JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Interactions, Conversations, Pain, and Healing

I talked in therapy about how I feel down deep that I'm unlovable - because of how my father verbally abused me, my sister and peers made fun of me, my family ignored me - and how I play that out in relationships, finding ways to reaffirm this fear by jumping in too fast (prove theory wrong) or pushing away (protect myself). I'm trying to just notice how this comes with Jerry, and then try and find some middle ground of continuing but not getting too emotionally close too fast. Anyway, in therapy I also spoke about how losing Mom and Grandma, two of the people who I felt really did unconditionally love me, intensifies this. I gave an example of how upon finishing the draft of my thesis, I wanted to call both of them and brag a bit. But, I couldn't.

Still, today I tried successfully to call Mom. (Often, I get transfered upstairs but no one answers.) She said that she was relieved to hear my voice and asked what I'm up to. I told her that I'm just finishing my master's degree, and she said, "Master's degree - that's great. We'll have to celebrate." It meant so much to hear her say that. I told her that we'd also have to celebrate her birthday which is coming up. She asked if I'm coming to town. I was sad to tell her no. I told her that she'll be turning 62, and she was appauled and a little sad that she was "so old."

I really miss her. I wish that I was going to Kansas City for her birthday. Maybe I still will drop everything and go.

I went to Costco, intending to buy one of those roast chickens, but they were temporaily out and instead of waiting like 5 minutes, I bought this cheese pasta with pesto alfredo sauce. I'm completely lactose intolerant, but I just wanted the comfort food. I can't believe that I did that. I had some already for dinner, and I only got through less than 1/3 of the package. Its going to make me so sick. But, all I could think about is finding some comfort. I also bought purple-ish fuscia-ish roses (Sanchi would love them) and a decent (relative to what I normally get) bottle of wine and a new soft cozy top.

Did I mention that I miss my Mom?

Anyway, last Friday *A* asked me to have breakfast with him on Saturday. I asked if Jerry could come along, and anyway, here's the conversation (from MSN messenger):

A: that would be akward, woudn't it?

K: why?

A: I don't think the guy you are seeing really wants to have breakfast with your ex.

plus I'm not really a morning person, so you know I'm not mr. friendly.

in the morning

K: well i thought we were relating to each other not as ex-s, but as best friends

A: yes, but does he buy that?

K: why wouldn't he?

do you not buy it?

A: you wouldn't be suspicious of a situation like that if you were jerry?

K: suspicious of what?

what should jerry fear?

A: I don't have time for this

K: you're the one whose being wierd

A: no, I'm not. I'm trying to tell you that I would guess he could possibly feel akward about meeting an ex-boyfriend at breakfast regardless of what you tell him about our current status.

I'm also saying that I really am not up for meeting somebody new in the morning. I'm more than willing to meet this guy. just not over breakfast

K: okay

What the hell is up with that?

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Blogger I Survive! said...

I can relate to what you mean by feeling "unlovable". But I'm sure you also know that you are lovable... You only have to remind yourself of your mom, your grandma, and yourself. Hard I know, but possible. Mindfulness meditation helps me.

I too find it difficult to find middle ground when it comes to relationships. It is good to see that you are becoming aware of it though. Needless to say, that is the first step to change.

Hang on in there!

Monday, February 26, 2007 9:33:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks! Abuse really hits deep.

I have done a little bit of mindfulness meditation. That's vipasana, right? But I definitely want to learn more. I need to set more time aside for practice.

Monday, February 26, 2007 9:43:00 PM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

toda, for your comment. We are not alone, indeed.

I've been meditating (an approx. hour a week) for about 3 years now. But vipasana (mindfulness) has been on for only the last year. I just added a new post on mindfulness, you might want to check out the links there. One of the books I'd most definitely recommend is "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach. Chapter 7 spoke to me 100% and I believe it will to you as well.

Take care now.

Monday, February 26, 2007 11:20:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks for the recommendations. I just got a coupon from Barnes and noble for 25% off a book - maybe I'll make that my purchase!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007 9:41:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Here, I think, is what is going on with *A*; I think he is telling you that everything he is ascribing to Jerry is actually how he feels. I don't think he is fully aware that he's doing this. In a situation like this, where he's unwilling to own his feelings, it's probably best not to argue, and best not to turn it back on him. He obviously isn't in a position where he's going to take kindly to being questioned. If conversations like this pop up again, I'd suggest that the best way to handle it is to quickly say, "Okay, thank you for pointing out [such and such]." Then, drop the conversation and table whatever suggestion elicited his reaction, for the time being.
From conversation to conversation, though, I would also suggest that you not be timid in voicing your suggestions and desires, over and over from conversation to conversation, if necessary, in the hope that with each mention, he'll begin, however fleetingly, to become aware of his own feelings and discomfort and, maybe, in the privacy of his mind and heart, work himself through these to the place where he can finally speak forthrightly to you AND allow some room for your desires. Don't expect quick miracles, though.
I'm delighted for you, and your mom that she reacted with such "hereness" to your news of earning your MA! The mother part of herself, the part of her that continues to recognize you as her beloved daughter, is still able to stand against her dementia.
I also want to mention that I salute your clarity and courage in analyzing (I think accurately) how your love history has contributed to your ability to love and be loved, Karma. This is a reminder to all that we can't successfully change that with which we remain unfamiliar. I raise a glass of my favorite beverage (non-alcoholic; since menopause I've found drinking alcoholic beverages extremely uncomfortable, both physically and psychologically) to you!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007 11:38:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Gail. Cheers. I called Mom again today, and again she immediately remembered me.

And I think you're right about *A*.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007 11:52:00 AM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

Everything Gail said re A. And more.

BTW, not that I'm trying to make this all about me, but if it's your Mom's Bday when I'm supposed to be visiting, please let me know and I'll come KC over those dates instead! Whatever you want.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007 3:33:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Don't be silly PP. Besides, her birthday is WAY before you get here.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007 8:50:00 AM  
Blogger Shari said...

I can't imagine the abuse you had while growing up-by your own family?

I've had the brainwashing verbal abuse by an ex-husband claiming that all the things he does is "normal" and I am wrong to think that it is wrong (going out with the "boys" every Friday and Saturday night till morning and being drunk and spending money at the bar and yes, women, too). I get kind of clingy at times or jumping in too fast and do the "push" (protecting myself). I have different issues, though. It was more about my hearing loss and vision than anything else.

Hang in there.

Great to hear that your mom remembered you. That's got to be hard for you.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007 6:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm agree with Gail about A.
Obviously he wants you for himself, without having to commit to you, an act which is probably too painful for him.
As a guy i must admit i never understood this "going out with my ex-lover thing".
If it's over then it's over and you don't remain friends, there's just too much tension and memories, and if it's not over, then what game are you playing?
Apparently I'm not the only one who thinks this way because A also pointed it out, albeit without realizing his own part in maintaining this situation.
just my two cents.

Thursday, March 01, 2007 6:36:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Shari. I think that when one feels that something about them is wrong, then it is natural to become clingy - even though that tends to be bad for relationships. I'm sorry about what your husband did, and hope that you know now that he is a jerk that his behavior is more about that then anything about you.

Thursday, March 01, 2007 10:04:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Wow, so many comments about this post. Joe, *A* and I do remain friends - he's my best friend and has been for the last 15+ years. *A* is way more than my ex-lover; we haven't had sex with each other for 10 years, but we've continued our friendship and generally don't identify each other any more as the "ex" - a past role, but as a "friend" - the current role.

Thursday, March 01, 2007 10:16:00 AM  

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