Upping Medication, Hernia, and Dissertation Proposal Defense
Mom's medication is being upped, but they're spreading it out so that she won't be asleep all the time. Dad had hernia micro-surgery yesterday and is still recovering. Tomorrow, I've got a meeting with my dissertation committee to defend my dissertation proposal. There's a lot of stress, to say the least.
On top of it, Larry stops by tonight; he says to be there for me. Then, he tells me that his friend is having a celebration of his own because he'll be advancing to candidacy. And he wants to go. Although, he's not straightforward about telling me this; its all sort of circular. So he cancels our plans to go out to dinner.
This process sucks. I am probably not for dating right now. I'm overwhelmed with emotions, and sometimes not sleeping so fantastically. Everything is up in the air for tomorrow as to if I'll go on the job market this summer, what my dissertation will look like, and if I'll be able to take time off easily to be with Mom and then mourn her approaching death. I want to call her and have her comfort me, but that's not an option. I want to call her after the defense and have her be proud of me. Tonight, I'm feeling sad and stressed. But I'm also grateful to those loyal blog readers of mine. Thanks for your support.
posted by Karma @ 10:52 PM
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7 Comments:
Just stopping by to say hello, as I am trying to get caugh up on all things bloggy. Good luck with the committee. Keep us posted, won't you. And do something rejuvenating for yourself to reduce stress. You've got a lot of it on your plate right now.
((((((safe hugs))))))
How did it go? (((Hugs))) on all the stress. Know that you are in my thoughts.
Although your mom is in a place that makes it difficult to impossible to reach out and comfort you, know, Karma, that if she could, she'd be there for you. Meditate on what you know she would say and how you know she would feel if she were able to comfort you and celebrate with you. Trust your knowledge of your mother and your relationship with her to be there for you, even if her reality makes it seem like she's not. She is. Really.
I do have a lot on my plate, and April, your nudges get me to keep up with blogging, thanks!
Thinking about having Mom around and comforting me just makes me sad. It makes me miss that even more.
And, you know what, Karma, it is my belief that she is there for you in your sadness and your missing of her, too...even if it seems like she's not. So...be sad, miss her, and know that somehow, in one of those mysterious ways that life guarantees, she gets it, and she's sad with you.
That's the thing though -- I don't want her to spend her last days being sad. I want her to enjoy the end of her life as much as she can. So I'm left trying to hide my sadness from her.
I didn't understand the concluding part of your article, could you please explain it more?
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