JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Nice Valentine's Day, Travel Plans Lead to Stress

I had a really nice Valentine's Day last night with Jerry. I stressed myself out a bit trying to get everything ready, but I was able to let that go and just enjoy the night. I also got to speak with my Mom, which was great, even though I still don't think she really remembers me. I also got a card from her today that my sister helped her make. There was also a note from my 5 year old niece that said "I love you."

I didn't sleep well last night, which was a shame. We put something on the tv, and I fell asleep snuggling with Jerry, but after I got into bed, it was like some switch flipped, and I was wide awake. I still can't figure out how he feels about me. He seems to be openning up, and I feel that we're connecting, but its hard for me sometimes that he doesn't verbalize what he's feeling. He even mentioned that lack of communication was why he broke up with his last serious girlfriend. But, I still wonder if he's trying to take things slow. Its in some ways keeping me grounded, I guess.

I'm supposed to be going to San Diego either tomorrow or Saturday for a friend's birthday party. I can't decide if I should take a train or drive and when I need to go and I can't find help with my dog and my friend is pressuring me to get there earlier than later and *A* is giving me a hard time about getting here Friday night because he wants to hang out at the bar. My sister gave me a bit of a hard time about visiting my grandmother's sister on the way, which I want to do, but kinda fear that it'll be too emotional for me. All of sudden tonight too, I just started feeling this sense of panic - that life or death PTSD thing like this is a big decision even though what's the big deal...I know. Traveling triggers me. Especially when alone. I feel like I've been floating and then all of a sudden there are these currents, and I feel myself go under a bit.

All in all, I'm doing well, and things with Jerry are good, and school is good, and here I get a few days off so why should I feel stress, right? I am going try to see the stress as an opportunity to practice not letting myself get lost in the PTSD anxiety feelings and to self regulate. I just wish someone was freaking going with me though. Jerry's going to San Francisco, and I wish that I was going with him or something. Or, I wish I could just stay home and be left alone. I do realize that this is all about a pattern though, and that I can practice letting it go.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

When I read what you said about Jerry blaming the failure of his last relationship on lack of communication, on top of having just read that he doesn't verbalize what he's feeling...well, suddenly I was reminded that we all have "ish-yews". Whatever Jerry has told you, could be that his last girlfriend wasn't that one who wasn't communicating...or, maybe she was communicating so much, from his point of view, that he felt he couldn't get a word in edgewise. At any rate...might be a good idea, Karma, to take this into consideration: Just as everything you feel and do is not necessarily a reaction to him, everything he feels and does is not necessarily a reaction to you.

Finally, I think, when push comes to shove in regards to traveling to San what works for you, especially since you're feeling some anxiety. I think, in this case, anxiety is a sign that you're spending more time pleasing others and less time pleasing yourself than works for you. It's okay, Karma, to do what you need to do to avoid anxiety. If anyone gets upset with you and needs an explanation, tell them, "You want to direct my life? Then, I'll tell you what, you live it and I'll live yours."

Friday, February 16, 2007 1:55:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

It's true; the anxiety was pushed by trying to please others and losing sense of what I need. Even me coming here, I think, is about trying to please my friend whose birthday it is. I guess I'm here mostly to help her get ready. I mean, I'm having a good time, but it was only that night writing this post that I realized that. And all of sudden I started wondering what I wanted, and feeling pretty separately from it.

And you're right Gail, I need to not react too much to him and get lost in my fears and desire to protect my heart.

Saturday, February 17, 2007 4:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey -
I can't wait to hear about your trip! Glad to hear you had a nice V-day, thank you so much for your call, unfortunately I was in the middle of the longest meeting on earth!! Anyways, I hope you left for your trip when it was convenient for both you and K.


Monday, February 19, 2007 7:01:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

I got bullied into leaving on Friday, but in return, M took me out to this really cool gay bar that she doesn't ususally go to, and I had a great time.

Monday, February 19, 2007 10:17:00 AM  

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