JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Ready to Move On

Well, this break-up really tore me up. I didn't fall asleep the first night until around 2am and then woke up around 7am. I was crying all the time and couldn't focus at all on work.

I decided that instead of the original plan that was made when Larry dumped me -- that we would meet again later for him to explain the reasons why he wanted to end things. I just couldn't take any of that in the other night; I needed time to digest that he had told me that he loved me and then shortly afterwards was telling me that he's leaving.

So yesterday morning, I emailed him and asked if he would write it down in an email/letter instead of meeting with me. He wrote back that he was thinking the same thing, but that he'd "get" to it when he has time. I wrote him pleading for him to take the time to do it as soon as possible because I need it to heal. He replied briefly saying that it should be enough knowing that I'm "invisible" to what he's thinking (or something along those lines). I replied with another plea for the explanation, telling him that he claims to have loved and cared about me, and if that is true, then please to give me what I need. I told him that this was all I want - not to get back together, not to see him. I was thinking to myself that I'm not asking for him to pay for the tickets I bought for him to go to the opera which I can't use now, that I'm not asking for him to get some of my stuff back to me; I just asked to know why he made the decision to break up with me.

And I spent all day just waiting for his email, waiting for him to give me closure, bracing myself for whatever he might say. I phoned my therapist sometime in the afternoon asking her if I should contact him again, perhaps call him, and try to talk him to getting me this letter OR just tell him to forget about. She told me that I was being anxious, and that I needed to control my anxiety until our therapy meeting (at 11am today).

Last night was his last reply. It came around 11pm. He told me, in very carefully worded terms: "I will write to you later this week. I need to work on something for my
meeting with Derek on Thursday. Plus I think a cooler head/heart would
help me summarize my feelings." When I read this, I just felt so angry. He's telling me that HIS school work is more important than my work (because I haven't been able to work) and my well being. He is speaking to me in these carefully crafted words that are free of emotion, indicating a huge distance between us.

So I thought about it. My therapist told me to not say anything until she and I meet. But why did I really need to keep holding on to this? Why do I need to give him the power to tell me what my mistakes were and what lessons I need to learn for next time? Why should I continue holding on to my love and care for him to want to know what happened in his heart? Why should I continue to feel pain for the loss of a relationship with a person who was showing total disregard for me? (I mean this in terms of the letter request, that he planned out breaking up with me without any communication with me that he was even thinking of such a think, that we got so vulnerable with each other RIGHT before the break-up, etc.)

So I emailed him back and said, " I think that your response to me in the last two days tells me enough. I would prefer it if we end our contact with each other here." After I sent it, I felt very empowered and relieved. Finally, I could let go of my pain and my heartache and my attachment to the relationship. And when I think about it, I can figure out on my own and with the help of my friends and my therapist what the lessons are for me and what to do differently next time. Why should I respect the opinion of a person who has been lying (keeping things from me) for months now and who shows blatant disregard for what I need? The letter would likely have been very carefully crafted and diplomatic, but written in a way that would just hurt me and blame me for everything.

With that off my back, I was able to relax a little bit and then fall asleep. I finally slept very deeply. I woke up this morning a little happy and a little angry at him. In part, I'm happy that I am able to move on from the shock to the angry phase. I've struggled for such a long time to be able to let myself feel anger, since like many women especially women survivors, I tend to repress anger which turns into depression. I feel happy that I was able to decipher for myself what I needed and take back control of my life. I feel happy that I'm able to take back control of my life in general, that I can get back to the many parts of my life that I really do love, and I can move on from a man who had a lot to offer me, but was clearly not my soul mate. I see that now, now that he's shown his true colors a bit. I don't need to know exactly how or where he's been keeping things from me or even who he really is. I know that he's not someone that I can share my life with.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Whoa, Karma! Sooooo cool!
I'm raising my glass (of life) to you in salute!
Although you may not understand why and, unfortunately, I may not successfully explain this in words (although I'll try), reading this post of yours was inspiring to me!
You did everything you needed to do, you were flexible as you did these things, realizing that, as you did what you needed to do your needs changed and you accommodated those changes. You did it exclusively by inner direction. And then you relaxed!
Yeow! You are the heroine of your life! Remember that!

Thursday, August 14, 2008 1:08:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thank you so much, Gail! It has gotten harder and sad again from time to time. Part of the ease that has come into this break-up has been because of the immense support that I have from this blog, my friends, my family, and my advisor. I've been trying to build these relationships over a long period of time, and I see now that that this effort has really paid off!

Thursday, August 14, 2008 4:34:00 PM  

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