JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

What I Want to Say

Here's what I want to say to Jerry...whenever he decides that he's speaking to me again:

Jerry, we've been together for 8 months, and in that time you've become my friend, my lover, my pain in the neck, my rock. I've grown to love you, to feel safe when you hold me, and to sleep better when you're next to me. I thought that we had come to an understanding in January that you would work on your abusive tendencies. I know that you don't intend to hurt me, but that you've learned to act this way from your father. I've also been working on my co-dependent and enabling tendencies and to speak up when these issues arise instead of brooding over them. I had asked you to seek some sort of therapy to help with this, but you assured me that you could handle it on your own, even though I told you that my fear was that you'd come to resent me for bringing the issues up. I feel like that's what's happened now. You don't seem to agree with me that there's a problem with the way that you're treating me or to take responsibility for changing this.

I will no longer allow myself to be treated like a child, teased, ordered around, or insulted. I would love to be able to stay with you, but I can only do this if you agree that the way that this tendency of being verbally abusive to me is not acceptable and take responsibility for changing it with the assistance of some sort of therapy. If you're not willing to do this, know that I love you, but I can't be with you.

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