JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Tried to Contact Kathy

I sent Kathy a card, and then called left her a message - just telling her that I miss her. Anyway, here's her response:

I got your card, and your voicemail.  Listen, I don't want you to feel
bad and I am sorry to know that my actions have hurt your feelings.
However, I have some pretty bad memories of the end of our friendship.
The nutshell of it is that I don't want to be friends right now, and I
can imagine we could go back and forth on this issue all day - but I
ended up feeling like you were very demanding and really hard on me about
a few things. It felt ultimately exhausting and I felt backed into a

I know this email is not what you wanted to read. I'm asking you to
stop contacting me, and try to respect that our friendship became
something much more stressful than I anticipated, and that I simply don't want
to try to resolve things, even though there were many good things about
knowing you, and I know that you are a special person that is working
to make this world a better place.
- - - -
I wrote her back telling her that I'm not even sure what she means about the end of our friendship, but that I'll not contact her again. I'm pretty disappointed.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Wow, Karma. Shades of deja vu. This reminds me of losing most of my friends when it became apparent that my demands on friendship were changing because of my commitment to my mother, but my friends' demands of me were incapable of change. I can see myself as you and I can see myself as Kathy. What a lesson for me!
Conflicting demands: I guess that's what spells t-h-e e-n-d o-f f-r-i-e-n-d-s-h-i-p.
I KNOW how disappointed you are. I'm STILL disappointed over those friendships I lost (although doubly grateful for those I've retained). I don't know if it will help any, but keep in mind that even as Kathy found your demands beyond her capacity, you found hers (that the friendship not change to incorporate changes in your life) beyond your capacity. I have to say, though, in confronting the problem, in trying, and in the risk you took in soliciting a response from her, despite it's unpleasantness, you've shown true courage. Celebrate this, even as you are, sadly, putting a friendship "to rest". Know that this act, alone, shows that you are capable of truly nurturing friendship, even when it means recognizing the end of friendship.

Monday, March 05, 2007 10:46:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

The thing is though - that Kathy didn't make demands of me - she just avoided me and skirted around any issues that were arising....mostly because she's going through something of her own and just can't deal with people at all (her words). Anyway, the only time that I demanded anything was honesty - I don't have patience for being lied to.

I opened myself up to her in ways that I haven't with other people, and for her to just disappear, especially during one of my most difficult moments, to me that is not only heartbreaking, but it makes it difficult for me to try to really open again to someone.

I spent numerous therapy sessions trying to plan out how to not feed into what was going on with her and just be able to give her what she needs. I tried to put away anything that I needed because it was clear that she wasn't in a place to give. Bascially, I did everything that I could possibly do to save this friendship and it still ended.

Augh, but thanks Gail for saying that I showed courage. I do though, now, as you say, oy, have to recognize that this is the END of our friendship. I think its wierd to end a friendship (other than one with someone you were dating or something) completely....I have been at places in friendships where I've needed breaks, but I never so abruptly ended a close friendship.

But, you are right that as things with my mom change, my friendships do as well. Good things are happening in my life, and I know that I just need to lay this to rest. I probably need to let myself open up to all of my angry and frustrated and negative feelings about Kathy, but even as it would help this wound close, I don't want that negativity.

Monday, March 05, 2007 11:08:00 AM  
Anonymous robert said...

It hurts and I support ur decision...why should u contact someone who doesn't want to talk to u...I can understand u r feeling miserable but you can't control someone's I am pretty sure that u have taken the right decision and time will heal up ur wishes :)

Tuesday, March 06, 2007 2:09:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Robert.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007 4:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You and I both know that sometimes friendships need time to breathe. Perhaps in time, she'll come around. I think it's important to acknowledge/vent your hurt, but at some point (obviously) you know that you have many other things/friendships/life to focus on. I'm really sorry about how stressful this has been for you. Sometimes others take another path and it's a mystery to us why it has to go in such an opposite direction.

love, S.

Thursday, March 08, 2007 9:07:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Sanchi. Augh - yes, it probably is an issue of focus too. I just need to keep my focus on other things :) better things.

Thursday, March 08, 2007 11:42:00 AM  

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