JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Travels to San Diego

The train ride to San Diego wasn't so bad, although I got a bit stir crazy at the end. My friend and I went to hang out at this gay bar, Burbon Street, which was a lot of fun, even though I was out later than I wanted. I woke up the next morning with a mild migraine, ruffling around trying not to wake up my friend, looking for Advil and then finally an Imitrex.

The Imitrex helped me sleep and feel better, but I was kinda high the next day. We went to D.Z. Atkins or something or other for brunch. Its this fabulous Jewish deli. Then, we went to Costco, and back to her place where I passed out. After a great sushi dinner, I got the place ready for the party while my friend got ready. I couldn't drink because of the Imitrex in the morning, but I did manage to have a piece of chocolate cake, my first chocolate in months.

I was having a good time, although around 1:30am when a roommate went to bed, I felt permission to try to do the same - as normally at 11:30, I'm cognative behaviorally trained to pass out and sleep for eight hours. The party was so loud though that I just couldn't fall asleep. After taking the pills I normally take to sleep, getting ready for bed, doing the stresseraser, and listening to my guided imagry CD, I realized that it wasn't going to work. I called my friend's cell, but she was drunk and obnoxious, saying "why don't you try your CD?"

I started crying at first, having no idea what to do and feeling exhausted, and then I decided to try to use the situation as an opportunity to practice calm in the midst of the difficulty. I found my friend's Tylenol PM, cleaned out the floor of her closet, found some sheets and a blanket, and just fell asleep listening to the guided imagry CD on my laptop in the closet.

I could have gotten really annoyed with her and fought, but the next morning I decided to just let it go. I had brunch with a different friend, a role model, which was wonderful. Then, my (birthday) friend and I hung out briefly in Hillcrest, going thrift store shopping, and I was on a bus for 3 hours to catch the train. It was a long and stressful night, but I was really happy to make it home.

Now, I'm exhausted and feel gross because I have my period. But, Jerry called me for brunch, which was really nice, and then we went later for a walk on the cliffs for sunset and made dinner together. I'm starting to really feel comfortable with him and feel connected with him. I think that I want to be with this guy for awhile.

At the same time, I'm thinking more and more about wanting to spend time in Kansas City. So go figure that one. I guess I'm trying to just appreciate everything.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Well, I'm smiling, Karma, really wide. I smiled from the beginning to the end of this post. I'm so pleased that you figured out how to deal with it all.

Regarding what may seem like your conflicting feelings about wanting to "be with this guy [Jerry]" for awhile and wanting to be in Kansas City with your mom: The funny thing is, the better we get at living, the more that seems possible. What seem like conflicts begin to mesh together, I think, and solutions to what may seem impossibly at odds situations begin to materialize. I have no idea how you're going to solve this one, but I have a feeling you will be solving your advantage, as well as the advantage of everyone involved.

I have a sneaking hunch that accomplishing your big professional goal of your thesis has put you into cruise control! Excellent! I'm celebrating this!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007 12:33:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Gail. It really has put me into cruise control, and now I don't feel so conflicted even about the issues I addressed - I'm just kinda floating right now and taking it one step at a time.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007 10:22:00 AM  

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