Nice Valentine's Day, Travel Plans Lead to Stress

I had a really nice Valentine's Day last night with Jerry. I stressed myself out a bit trying to get everything ready, but I was able to let that go and just enjoy the night. I also got to speak with my Mom, which was great, even though I still don't think she really remembers me. I also got a card from her today that my sister helped her make. There was also a note from my 5 year old niece that said "I love you."

I didn't sleep well last night, which was a shame. We put something on the tv, and I fell asleep snuggling with Jerry, but after I got into bed, it was like some switch flipped, and I was wide awake. I still can't figure out how he feels about me. He seems to be openning up, and I feel that we're connecting, but its hard for me sometimes that he doesn't verbalize what he's feeling. He even mentioned that lack of communication was why he broke up with his last serious girlfriend. But, I still wonder if he's trying to take things slow. Its in some ways keeping me grounded, I guess.

I'm supposed to be going to San Diego either tomorrow or Saturday for a friend's birthday party. I can't decide if I should take a train or drive and when I need to go and I can't find help with my dog and my friend is pressuring me to get there earlier than later and *A* is giving me a hard time about getting here Friday night because he wants to hang out at the bar. My sister gave me a bit of a hard time about visiting my grandmother's sister on the way, which I want to do, but kinda fear that it'll be too emotional for me. All of sudden tonight too, I just started feeling this sense of panic - that life or death PTSD thing like this is a big decision even though what's the big deal...I know. Traveling triggers me. Especially when alone. I feel like I've been floating and then all of a sudden there are these currents, and I feel myself go under a bit.

All in all, I'm doing well, and things with Jerry are good, and school is good, and here I get a few days off so why should I feel stress, right? I am going try to see the stress as an opportunity to practice not letting myself get lost in the PTSD anxiety feelings and to self regulate. I just wish someone was freaking going with me though. Jerry's going to San Francisco, and I wish that I was going with him or something. Or, I wish I could just stay home and be left alone. I do realize that this is all about a pattern though, and that I can practice letting it go.