JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Feeling Down

I've been feeling very lazy and a bit down lately. The pink eye is just finally healing - turns out it wasn't an infection, but just an allergic reaction. I've been napping every day, barely working because its been too difficult to read with the pink eye.

Mom has been registered with hospice, which will bring her lots more services and really help her. But, as happy as I am to have help get this for her, it is still sad. See, hospice is only ordered for people who are not expected to live longer than 6 months. So, its not a nice hurdle to pass.

She still isn't on any anti-seizure medication because the house doctor that Dad finally met with says that seizures don't cause someone to pass out, so he isn't convinced that's what she's having. I spoke with someone from the Alzheimer's Association who said that was b.s. though. Luckily, on the 18th, a week and a half away, she'll see the neurologist who saw her last month at the hospital. So, hopefully, he can come up with some sort of treatment game plan.

I can't make myself work even now that my eye has healed up enough. I just feel really lonely. My mom is dying, and I want to talk to someone about it; I want someone to come over here and comfort me and fall asleep next to me and hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. Even though everything isn't going to be okay. Mom is going to die. Dad is really struggling. We all feel overwhelmed and scared.

So, for tonight, I should focus on work and then go to this party. I don't feel like socializing. I am annoyed that Penni has been majorly blowing me off, and I feel like she thinks if I'm not going to have a fling with her that she doesn't want to bother with me. I'm a little peeved about it.

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Anonymous Peg Lee said...

9 months ago, I felt that Mom didnt have much left in her. Hospice helped us get mom in a nursing home, and began helping in Moms care. In sept. they closed her case, after 6 months. Mom also experiences seizures and has for almost 2 years. She would fall down, turn ghost white, drool from her mouth and her eyes would roll and she would pass out. I know the end fills near at times, but somehow they just keep going and going. Its very hard to deal with and i feel that we tend to put them on their death bed sooner then they are ready, because its would be easier to deal with if they were dead. Thats how i feel anyways. Anyways what im trying to say its very hard watching them go through this disease. Death seems an easier outlet.
Keep your head up!

Thursday, December 13, 2007 9:57:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Wo. We thought that the seizures starting meant this is the end. I can't imagine this going on for years.

Thursday, December 13, 2007 11:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Peg Lee said... me there is alot more to come. This disease seems to drag on way too long. Tc

Friday, December 14, 2007 5:26:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Since Mom has early onset, its supposed to go faster. A year and a half ago, a doctor told us Mom only had a year. I hope this doesn't go on for years, for all of our sakes.

Friday, December 14, 2007 5:54:00 PM  
Anonymous said...

Karma, My mom also has early-onset. I have also heard that with that type it goes quicker, My mom was diagnosed in 2002 at the age of 61 but showed symptoms at age 58. Mom has been in stage 5\6 for at least a year. People with this are very different on how the disease progresses. Moms doctor said that this could go on for as long as 7 to 10 years. It does drag on. It wipes families out phycally, emotionally and financially. Alzheimers usually isnt the the killer; but a heart attack, stroke, or pnemonia or something else causes their final demise. If you ever want to talk, you got my email, we just might be able to help each other. You prolly know something i dont.

Friday, December 14, 2007 8:30:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Peg. Am I right in thinking that you're also in Kansas City? This is the hardest thing ever!

Friday, December 14, 2007 10:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Peg Lee said...

Im in Ohio, dear. But we still could be of some help to each other.

Saturday, December 15, 2007 5:23:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Of course Peg. I appreciate knowing that you're there, and of course, you can always find me here :)

Saturday, December 15, 2007 9:17:00 AM  

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