JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

More Seizures and My Father's About to Burst

Mom had another seizure today. She might have had one yesterday too: no one saw it, but she was very sleepy, which is often a sign that a seizure occurred for her. If you've been reading along, you probably already know that pretty soon, her meds will be increased for seizures, which will have side effect of making her sleep all the time. Yup, that's right, not ever wake up again. And shortly after that, she'll pass.

So, word of her having a seizure is terrifying. But, I didn't hear from my father or from hospice, both of whom I would expect to call me. My sister just happened to stop by to visit Mom, and then, she called me.

It hit me that she's supposed to get an extra dose of Ativan when she has a seizure to prevent further seizures, but she's had several repeated seizures. So, I called Mom's facility and asked to speak to the med tech, who not only confirmed that Mom didn't get that extra dose, but that she thought that the liquid Ativan prn was only to be given as a substitute for the pills if Mom is unconscious. So, I asked to speak with the nurse on call, who didn't call me. Then, I called the hospice nurse who said she'd take care of it. Then, I called back a couple of hours later and spoke with the new med tech working (the other had finished her shift). The new med tech told me that Mom still hadn't gotten that extra Ativan, although she said, she should have. However, since that was before her shift, she couldn't do anything about it.

Then, I called the nurse of the facility and the hospice nurse. The nurse of the facility told me that she hadn't even been informed that Mom had a seizure and apologized. The hospice nurse first told me that Mom should get the extra Ativan, and then called me later to tell me that it was too late (after she spoke with the med tech of the facility). I think the med tech was just refusing to do it. The hospice nurse said that it wouldn't hurt Mom, but that it could help.

I fear that Mom will have a bigger seizure tomorrow, which could potentially have been prevented if she got her prescribed medication, and that this will all hasten the upping of her medication overall, and hence, her death. I'm angry that perhaps her earlier 4 seizures in 4 days could have been prevented, especially since that caused her to lose her ability to walk or even stand.

I'm angry at my father, who after finally calling me back, told me that there's no reason to tell me or my sister when things happen because there's nothing we can do and he's busy. I really hate him sometimes.

I don't know what I'm going to do when she passes. I had thought of driving up and staying with my father for a month, but I see now that I can't do that. I won't put myself through his verbal and emotional abuse. I will however, let go of the fact that he's giving away all of her stuff to my sister and his friends, and not even mentioning things to me. When I told him that I'd take their wedding china, after he threatened to just get rid of it, then he told me that I can't have it and is being insistent that my sister take it, even though she has our tante Christel's china. I don't need to spend any time or effort on these material things. I need to focus on Mom and dealing with my grief. I also need to deal with trying to catch up and get ahead with work stuff so that when need be, I can just drop it all and run to Kansas City. I need to figure out how the hell to get there and if I'll take my dog and where I'll stay.

On the upside, school is going well and this new man, Larry, is fantastic. With the exception of these all too often crises, things in my life are going well. If only I had my Mom to share it with.


Blogger April_optimist said...

Big ((((((hugs))))))! Such a difficult situation to be dealing with--all of it, from how they are treating (or not treating) your mother to your father's abusiveness. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Monday, June 09, 2008 10:04:00 AM  
Anonymous Deb Peterson said...

Oh Karma, I'm so sorry to hear that your Mom is not doing well! I'm catching up with my internet friends and--what did I expect?--we are all dealing with tough situations. Take care of yourself--you are caring so well for your Mom! I'll keep checking in.

Monday, June 09, 2008 5:13:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

I think, as death approaches, everything seems wrong...because death never really seems right to those who are left and, sometimes, to those who are dying.
I'm glad to hear that you're letting the infernal arguments over material stuff go. That's a brave move, too, considering how the possessions that surround one in life take on extra meaning for loved ones left after the person dies. If you find yourself going back and forth on this, let your heart sort it out. You have a very strong heart, Karma.

Sunday, August 03, 2008 9:13:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Deb, April, and Gail. It is certainly not an easy process to watch your mother die of Alzheimer's!

Monday, August 04, 2008 6:38:00 AM  

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