JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Feeling Uncertainity

A lot has been going on here in Kansas City, getting increasingly intense as I get nearer to going home. My sister set me up with this guy, a friend of the family, and I've really developed feelings for him. At first, I was really put off by him because he comes from a very wealthy family, and it really seems to define him. But, then as I got to know him better, I see that he's this really great guy - super considerate and giving. And we have a lot in common - were raised very similarly and both have anxiety issues from overly controlling parents. And, there's crazy chemistry between us. Chemistry that is soooooo non-existent with the people I've gone out with back home.

But, he's clearly not going to leave Kansas City. And he wants a very different lifestyle than I do. So, he doesn't seem interested in pursuing a relationship with me - even though we've been seeing each other like every day now and we're having some of the best sex of my life. I came very close to falling asleep last night in his arms. But, I thought that might offend and freak out my Dad if I wasn't here when he woke up.

And then there's stuff with the family - Dad yelled at me the other night, and now we're barely speaking. During our earlier family meeting with my sister, he told us that he might move Mom into this really horrible nursing home where my great aunt was (the one he wanted to put Mom into before I pushed him to go the assisted living route). It is just really large and institutional and has more of a hospital feel than a homey feel.

Things with Mom's facility are still bad, but I feel like if I say anything then it just makes Dad more likely to move Mom into that home. I'm going to go today over to the Jewish home that has an Alzheimer's unit, even though Dad doesn't like that place.

I feel like in general, I just don't know what I'm doing. I haven't gotten much work done. My relationship with my Dad is all messed up. Things aren't good with Mom's place, and I don't even like being there because its frustrating as hell. I'm getting emotionally invested with this guy who lives here who doesn't want to pursue things, and who I probably won't even hear from when I'm out of town. I'm still tempted to tell Dad that I'm bisexual. I don't know what Mom needs or how to help her.

All I know is this: tomorrow evening, I'm going home. I'm going to throw myself into my work. I'm going to try to get a lot of exercise, meditate, and do yoga. I'll focus on taking care of myself. And until then, I'll just try to keep from going mad.

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Blogger April_optimist said...

That's a lot to carry on your shoulders. I have no answers or easy advice. I'm not sure there is any ideal solution to any of this.

The good thing is that now you know you can have this kind of chemistry with someone. I hope you can find someone with whom you do who is willing to make you a priority in his life and treat you with kindness and respect.

I'm guessing there's lots going on with your dad that he can't talk about--because guys don't talk about emotions easily.

Mostly, though, I just wish you some peace of mind. You've done your best. There's just a limit sometimes to what we have the power to do.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007 2:20:00 PM  

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