JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I Think Its Time to End It

Things were good again with Jerry, sort of. Its been hard. First, we had some more email exchanges, where he basically denied that he's verbally abusive at all and claims that I'm the one who is abusive (because when he becomes abusive, I leave, and he calls that being flaky). Anyway, I finally called him to try to talk it out. More of the same until he starts acting like everything's fine and dandy. I was so emotionally drained from having been accused of being abusive, feeling turned around and confused. I said that we should talk in person and not just on the phone.

Jerry drags me to this new brew pub in town. He asked me to drive, and I was all over the road, just feeling completely shaky. I told Jerry that maybe we should go on a break, and he refused, saying that either we're together or we break up since he was just gone for 3 weeks in China.

Then, tonight we had plans to meet *A* and his visiting girlfriend to the see the "Simpsons" movie. Jerry wanted to cook up these pork ribs that he had and we've got this huge squash that I friend gave to him, so I offered to get myself a steak that we could cook up at the same time.
I call Jerry and he starts ordering me around and giving me a hard time for not being over there, even though earlier when I spoke with him, he said he'd call me. I call him on walking way faster than I can (he's over a foot taller than me) on the way to the grocery store (he insists on coming with me to buy steaks because his ribs were off). Jerry responds by insulting me and telling me that we'll be late if I don't hurry up, and it'll be my fault if we are late. Then, he starts walking very slowly behind me.

I just ignore him and go get what we need at the store. Jerry comes up to me and starts acting as if nothing's happened. Then, he argues with me about every steak that I choose, saying that it'll take too long to cook (except we're wasting time arguing and he could have just gone to get the grill going already). Then, he leaves me to pay for the steaks to get the grill ready, he says. Although when I get back to his house, he's cleaning up the kitchen and drinking a beer. I go get the squash ready, and Jerry tells me to season the steaks (I've never cooked steaks before). Then, he tells me that I'll have to cook the squash. Then, when I'm preparing food, he comes up to me in front of my roommates and tries to start kissing on me. I was so annoyed that I asked him to not do this in front of his roommates.

We don't talk at all during dinner, except I note the time as Jerry futzes with some extra stuff that he's decided to make. Finally, in the car, I say "look I'm annoyed because I feel like you were treating me like a child." Jerry tells me that he I'm acting like a child. He then tells me that since I was sulking earlier, that he's going to sulk and not talk to me. He raises his voice and uses a demeaning tone. I tell him that its not okay to use that tone with me.

Jerry is grouchy during the movie and doesn't say anything to anyone. The car ride is silent. When he pulls up at my place, I say "so this is how you want to leave it?" He says: "for now."

I think it is clear that I have to leave him. It is going to be REALLY hard; I'm REALLY going to miss him; and I'm going to be extremely lonely. BUT, I have to stand up for myself and stop letting him treat me like this.

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