my quest is overcoming many negative and traumatic experiences and preparing for those to come (like the loss of Grandma and Mom). I don't want to get lost in the negative anymore, but I know that I can't deny it; I have to confront it, to face it with honesty, to look at all of the negative things in the world and not lose my grounding.

Thank you to all of my blog readers, supporters, and friends who help me on this quest.

Happiness: I Almost Forgot

Today, my neighbor who watches my dog said to me: You know, maybe it is actually really good that *A* has found a good guy friend here.

It made me think, maybe I am making too much of everything with him. At the same time, I feel like I deserve better then the way he's treating me.

But, that's not the point. The point is that I had a very nice day - book club, symphony (by myself), workout, writing group (that I just started). I realized that there is all of this life out there for me to live - all of these activities to do, places to go, people that I haven't met yet. I just have to keep pushing myself to go out and find them.

I had almost forgotten my quest - happiness. Last night, I listened to some DVD about Buddhist notions of consciousness, and I realized that I can choose between my attachment to *A* and experiencing happiness every day. Many of you readers have told me this, and to some degree I've understood, but now I really get it - I have to let go of my attachment to *A* - the pain, the joy, the history.