JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

More Verbal Abuse

Augh! I don't know if I would have realized what was going on without some of your comments. But, Jerry has kept up with these negative remarks about me, making fun of me, responding negatively whenever I try to communicate with him, ignoring me when I feel emotional at all about my Mom....

So, I sent him the below email:

I feel like we're in a weird place right now - like there's a lot of tension and fighting. I'm definitely interested in doing whatever I can to work on this. I feel like we haven't been communicating very effectively lately, and I definitely do not want to fight with you. I would be interested in hearing what I can do to communicate more effectively with you.

We've talked about this before, but I want to remind you that you sometimes have a tendency to get verbally abusive. When I confronted you on this in the past and asked you to get therapy to help you with it, you told me that you could handle it on our own. I told you that my fear was that if it was my responsibility to point it out when it happened, then you would come to resent me. I feel like that is happening now - that my choice is either to call you on it and have you resent me or not say anything and have it continue. The verbal abuse hasn't gotten that bad this time, but I would like to stop us down this road.

I want to ask you again to consider trying therapy - not necessarily long term and not about everything in your life; just about this tendency to be verbally abusive. I love you, and I want to be with you. However, I do not want to continue to be verbally abused.

Here is a list of questions that I found online about being verbally abusive. See if you think any of these fit:

Does your partner...
* ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
* ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
* withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
* criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
* humiliate you privately or in public?
* roll his or her eyes when you talk?
* tell you you are too sensitive?
* ignore your feelings?
* disrespect you?
* give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
* hurt you especially when you are down?
* seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
* ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
* seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
* compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
* harass you about imagined affairs?
* question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
* interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
* make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?
* try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
* frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?


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Blogger Shelly said...

Karma! That is what I named my daughter. Wow, what a joy to find a second Karma inthe world. she is a famous children's author now

Not so joyful to read about you and Jerry. I began a website for learning how to put a stop to vebal abuse. You have definately identified it, but not how to stop it. You can not reason with an abuser. Part of the abusive tactics is take whatever you say and twist it so that they make you appear to somehow wrong again. Never defend yourself to an abuser or try to reason, what you can do is put a stop to it and let them know you will not tolerate that behavior. How? Go sign up for my free tutorial

And go to my blog--I blogged about your site. Shelly, Karma's Mom

Monday, August 06, 2007 8:04:00 AM  
Blogger Shari said...

Karma-I hope he will recognize himself in some of the bulleted items. It seems like a cycle that keeps circling. Good luck. I admire you for confronting him time and time again.

Monday, August 06, 2007 6:36:00 PM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

That was incredibly brave of you to stand up to yourself and send that email to Jerry. I'm very proud of you, Karma.

Whatever comes out of this, it would only make you stronger. I hope that it turns out the way you want it.

Monday, August 06, 2007 7:34:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Jerry old said that he recognizes the eye rolling and that some things he says, I take the wrong way, but that's my fault for being sensitive because he doesn't intend to put me down. Grrr... Thanks for all of this support.

Monday, August 06, 2007 9:51:00 PM  

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