JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Stress, Anxiety, and a Food Coma

Ah, where to begin with the stress of today. I had someone coming to clean the house who kept changing the time, and then finally showed up to explain that her cleaning partner and husband wasn't coming because his diabetes is so bad that he's having severe leg pain. All the while, I'm trying to finish this fellowship application that I need done like yesterday. At the same time, I'm talking to my sister who still hasn't heard back about this job that she had a second, third, and fourth interview for yesterday.

I had dropped my car off at the dealership this morning because there was some sort of recall. I explained that I had a meeting at 3pm, but was told that I could be picked up at 2pm no problem. At 2:30pm, I call and find out that the driver is still downtown picking people up and not even on his way. The dealership makes me sound somehow horribly selfish: "you're not the only person we have to pick up."

So, I just jumped on my bike and ran up to campus. Somehow along the way, I forgot about yesterday's change of meeting times, so while I showed up just about on time for the meeting, I hung out outside the room for almost 20 minutes, hearing some voice in the room and thinking I was early and didn't want to bother my advisor. When I walked in, they asked where the hell I was, and I just felt like such a schmuck. It was the airport spiel all over again.

They told me that this other fellowship I had also planning on applying for, I'm not actually eligible for it. And I feel bad for just always making these big mistakes and not being on task.

I mentioned Cory to my advisor who told me that she does NOT approve. It actually made me feel better about it because I know that he's not the guy for me (despite the amazing chemistry), but it still was a big thing to start the process of letting that go.

Then, I came home and had to immediately walk back over to the dealership (because they don't give rides this late). As I'm walking, I call Dad. He tells me that Mom had a bad day and was walking with one shoulder much higher than the other. He took her to the facility nurse to be examined and was told that she's fine. He also mentioned that it seems like the sleeping pill isn't working. So later, he got a message that she won't get the sleeping pill anymore.

Now here's where this makes me mad: Dad and I had agreed that the pill isn't working, but I talked with him several times about not just cold turkey taking her off of it so the sleep doesn't get worse and about him not talking about this with the nurse facility but instead actually talking with the doctor. But, apparently its being done cold turkey. Dad said: "I'm just the messenger." I wanted to yell back that he isn't just being told what will be done; he's in charge. Mom never sees a doctor, and this issue is important. Plus, Dad blames every issue Mom has had since she started the sleeping pill, on the sleeping pill. He said that it was wrong of him to try a sleeping pill at all. I WANTED to scream back that maybe if she actually got on a sleeping pill that was controlled release like I suggested that it might have helped (since her problem isn't falling asleep, its staying asleep). But instead, I just calmly explained that since she's been getting steadily worse, we can't really blame EVERY symptom on the pill.

So, I made myself some comfort food with LOTS of cheese and white wine and went into a food coma and fell deeply asleep on the couch. I hope tomorrow is better. Oh, and its Dad's birthday, I see on my calendar. Lovely.

At this stage with Mom, it is just WAAAY too hard. She isn't properly under the care of a doctor, but REALLY needs to be. The facility doctor's nurse's assistant will just okay for the doctor whatever, but they've totally ixnayed the possibility of trying an anti-anxiety for her sleep apparently. I should say that I called the doctor's office when I got home. Even though Dad asked me not to because it was already 8pm there. But I don't care. I care that my Mom is being set up for a horrible night. The nurse's aid told met that they don't taper off sleeping pills and that he recommends this anti-depressant trazodone, but Dad isn't okaying that, so she'll just go with nothing. I hate that I wasn't given options for Mom - it was either she takes this one thing or nothing.

Clearly, I'm way too stressed out. But, what can I do to lower the stress level when things are still going on with Mom, everything's a fight with Dad, sis and her husband are still unemployed, and I'm way behind with my work.

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Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

Sorry about all your stress.

...Tag! You rock! I hope this award brightens your day just a little bit.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 11:07:00 AM  

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