JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Now I Remember Why Dating Is Hard, Mom Forgets Me

I finally called Jerry on Friday, after he sends me some casual text around 10:15pm. I was really frustrated that night, although he claimed it was a miscommunication.

Saturday night, I made plans for us to go to this nice restaurant. I offered to take him out, but he insisted on paying. It was candlelit and right on the ocean. The romantic atmosphere helped bring us back to this relaxed, comfortable dating place. I finally told him about some of the sexual issue things that are going on between us, and he immediately changed the subject and started going on and on about something. I called him on it, and then he said something like "well if you want to talk about your orgasms, we can do that." He was kind of bitchy about it, and I felt horribly uncomfortable.

He took me back to his place, without really asking me, and put on this movie "What the bleep do you know" or something like that. I was kinda annoyed that he kept suggesting before that all of these violent movies, when I had said to him several times that I don't watch violence because I deal with it enough in my research. I had him drive me home after the movie, which was already after 11pm, and he was so awkward in the car; probably I was awkward too.

He told me to call him the morning. We met for breakfast and sex, and I was happy that Jerry clearly had heard me the night before. All of a sudden, things seemed kinda back on track with us. I'm still a little wary about the whole relationship, but I think he's a very nice guy. He's just very vanilla, very socially conservative, and that's not necessarily so me. But, he's also very solid, and I think I really need someone like him in my life. And, I know that resenting the relationship after one month is something that I do, so I'm going to try to give it some time with him. ITS SO HARD though that Jerry doesn't really talk about his feelings. I'm hoping that he'll open up more to me when he gets to know me better.

Anyway, next weekend I'm going to a friend's in San Diego for her birthday and he's going to San Francisco for a beer festival thing. I did tell him though that I'll make him dinner on Wednesday aka Valentine's Day. I'll be done with my draft of my thesis by then, so I can finally clear off the dining room table. Did you catch that? I'll be done with the draft. Yea!

Anyway, on some sad news, my mother has forgotten who I am. My name no longer means anything to her or having a daughter. Its a hard thing to take. I forgot to mention before that last Thursday, I tried to go to an Alzheimer's Association support group and couldn't find it. That is after going to the wrong place first. It felt very ironical. And sad that I couldn't find the support. But, I'm not completely in the space right now to deal with that. Maybe if I go to her, she'll remember that she loves me when she sees me.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

The title of your post reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City in which Charlotte is thrilled to be getting married primarily because she won't have to date, again. Dating is a bitch, isn't it, when you're expecting that it will finally lead to not dating anymore.

I think, although you got a little more serious than you expected with Jerry, it's to his favor AND YOURS that he thought about it, even though he had a hard time talking about it.

And, don't worry that he's not your type. I think it's great that you have someone to experiment with, to try different things with, to relax with and with whom you can figure out what you've been doing wrong and what you might want to do differently, play with patterns that you either want to establish or break. All relationships have a purpose, but the purpose isn't always a walk down the aisle. I know you know this. You just have to remember it when you're enjoying someone's company. Learn how to do this with Jerry. It sounds like he might be exactly the right person at exactly the right time for you. You certainly don't want to be fumbling around anymore than is necessary when you do meet your type!

Regarding your mother...I have no idea what the heartbreak of being forgotten by someone with whom you are bonded, as you are with your mother, is like. I'm thinking, though, that, even if she doesn't remember you when you're standing in front of her, she will pick up on the extraordinary bond the two of you share, which is non-verbal and not dependent on memory, and she'll feel safe and loved in your presence...and she'll love you back for it. That may not ease the pain you feel, but it may help balance it for you.

Anyway, in both cases, Jerry and your mom, don't assume anything until it happens. Be watchful, not fearful.

Congratulations, by the way, on the draft for your thesis! I'm relieved for you! It's nice to have read you long enough to see you accomplish this goal! I hope you're excited...I'm excited for you!

Monday, February 12, 2007 12:29:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Yes, the practice is going to be to watch with a sense of detachment, so that I can see things as they really are. I do think that if I see Mom, she'll feel the love between us, but I know that if I wait too long to see her next, even that could disappear aka get eaten away by the Alzheimer's plague.

Monday, February 12, 2007 8:43:00 AM  
Blogger Roy said...

Hi, I have been reading your posts. I am particularlyinterested in your relationship with Jerry. As Gail Rae stated I think it is good that you have found someone to experiment with. However, I feel that he has not put much thought into the relationship. If he does not come around, I feel like there are a lot more choices out there.

Good Luck

Saturday, February 24, 2007 7:34:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Aw, well thank you for saying so Roy, and thanks for reading my blog and letting me know that you're out there.

Saturday, February 24, 2007 10:32:00 AM  

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