JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

RENT!: There's Only This

I went with Jerry last night to see the muscial "Rent", which I had purchased tickets to months ago. The show always invigorates me and gives me a renewed sense of purpose. I was a little disappointed though that Jerry didn't get into the show at all. He said that he had never seen a muscial before, hinting that its not a guy thing to do. Somehow I made some comment about the musical "Fiddler on the Roof", and Jerry said something like "what, does that deal with Jewish people?" (completely seriously he asked this). I don't know what I'm blabbling about - other than trying to explain that I felt really disconnected from him last night. He took me back to his place and kept going on and on about wanting to make me chai tea. I kept saying that I can't drink milk and don't want caffeine before bed, and it was like it just didn't click for him. I had also reminded him that I need to be asleep at 11:30pm, but that didn't seem to click for him either.

His roommate came over and hung out with us. I really don't like that guy. He's this uber snotty, masogynistic science geek. He and Jerry talk about things which make me feel uncomfortable. I had to really push Jerry to take me home at 11:50pm, and then all of a sudden he kisses me - almost as if to show off to his roommate.

When he drove me home, he said that he'd take a rain check on coming in (which I had offered right after the musical) until I kissed him goodnight and he said "well maybe I should reconsider," almost as if kissing each other is only about being sexual and not about just connecting on a physical level.

I don't know.

I went this morning to a late stage Alzheimer's support group, and it just reaffirmed for me that I want to go be with my Mom. I'm going to meet with someone on my research team in a couple of hours to talk about dissertation options. I have no interest in their research, and I know that they'll treat me bad, but I guess that I just want to go be with Mom, whatever I have to do to make that work. And, if I end things with Jerry because of it fine. And if I have to leave my home, fine.

Clearly, I think that you, the intelligent reader, can sense that I don't feel fine about all of this. Things feel off today.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Jerusalem Joe said...

A Musical?
That a pretty tough test for any guy.
I'm sure I would have flunked.

Thursday, February 22, 2007 3:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I highly recommend you pick up the book, The Secret. It has been life changing for me and it might help you focus on the positives in your life and bringing more joy into your world.

Thursday, February 22, 2007 6:32:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

RENT! isn't just any musical - its a rock muscial, and there are a lot of guys who like it, seriously. But, I can sense that from both of your comments that I'm being overly critical. I sensed this a bit even before your comments.

I'll have to look into htis book.

Thursday, February 22, 2007 8:44:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

The kiss in front of the friend thing not only rang a bell for me, but made me laugh! I can't remember ever being with a man who didn't, at some time, feel the pressure to suddenly and inappropriately appear sexual in front of their male friends, especially those whose opinions they value. Although it appears to be about sex, it's not, it's about personal competition. Depending on the situation, it has been anywhere from degrading, to me, to hilarious. And, another thing, this kind of behavior isn't limited to men. It isn't as common but, believe me, I've seen my share of women doing this, too!

Thursday, February 22, 2007 11:45:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Oh Gail, I so needed to hear that women do this too. But I think you're right that its about a competition thing -especially after kinda making me sit there talking to his friend as if to show me off. I don't think that Jerry does this consciously. Stupid gender.

Friday, February 23, 2007 9:28:00 AM  

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