JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Did I Mention That I Hate My Father?

Everything is falling through with my trip back from Kansas City to home. I'm offering people to pay for their entire way, just so that I can have someone to go with me, and I can't find anyone interested. And so I made a desperate move and tried to plan a family trip over New Year's at a mid-point between KC and my home. I got my sister interested in going and offered to babysit her kids New Years. I called my Dad and asked him to drive with me and get a one way ticket on an airline home. He told me he'd think about it.

Last night, I got really emotional before I went to sleep just thinking about what it meant to ask my father to do me a favor. I thought about how my mom would have immediately offered to go with me, and how she forced herself on going with me when I moved out here, even though she knew that she couldn't drive on a highway but hadn't bothered to tell me that. Anyway, I started getting very sad about not having my mom around anymore. I broke open this box of photographs that I took from my Dad's house of my childhood just to look at photographs of Mom before she had Alzheimer's. I cried and cried about not having anyone to love me the way that she used to.

This morning, my sister called to tell me that Dad spoke with her this morning. He told her that he wouldn't even CONSIDER taking the trip with me. Apparently, he's not even going to tell me that to my face. He said that he won't not visit Mom for even a day. I find that such a hurtful excuse when I KNOW that my mom would want him to come with me. She's forced him to travel to be there for me in the past and would NOT want me to travel alone for such a long distance.

I hate my father for not telling me to my face. I hate him for not even considering my safety or my needs. I hate him for talking me into bringing my dog to stay with him and then not helping me get her home. I hate him for thinking that I'm selfish by even mentioning such a trip, when it would be good for him to have a couple of days away and for the whole family to have some time together AND equating me having needs with being selfish. I hate him for not being able to act as my father.

And why, you ask, did I get myself in this situation in the first place? Well, I was dating Larry when I brought my dog to Kansas City. He had offered to drive with me. Now, I'm alone for New Year's and driving many hours on desolate roads by myself.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Karma said...

The problem with leaving the dog in the car is if its snowing or raining. Plus there's the not having anyone to share the driving, no one to talk to in the car, no one to look on the map for somewhere to eat while I drive, no one to make sure that I'm safe.

Monday, November 17, 2008 12:24:00 PM  
Anonymous tafka pp said...

If I wasn't changing jobs at the exact time you were planning this, I'd be there in a second... I'm so sorry.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008 12:43:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

What happened to April's comment? Anyway, thanks to April and PP for your comments.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008 9:10:00 AM  
Blogger April_optimist said...

Big (((hugs))). My thoughts about your father can't be posted because they're all profane.

Monday, November 24, 2008 3:10:00 PM  

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