JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, August 11, 2008

He Dumped Me

I sit here typing crying my eyes out, confused as all hell, having had a fabulous and then horrible night. I don't exactly know what happened. Everything was lovely: sushi at my favorite restaurant, great conversation, emotional intimacy as Larry opened up and we both shared things for the first time.

When we got to my place, he kissed me and then proceeded to explain to me that he was breaking up with me. I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach. I want to cry my eyes out, and I do. And then I stop and just feel so confused. I don't know whether to cry and be upset or be angry that he's been hiding these negative feelings and doubts all the while telling me that he loves me and wants to be with me.

I feel like such an idiot and incapable of having a successful long term relationship. At least with Jerry we lasted 6 months. And this was 4 months! Why have I been opening up to this man; trusting him with my heart? I told him at the beginning that I wasn't looking for a relationship because I had enough going on in my life with my mom. But he told me that he was ready to take all of it on. And I believed him. Did he ever mean it? Why did he have me buy $350 opera tickets? Why was he making plans with me to go on vacation and to travel to and from Kansas City when my mom passes away? Why did he keep telling me that he loves me and is so happy to be with me?

We did have a fight last week, and then we talked it through. We agreed that I'd get an Imago workbook and we'd work through our issues together. And then things were fantastic again between us.

Augh! Augh! Augh! Okay, so the Jewbu quest right now is to let go of my attachment to the relationship, to ground myself in the present moment and the things that I do have (my friends, graduate school, fabulous mentors, graduating in the fall, my family, etc.), to take extra special care of myself, to give myself permission to feel whatever comes up, and to not internalize any of the negative things that Larry said to me.

I am so incredibly heart broken right now. I really felt so deeply for this man. I opened up to him and counted on him. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call him and beg him to take me back. Another part of me wants to never speak to him again. Part of me wants to get really drunk. Another part of me wants to stay up all night and cry. This is all so unexpected.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Well, first of all...I read your immediately previous post first and, after reading this post, I can definitely say, Larry's been waving some HUGE red flags; so you can definitely trust your instincts.

Your disappointment, here, echoes through me in a few similar situations. "Back then", it was safer to blame myself, because, at least, I knew that I could (supposedly) control myself and attempt to be responsible for my romantic choices, even if they were wrong and I followed through with them, anyway.

You know what I think, now, Karma, looking back on all my relationships, good and bad? Not only can a person not control others, when it comes to romance, often we simply can't control ourselves, even if we want to and we have imago workbooks to help us. So, I think, all those things you were wondering if you should do in your last paragraph? DO THEM ALL!!!

Finally, hard truths about ourselves are not easy to recognize, let alone divulge. Without disparaging him, Larry sounds like the prototype of this. But, he's not alone. Even those of us who talk a lot don't necessarily talk in truth even when we think we are. And, when we do divulge a truth, often we don't know we're doing it. A good example of this that struck me right away is that Larry constantly put you off for his "friends", and yet, almost offhand, he admitted that he doesn't have any really close friends. What he was really saying, then, is that he was seeking opportunities, any opportunity, to escape you, and himself by escaping the promises he made to you when he told you he was in love with you. Yikes!

This isn't you, Karma, this is him. Yes, maybe it seems to you as though you are constantly putting yourself in the path of the wrong men; that maybe there is something about you that signals to guys such as Larry, and Jerry, for that matter, "Oh, I can get away with my confusion with her, and maybe, since I can do that, I can have a loving relationship." Doesn't work that way, of course. But, consider this: YOU ARE AWARE OF YOURSELF! Aware enough so that these blip relationships don't last. One way or another, whether it's you or the man saying adios, you don't make the mistake of forcing a relationship that simply isn't what you want. GOOD FOR YOU! That's a HUGE sign that you can continue, reasonably, to HOPE! If you know nothing else about yourself at this time, KNOW THIS: YOU ARE CAPABLE OF FIGURING OUT, QUICKLY, WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ISN'T GOING TO WORK AND, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, BRINGING IT TO AN END! GOOD GOING, THERE! DON'T GIVE UP!

It's really true, Karma, there are a lot of frogs out there that aren't princes in disguise and, unfortunately, the only way to find the princes is to kiss each one that seems likely to be a prince. Fairy tales are told over and over for a reason...they actually contain kernels of truth.

Now. Yell. Scream. Grieve. Cry. If you feel like you want to try getting him back, do it, just to get it out of your system. Then, when that doesn't work, you'll be ready to let him go. One down, someone else to go.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008 1:12:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Gail, you're inspiring me to my next post. Thank you for your thoughtful advice.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008 8:47:00 AM  
Blogger April_optimist said...

Big, big (((hugs))). I'm with Gail that there were red flags. Especially the one about he can cancel on you even at the last minute for any reason at all. And the way he handled your last evening together... You deserve better.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008 12:16:00 PM  

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