JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Heartache

Last night, an old boyfriend showed up from out of town. It became clear that he was only interested in sleeping with me on his way through town and nothing more. He was somewhat rude, and the whole evening was disappointing and depressing.

Then, tonight I thought I'd celebrate after finishing my first full dissertation chapter that will be my writing sample for the job market. Plus, I wanted to blow off steam and find some girl to kiss to make me feel better about having been dumped. Jennifer, my ex-girlfriend and one of my best friends, offered to drive me. I spent a lot of time getting ready and got very excited about the possibility of kissing Jennifer again -- I mean, why would she offer to pick me up so far out of the way if it wasn't to have the opportunity to be alone with me?

We get to the club which has weekly gay night on Sunday. At first, it was very fun. I know a lot of people there who are all very friendly. And it feels good to dance. I do tequila shots - only 3 over the course of the night. But it feels good to let loose. Jennifer bugs me for not flirting with women, but all I want to do is dance, and I just think about how great it'll be to kiss, and that I won't make the first move.

Then, she starts dancing with this woman. (She had encouraged me to dance with her; she's new in town, but I told J that the woman is WAY too young for me.) And then twice straight men practically maul me on the dance floor. I'm so grossed out and disappointed about what's happening with J, that eventually I take a cab home which cost me $30!

Now its 2am, and its too depressing to get into bed alone tonight. I feel very lonely. I miss having someone to share my life with. Its been very hard stopping myself from calling Larry. I did look on facebook and see that he's now listed as single and interested in women. Its as if he's ready to start dating already, and tomorrow will be a week since he dumped me.

Everything hurts too much. I am working all the time trying to get my job packet ready. My home is a mess from the kitchen remodel. I just want to go away to Esalen, but I sadly don't have even 5 days to take off. I took off so much time visiting my family, having surgery, and then recovering.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed tonight.

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2 Comments:

Blogger April_optimist said...

Sounds like you've had a tough week. A thought--What could you do by yourself that would bring you pleasure? It's important because every time you do something that makes you feel good by yourself, it proves to you that you don't have to be hostage to what anyone else says or does or feels. Paradoxically, that seems to make it easier to find someone else and have a healthy relationship based on kindness and respect.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008 3:03:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

April, your comments are always so right on!

Thursday, August 21, 2008 10:41:00 PM  

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