Mom's Not Doing So Well, But Things Calming For Me

Here's the story with Mom: She gets upset a lot and will start crying sometimes, upset about something she's not even really sure of, like, why isn't some member of the family not there (who is either dead or lives in another city)? She is worse with the incontinence levels, not only having lots of accidents, having to wear a diaper all the time, but she has little control over her bowls and it often gets just everywhere. Dad said that he actually wiped her bottom yesterday, which I think is a very sad sign.

The good news is that she gets really happy when my dad is around, smiling at him, laughing. She's like a completely different person when he's there. Yesterday, we had dinner at my sister's house, and Mom was somewhat upset by the ruckus of the kids playing, so I suggested that Dad sit next to her, and then that she snuggle with him. She looked at him, then looked at me very seriously and said "well, it does make me feel better." That was one of the only complete sentences that she got out though.

Things here are still pretty nutty, and I long to be back at home. I'm also very tempted to come out to my father about being bisexual. But, I fear that he'll throw me out, so maybe I won't. I just thought a lot about on yom kippur how what I really need to work on is not apologizing to other people, but to start surrounding myself with people who treat me well. I want my family to see me for who I am, and I think a part of that is stopping to fear showing it.

Things are calmer though than when I got here, and I have my luggage and my day planner and a guest pass to the Jewish Community Center to work out.

It is a bit sad for me that it seems like there's not a lot that I can do for my Mom anymore. She doesn't recognize me at all. She isn't at all calmed when I'm there. She's on the sleeping pill now. I spoke with the nurse at her facility, who told me that Mom is just getting ready to die by working through all of her relationships (in her head) and she realizes that she's getting worse. She said that we can't treat that with an anti-depressant. And Mom doesn't get seroquil (the anti-psychotic) anymore because she's not angry anymore or having episodes like before. So really, she thinks there's nothing more medically that can be done for her. So, there's nothing to push my dad on.