Heartache

Last night, an old boyfriend showed up from out of town. It became clear that he was only interested in sleeping with me on his way through town and nothing more. He was somewhat rude, and the whole evening was disappointing and depressing.

Then, tonight I thought I'd celebrate after finishing my first full dissertation chapter that will be my writing sample for the job market. Plus, I wanted to blow off steam and find some girl to kiss to make me feel better about having been dumped. Jennifer, my ex-girlfriend and one of my best friends, offered to drive me. I spent a lot of time getting ready and got very excited about the possibility of kissing Jennifer again -- I mean, why would she offer to pick me up so far out of the way if it wasn't to have the opportunity to be alone with me?

We get to the club which has weekly gay night on Sunday. At first, it was very fun. I know a lot of people there who are all very friendly. And it feels good to dance. I do tequila shots - only 3 over the course of the night. But it feels good to let loose. Jennifer bugs me for not flirting with women, but all I want to do is dance, and I just think about how great it'll be to kiss, and that I won't make the first move.

Then, she starts dancing with this woman. (She had encouraged me to dance with her; she's new in town, but I told J that the woman is WAY too young for me.) And then twice straight men practically maul me on the dance floor. I'm so grossed out and disappointed about what's happening with J, that eventually I take a cab home which cost me $30!

Now its 2am, and its too depressing to get into bed alone tonight. I feel very lonely. I miss having someone to share my life with. Its been very hard stopping myself from calling Larry. I did look on facebook and see that he's now listed as single and interested in women. Its as if he's ready to start dating already, and tomorrow will be a week since he dumped me.

Everything hurts too much. I am working all the time trying to get my job packet ready. My home is a mess from the kitchen remodel. I just want to go away to Esalen, but I sadly don't have even 5 days to take off. I took off so much time visiting my family, having surgery, and then recovering.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed tonight.