JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Roller Coaster Ride of Stress

Thanks for checking up and nudging me, April. I apologize to all of my readers for having been lax in posting. I have been on this roller coaster ride of stress and emotions. Things with my class have been intense - going very well or with very big problems. Preparing for it has taken a huge chunk of my life. Luckily next week is the last week.

To add to that, Mom is not doing well. She's losing weight rapidly, becoming less and less mobile, less responsive to people other than the other residents (apparently they have these non-nonsensical conversations), and just generally on a fast moving decline. Its upsetting to hear, especially because, as consistent with how things have been, is not getting the level of treatment that I think she should.

Add to that trying to fit in writing fellowship applications and doing research for my team, I've just been this ball of stress. Every night, the stress level increases so much that I eat and drink to soothe it. Then, I feel relaxed and can fall asleep, but wake up around 3 am feeling sick and stressed and am struggle to fall back asleep. So, I'm stressed and then exhausted and then trying to function at this lower level and then fall behind, become more stressed, use more bad coping mechanisms, and become more exhausted. I'm in a bad cycle right now.

But, I spoke pretty openly about it yesterday with my therapist. She told me, as she often does, that I need to learn how to take care of myself, to soothe myself when I'm feeling anxious and stressed. It broke the cycle for me - and then I went to acupuncture today and then got a massage and had dinner with the massage therapist. Now, I'm feeling a lot calmer and more in control of my emotions. But, this is my struggle right now - trying to manage the anxiety even in the midst of chaos.

I mean in the time that I write this post, I found out that Mom had a seizure today and had to deal with all of the drama surrounding that. Augh! Grr! Such anguish to have your mother not be well. My massage therapist (who also does astrology) said that I'm going through a period of deep transition and so I need to really mine all that comes up for me now and give in to the fact that its just a hard time.

So, I should try to come back more regularly to blogging. I think that it will help me find time to deal with my thoughts and get them out of my head instead of constantly nagging at me. Thanks to all of you who continue to read my posts and send me support.

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