JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Panicky About Upcoming Travel

I'm presenting at this conference the end of the month, which I've known about for awhile and been asking peers if they're looking for roommates, but just kinda been in denial about. I got panicky about the conference last year too. Traveling by myself and especially staying at a hotel by myself can trigger PTSD symptoms for me, especially if I'm not familiar with where I'm going and/or there isn't anyone looking out for me during the travels.

I asked Jerry if he wants to go with me, but he's got a class that he can't miss, so that's a no go.

A peer that I barely know set me up with someone to possibily room with, but the idea of that freaks me out maybe even more than just staying by myself. But getting a hotel room for three nights by myself seems ridiculously expensive. I don't even know what I'm going to do there by myself - I know a couple people who might be going, but I certainly don't have anyone to hang out with. I need to tap into that independent, explorer part of myself.

I got so nervous about it today, looking at hotel rooms, that I decided to just take some time off from everything and did some gardening. That was like two hours ago. I want to try to take the pressure off and think about how to make the trip fun, but thinking about it just makes me kinda shaky. Augh! Stupid PTSD.

Okay, here's what might be fun to do in Oakland/San Franciso:
1. Friday night I can go to services at the Jewbu schul.
2. I really like the Haight area - although I don't know if it'll really be fun alone.
3. I can probably find some other Jewbu/meditation things to check out.
4. Maybe I could get my friend Merissa to come up with me?

Part of the reason why this is such a big deal also is that I'll probably drive, which means driving right by my cousins who aren't speaking to me. Normally on such a drive, I would stop by and see them and be encouraged to spend a night. But, now I'll have to just drive right by, and the thought of this makes me very sad.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

"I need to tap into that independent, explorer part of myself."
Sounds like you might have the key to this particular problem, which is a step in the right direction. Your delineation of "what might be fun" is another step in the right direction, I think. At any rate, you've got some time to rattle that key in several locks, so relax, allow yourself time to stress and time to de-stress, and I think you'll be okay. You never know what could happen between now and the end of the month, Karma!

Friday, March 02, 2007 12:36:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

I think I'm going to go buy a travel guide. I have all of these websites up about it. I know that you're right Gail, its just SO hard. I wish that I didn't get so anxious about it. I also wish that I just had someone to travel with. I do appreciate your support though :)

Friday, March 02, 2007 2:28:00 PM  

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