Creepy, Angry Men

So there's been a guy that I've been no-strings-attached having pretty hot and steamy sex with for the last several months. We don't go out or do much else other than have sex.

Tonight he contacted me, saying that he had a really rough Christmas. So I invited him over. He told me the whole story, getting angry and raising his voice and mocking how his daughter called him abusive. I felt like I was listening to my dad, and it really creeped me out. He also said that the only thing that controls his anger sometimes is pot and that he doesn't have any friends in the world other than me, and maybe one other guy who isn't in town right now.

I wove it into the conversation that I'm starting to date someone else and probably won't want to sleep with him once I start sleeping with this other person. He just picked his stuff up and left.

I'm feeling really creeped out by his behavior and that once again I was attracted to someone who has an angry, verbal abusive tendency. How? Oy! Anyway, I refuse to believe that this is how most people are. I think that the more that I heal, the more that I will be attracted to better, less abusive people. I'm a little worried about what he's going go to do with himself. He's 40 years old, bipolar, in a depressed phase, self-medicates with pot and alcohol, and doesn't seem to have a sense of how to deal with his emotions. I fear that he might be suicidal, although he hasn't mentioned anything.

But, I have to focus on getting myself together to go to Kansas City tomorrow. Wish me a safe flight!

Getting Back to My Quest

I've had this realization that I need to separate from my father. My whole life he has been abusive - calling me names, yelling, manipulating, lying, controlling, and crossing boundaries inappropriately. He has never been emotionally supportive of me, although he's been richly financially supportive as well as friendly to me in order to get me under his control. He'll go through periods of being nice, but inevitably the abuse will return.

The only way forward is to become completely independent of him. I can't learn to rid myself of the effects of the abuse if I'm in a situation to encounter again, especially in this repeated and consistent manner. I cannot remain dependent upon him for anything - not financial advice, not details about my mom. I talked with Hospice, and they said that they'll give updates to either my sister or I as well as Dad. And I'm going to have to let go of having input on what happens to Mom. The decisions are in Dad's hands. This is what Mom wanted, so I'm not going to keep going through all of this turmoil trying to fight with him over what I think is best.

I have been falling into a bit of depression, and I think that part of it is this anger that I have towards both my parents - my father for being abusive and my mother for allowing him to be this way and never standing up for me. I'm also angry with myself for not standing up for myself sooner and for not valuing my own safety. I have to express that anger and get it out of my system, or else it will turn in on me into depression.

I think that the next step in my quest is going to be to say goodbye to my mom, to come to terms with my anger, to find my independence from my father, and to work on creating a positive and healthy life for myself with people who will not abuse me. Instead of being with my family who NEVER valued my needs, I need to surround myself with people who recognize my needs and will support them getting met.

Follow-up on Story From Earlier Tonight: Practice Happiness

So Jerry called me back to apologize or argue, I couldn't quite tell which. He told me that I'm unforgiving and said that I was making it easy to not be my friend. He kept pushing me on what I would want at this point. I don't even know what happened in the conversation, but somehow he came over and brought dinner.

It was an awkward dinner. Lots of awkward pauses. Afterwards, we put in this movie that we had talked about seeing our second date (but Jerry insisted instead that we see "Night at the Museum." Anyway, so after dinner we watched "Painted Veil." I related us to the characters. And so it was hard when the awkward scientist who seemed schmucky ended up being the nice one as opposed to the one who seemed charming. Its a sad movie, and I found myself holding back a lot of tears at the end, a bit embarrassed to cry in front of Jerry, especially since many of the tears are about our lost relationship. I mean, clearly, we're not even going to be friends.

After the movie, I asked him what he thought of it, and all he said was "it was different than what I expected." I said "for me too," and went to the bathroom to pull myself together. When I came down, he had his things together, gave me a hug, and left.

At least, the guy from my first date (Thursday) emailed me (at like 8pm - think he didn't have plans) to talk about our next date. That made me feel less lonely. I honestly think that this is the end of Jerry and me. The last shred of anything that we had. He even mentioned on the phone that its sad to have this all be over, and I agreed. But, nothing's changed. I could be his girlfriend or his friend, and he'll still treat me like crap. I have to choose my dignity, my self, over the relationship. At one point, he actually came out and said that it seems like I'm choosing standing up for myself over our relationship. I told him that this is exactly right; I'm choosing myself over the relationship. (I don't think he realized that its not supposed to be this kind of choice; the relationship should not require me to give up myself.)

This month has been about taking a leap of faith. I have faith that things can be better. I have faith that I will find love again, and when I do, the person that I love will treat me better than this, and I'll find happiness. I believe that the path to happiness will be holding to this faith, having compassion with myself for not having been able to make it work with Jerry, and practicing taking the steps to make it happen. I'll practice dating, practice thinking about what I need, practice asking for what I need, practice giving myself what I need, practice meditating, practice eating healthy and exercising, practice happiness. I'll practice happiness until one day, the happiness will come without so much effort, and I'll be surrounded by its beauty.

What I Want to Say

Here's what I want to say to Jerry...whenever he decides that he's speaking to me again:

Jerry, we've been together for 8 months, and in that time you've become my friend, my lover, my pain in the neck, my rock. I've grown to love you, to feel safe when you hold me, and to sleep better when you're next to me. I thought that we had come to an understanding in January that you would work on your abusive tendencies. I know that you don't intend to hurt me, but that you've learned to act this way from your father. I've also been working on my co-dependent and enabling tendencies and to speak up when these issues arise instead of brooding over them. I had asked you to seek some sort of therapy to help with this, but you assured me that you could handle it on your own, even though I told you that my fear was that you'd come to resent me for bringing the issues up. I feel like that's what's happened now. You don't seem to agree with me that there's a problem with the way that you're treating me or to take responsibility for changing this.

I will no longer allow myself to be treated like a child, teased, ordered around, or insulted. I would love to be able to stay with you, but I can only do this if you agree that the way that this tendency of being verbally abusive to me is not acceptable and take responsibility for changing it with the assistance of some sort of therapy. If you're not willing to do this, know that I love you, but I can't be with you.

More Verbal Abuse

Augh! I don't know if I would have realized what was going on without some of your comments. But, Jerry has kept up with these negative remarks about me, making fun of me, responding negatively whenever I try to communicate with him, ignoring me when I feel emotional at all about my Mom....

So, I sent him the below email:

I feel like we're in a weird place right now - like there's a lot of tension and fighting. I'm definitely interested in doing whatever I can to work on this. I feel like we haven't been communicating very effectively lately, and I definitely do not want to fight with you. I would be interested in hearing what I can do to communicate more effectively with you.

We've talked about this before, but I want to remind you that you sometimes have a tendency to get verbally abusive. When I confronted you on this in the past and asked you to get therapy to help you with it, you told me that you could handle it on our own. I told you that my fear was that if it was my responsibility to point it out when it happened, then you would come to resent me. I feel like that is happening now - that my choice is either to call you on it and have you resent me or not say anything and have it continue. The verbal abuse hasn't gotten that bad this time, but I would like to stop us down this road.

I want to ask you again to consider trying therapy - not necessarily long term and not about everything in your life; just about this tendency to be verbally abusive. I love you, and I want to be with you. However, I do not want to continue to be verbally abused.

Here is a list of questions that I found online about being verbally abusive. See if you think any of these fit:

Does your partner...
* ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
* ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
* withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
* criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
* humiliate you privately or in public?
* roll his or her eyes when you talk?
* tell you you are too sensitive?
* ignore your feelings?
* disrespect you?
* give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
* hurt you especially when you are down?
* seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
* ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
* seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
* compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
* harass you about imagined affairs?
* question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
* interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
* make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?
* try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
* frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?

love,

Brought Up Therapy

Augh what an emotionally draining night! Or whole day or.....well, it started last night:

Jerry and I met *A* downtown for this art night. Its hard to get Jerry and *A* to communicate with each other. Finally, Jerry's friend Bob comes and meets up with us, and then *A* leaves to go hang out at this bar he's always at. I had too much to drink and had been pushing for awhile to eat something and/or go home. Jerry and Bob want to go to this one restaurant where they're having $3 margaritas. We don't end up really eating dinner until like 9ish, which is super bad for my digestion and Jerry wanted to get this dish with a lot of cream sauce which is also bad for my digestion, but I'm so exhausted at this point; I just want to eat.

Bob and I have very little in common. He makes some comment towards the end of dinner making fun of certain people as "retarded." I decide not to challenge him on the use of the term because I don't want to make trouble with Jerry.

After we say goodnight to Bob, Jerry makes a comment that I seemed cold to Bob. I say that I didn't appreciate that "retarded" comment. Jerry asks why I would care at all about the comment. I explain that I'm especially sensitive to that sort of comment because I had a sister who was born before I was, who didn't live long, and who was severely mentally handicapped. Jerry: "you didn't even know your sister." He also commented that he likes Bob because Bob is uncensored.

I've told very few people about this sister who died, and I was really hurt the way that he snapped that comment at me. I didn't know what to say and I certainly wasn't up for hearing anything more like that, so I just shut up. I certainly felt very censored by both Bob and Jerry.

Today, things were somewhat awkward with Jerry. He almost started this fight with me over email about plans for tomorrow. My friend is having a birthday and has organized a group of women to go for a hike in the morning and then a formal party (black tie sort of thing) at her house. I had mentioned this to Jerry awhile ago and he didn't seem that into, plus his brother is in from out of town. So anyway, I just assumed that I'd go by myself and he'd hang out with his brother. But, when I said that in an email, he was all jumping down my throught until finally I called him and sorted it out.

Then, he came with me tonight to Costco. I bought a chicken which we had for dinner. I mentioned my thought about therapy and offered to make him the deal of starting to shave my legs. He laughed, which I thought was good, but then he started this whole huge conversation/argument which lasted for 2-3 hours in which he basically said at different points that he thinks that the issue is more my being sensitive than him being verbally abusive, that our relationship is taking more work than he's ever had to put into a relationship and maybe its not worth it, that he doesn't find counseling worthwhile in general (he did couple's counseling with a previous girlfriend and thought it didn't help)....Augh!

Then, he said he wanted to go home (understandably its his roommates birthday; although he didn't invite me back). I asked how we were leaving things, and he posed the question back to me. I told him that I was willing to work on confronting him when issues arise and asked that when I do that he say something along the lines of "thanks for bringing that to my attention; I care about you and will try to work on that." I kept suggesting over and over that I could use some affirmation - all he could give me is that I'm "a cool girl." I told him that I love him and have faith that we can work things out.

Honestly, at this point, I really don't know. He went on and on at the end about how scientists (like him) are just different than social scientists (like me). I tried to get physically close with him, giving him a kiss and a snuggle, but I felt all of this distance from him. I feel like at this point, I have given this my all, and I've tried everything that I could possibly try. I opened up so much tonight and made myself so vulerable, and I don't feel like he was willing to do the same in return. He did a bit - openning up about the past experience with therapy and that some other ex had mentioned not feeling respected by him BUT he won't give me anything about how he feels about me (other than he feels frustrated) and even tonight he said certain things in a demeaning way and still had the nerve to make fun of me (which I pointed out to him, per his request).

Tomorrow, he'll be hanging out with his brother. I don't know if we'll even have any alone time at all this weekend; we certainly have no plans. Things between us are crap, and I feel like he doesn't really care. I WILL NOT let myself be this man's doormat. I love him, but he clearly does not love me in return. I'm going to keep trying to make things work with him, but this I vow to myself, if he doesn't make some real effort to stop being verbally abusive with me and this continues, I will leave him and not have anything to regret.

Jerry's Verbally Abusive Tendencies

Ah what a scary realization. Jerry and I actually half broke up and then got back together last weekend over this. And then, he said he'd make a change. Last night was a bit verbally abusive again and then finally said he was sorry and would stop. But, I see a cycle here starting, and I think we may be in serious trouble.

Jerry's personality is such that he's often cracking jokes and making fun of people a bit. This isn't uncommon for a guy to do with me. When I mentioned it to *A*, he noted that he's always making fun of me. The thing is that there's a line - there's a line between joking around with someone and pointing out things that you DO find different and can't relate to. There's a line between joking and saying things that you really feel. Well, at least that was my first realization.

My next realization is that when Jerry has a bad day, he'll often take it out on me, and I've become somewhat skiddish and afraid around him. He'll make comments or jokes that are way over the line from friendly to seriously offensive. He'll tell me to not be so sensitive and get frustrated with me when I point it out. Sometimes, his voice raises and he gets this angry tone and can be consdencending. I don't think that he even realizes what he says when he gets like this, because when we discuss it later, he denies ever saying those things.

My dad would get verbally abusive with us, and I'm really sensitive to this sort of thing. I spoke about with Jerry that if we can both work past this, it could be really healthy for me, but if he continues to be verbally abusive to me, it would be VERY unhealthy for me and I'd have to leave the relationship.

I feel like he has these Jekell and Hyde parts to him though - sometimes he seems to understand and be very sweet and like he's trying and other times he seems to not have any idea what I'm saying and be angry and frustrated with me.

I really love this man, and I don't want to leave him. I'm tempted to try to get him to go to therapy. But, maybe I can't change him and I need to leave. Augh! This is so hard. I'm actually feeling somewhat shakey today because of it.

Jerry and I Had a Fight, Visit From Z's Sister

Augh, I am so frustrated. Z's sister came to stay with me for a couple of days because she's thinking about moving to town. I've been sleeping over at Jerry's house. Last night, the second night that I slept over, I was just completely exhausted. I noticed that Jerry was falling asleep himself on the couch, and I suggested that we go to bed. Jerry said no and continued to pass out.

So, I just got up and got myself ready for bed. I came back and told Jerry that I'm going to sleep and he said, "I'm right behind you." But clearly he had no intention of getting up. So, I just tried to go to sleep on my own. The room was super cold, so finally I went back and woke Jerry up and asked him for a sweatshirt. I also got him a glass of water. He told me to just get the shirt myself and fell back asleep. I'm kinda annoyed at this point, but I get the shirt, get into bed, and then hear the rattle of his computer still being on. Realize that everytime I get into bed, I have to climb up on this bunk bed thing - he's got his office underneath his bed. So, I turn the computer off - - or try to - - the noise doesn't seem to stop. I just fall asleep on my own, which isn't so easy because I've got these frustrated feelings.

I am awoken at 5am when Jerry, who at some point got into bed, was annoyed by the sound of his computer. He starts turning on lights and asking me accusatively "did you turn off my computer?" He tells me that I shouldn't have done that. Finally, I half asleep go to the bathroom. When I come back, the lights are still on and he's still trying to talk to me (and in that same tone). I say, "I'll just go sleep on the couch. Is there a blanket there?" He says no there's not and that I'm being ridiculous and doesn't let me down the stairs of the bed. Augh! At least, he comes back up to bed.

In the morning, he's fussy with me again about the computer and did I do this and telling me that I have bad morning breath. He was just being mean. I started to get dressed and said that I was going home. Jerry: "Don't leave mad." So, I sat down and tried to talk with him, but he wouldn't lose his condescending tone. So, I got my stuff together more to leave. Jerry said: "I'm going to the bathroom." He didn't say goodbye or anything; it was like he just wanted a break before talking. But, he was in there for ages and then comes out and doesn't even acknowledge me.

Augh! When I got in the car, I see that from a road trip he had wanted to take I have no gas in my car, so I go to the ridiculously expensive gas station across the street (even though I had asked him last night to stop for gas). As I think about everything, I realize how much of the interaction has tapped into growing up with a dad who was verbally abusive.

So, when I get home, I email Jerry saying that I would like to talk things out with him but that I need "respecting each other" to be a ground rule. I explain why I am so sensitive about being criticised and condescending tones. I texted him to let him know that I sent him an email message. AND I HAVE NOT HEARD BACK.

Anyway, here's the thing about Z's sister. She is so much like Z! And it was so wonderful talking with her about issues of spirituality and the meaning of life and things that I don't often get to talk about. I miss Israel so much. She said that what happened with Z is probably just a man/woman thing - guys have one night stands and maybe it means something to them that night but then they forget about it. Augh!

I'm going to go work out and try and let go of some of this anger and frustration.

Anger, Frustration, and Dad

I've been running around all day getting ready for Mom's move tomorrow. Dad finally asked his friend, as I suggested, to help out since my sister bailed on us. The really frustrating thing about this is that my sister has wanted Mom to go to this new place before even me. We decided to push the idea on Dad by offering to take care of the move, to do all of the work ourselves. And my sister consistently makes a big deal about being left out of things, saying that she wants to help out with Mom and criticizing the way that Dad and the woman that I hired did things. So, now here we are getting what we want, and she's thrown this all onto us. In fact, Dad and I didn't make a lot of plans about how to pull off the move, waiting for my sister to be ready.

Dad clearly feels overwhelmed at having been stuck with having to do all the moving by himself (with the help of his friend). Tonight, he got really angry and was practically yelling at me about how he can't handle any more details and he doesn't want to bother with taking over new things to Mom's new place. I just walked out because I didn't appreciate that tone. I mean, jeez, as if I don't have enough on my plate having to last minute keep Mom occupied somewhere out of both facilities for an unspecified amount of time probably lasting the entire morning. AND Dad had the nerve to compare it to the first move when he claimed we had time to do the move slowly. See here for what really happened.

Tomorrow, he insists that he's leaving for Mom's at 9am, which means that I have to have her out of there by 9:15, which means that I have to leave the house at 8:30am, which means that despite that I haven't been sleeping well since I heard Grandma was dying, I'll have to wake up early tomorrow.

On top of that, Mom's facility is being especially neglectful, and when I arrived, Mom didn't have a pad on (for incontinence) and her underware was dirty. There was no activity at all tonight, and when I put on a movie and 6 residents other than Mom came by to watch, no staff even acknowledged any of us. I had to go ask someone for help to bring them something to drink after residents complained of being thirsty. I made Mom tea on my own, but the microwave was disgusting, with food splattered all over it.

I'm so frustrated that my father treats me the way that he does, especially with the way that the rest of my family treats me AND especially since I finally got him to acknowledge that he loved my grandmother (despite their later disagreements which he blames my aunt for, long story). I am frustrated at not having any space that is my own here. If he treats me like this tomorrow, I should just pack my things and go to a hotel.

Then on top of it, my sister had the nerve to call me up tonight to kvetch about all that she has to do taking care of my brother-in-law when I'm running around trying to catch up her slack for tomorrow. I'm exhausted. And what I really need is some space to grieve my grandmother and the way that my aunt has treated us AND to find out what really happened, if my aunt changed things in my grandmother's estate since grandma got Alzheimer's. I'm also in desperate need to connect to real friends. With one old friend (lawyer) working for my aunt secretly on my grandmother's estate and another not only completely blowing me off but having the nerve to give me a hard time when I told her that I miss her, I really need reassurance that there are some people in the world that I can trust - who won't lie to me, who will be there for me and who will grant me the blessing to do the same, and who won't use me or abuse me.

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