JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Some Thoughts To Larry

After I met his family, Larry told me "I love you." I felt both my heart rise and sink. There are so many times that I've felt myself scream "I love you" inside. But, I'm so afraid of what these words mean. So many people who I've loved have used my love as a way to manipulate me and to put up with being hurt and abused. I've forever been a hopeless romantic, but I've also consistently fallen too quickly. Part of how I get hurt is the pain of seeing someone learn who the real me is and then decide that that's not someone they even like.

You and I have only been together a month. Its been a fairy tale month of roses wrapped in love notes, concerts, amazing meals, laughter, teddy bear snuggles, and joy. I like hearing your voice before I go to bed at night. When you hold me, it is like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. When you look at me, I feel something inside melt. And you are quickly becoming my best friend. I know that my challenge is to not lose myself in all of this and to take the time to get to know you properly. I want you to love me for who I really am, and for me to love you for who you really are - the flaws and complexities and all.

There's something that I've been holding back for you out of fear. I still have feelings for my ex-girlfriend and friend Jennifer. I have been afraid to talk with you about this for fear that you'll be frustrated and leave me. But, I want us to have an honest and open relationship, and hence I think that I should come clean to you. I think that part of what I'm feeling for her is coming from psychological defenses: I have this pattern of finding a way "out" of relationships, especially within the first month, and I think that these feelings for Jennifer are a way of providing this "out." In a way, you could see this as an honor -- I haven't been able to find something about you that's been a red flag, like there has been in past relationships. The other thing that's going on here is that because my mother is dying -- it feels like there's something wrong. By this I mean that I feel like its just wrong that that she will die, especially this way. This feeling of something being wrong generalizes -- so I feel like something's just wrong and I can't figure out what it is. Sometimes that leads me to question things...everything...until I realize that its just about my Mom.

I hope that you still want to be with me. I hope that you'll take the time to get to know and appreciate all parts of me -- flaws and all. I hope that you'll have patience for the fact that I'm going through a very difficult time in life and that I'm far from perfect and certainly not well knowledged in being in a successful relationship. Know that I've come to care about you very deeply, and that I am also falling for you. The words "I love you" though will terrify me though until I know you deeply and intimately, so that my love will be based on appreciation for every part of you and not projections of who I want you to be.


Blogger April_optimist said...

I'm smiling to know you have such wonderful times with this person. I'm smiling to think that you have such joy in your life in the midst of all the challenges. I'm smiling and cheering your courage at facing what's happening inside you as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Monday, June 23, 2008 9:22:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks April. I didn't send him that -- but it does help a lot to have someone fantastic in my life right now.

Monday, June 23, 2008 9:50:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Courageous, meticulous statement of your feelings. Don't worry about not having "sent" this to him. You've clarified yourself for yourself and that will make it easier to reveal yourself to Larry as time passes. Just live in your reality and, as april_optimist suggests, take every opportunity to live in the joy. You'll know when it's time...for everything.
In regard to your mother's condition making everything feel "wrong", well, believe me, when you are about to lose the bedrock of who you are as a person, everything is wrong! Hang in there and trust that, if you let it, life always has a way of "coming 'round right again".

Sunday, August 03, 2008 9:03:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

We'll see!

Monday, August 04, 2008 6:40:00 AM  

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