Good Times, Friend Dies

So last night I met on old friend at one of my favorite bars for a drink. He's leaving town, and it was nice to have time to catch up. It was funny though, he asked me: "So why is it that all of your friends are either Jewish or lesbians?"

Then, I went over to a friend's place where a group of us meet every Sunday to watch the "L Word." Even though I got there late, they waited for me. We were laughing and commenting on the show. After it ended, we sat around and talked and played the Wi that someone just bought.

Until we got the call. A friend of ours died Sunday night. She had been not feeling well for months now. I didn't know this because we weren't that close, but apparently she was having very low blood sugar and lots of other symptoms. The doctors either would tell her that there wasn't anything wrong or send her away. She often ended up in urgent care, and the doctors there wouldn't pay too much attention to her. The bills from that added up until she owed so much that the hospital didn't want to treat her anymore. She struggled to find any medical care.

She went to her parents' home to try to get better. Last week, she finally got a diagnosis: Addison's Disease. And then, she just died.

We were all in shock. I stayed around until 12:30 am comforting my friends and trying to process. I'm VERY ANGRY that my friend died this very preventable death because doctors tend not to take women seriously and because we don't have affordable health care in this country. I'm sad to see my friends in pain. And, I'm thinking about how hard it is to lose my Mom.

Volver

Last night, I saw the movie "Volver" with a classmate, which I really enjoyed. The movie deals with death, incest, family relations, and inheritence in a very interersting way that is at times humorous. I highly recommend it. The incest is dealth with in such a way that I didn't find it triggering, but instead somewhat empowering.

Watching the movie increased this feeling that I've been having, which is that I just want to be with my mom for as long as possible. I don't care anymore about my career, although I know that at some point I will again. I just want to be with my mom.

Link

Question for Caretakers: How to Talk to Someone With Alzheimer's About Death

We told Mom this morning that her mother died. She was upset for about a minute, and then it was like she forgot altogether. She changed the subject and then was seemingly happy. We tried again, but the same thing happened. I'm not sure what my mother understood.

Has anyone else had to talk to someone with Alzheimer's about death? I'm not sure how often to bring it up and how much to just let it go. I mean maybe its okay if she doesn't understand that her mother died. I'm a bit worried what's going to happen at the funeral; I don't want it to be a shock to her then that her mother is gone. Any thoughts?

Grandma Passed Early This Morning

I got in to Kansas City last night around 4:30pm. Dad picked me up and took me to dinner. I took a couple asprin because I could feel a migraine coming on, but I didn't want to bring out the big guns (aka real medication for the migraine that I should take immediately at onset) because I wanted to be able to drive to see Grandma later. On the way back to his house, we stopped by Mom's. She was SO happy to see me. She was in the bathroom when we got there - for God knows how long, probably putting soap on her face. There wasn't anything going on - one of the two tvs featured an infomerical on Proactiv (product for acne).

I made Mom tea (finding the herbal tea bags I got for her still locked away in her room and unused). Then, I put on one of her Barbara Streisand DVDs and brought her friend Shelly over to watch with her. I also turned on the VCR on the other TV, so that the residents sitting near there could actually watch something interesting to them.

Then, we went back to Dad's. I got my luggage to my room and called my sister. She said that she was briefly taking my niece over to Grandma's so that my niece could say goodbye. I wanted to be there for that, and also needed sis' help getting into Grandma's room that late at night. So I ran over to Grandma's.

Grandma was lying in bed with oxygen in her nose and her mouth wide open. You could hear her struggling to breathe. She looked like hell but her hair was somewhat done and she had lipstick on, which I was happy about because I know that'd be important to her. My sister was there already with her husband and two kids, and our cousin and this couple that used to take care of Grandma were there was well. My niece kept looking at Grandma and saying "I love you I love you I love you." She, my sister, and I sang Grandma this song "I love you" that her husband, my papa, used to sing to us.

My sister and I left around 9:30pm. The cousin was going to stay the night with Grandma. We planned to take my Mom today to say goodbye to Grandma. When I arrived, the nurse said that Grandma was responding by breathing heavier and had an increased heart rate. She said that perhaps Grandma had been waiting for me. We guessed that more likely, she's waiting for her daugters. I had told Grandma that it was okay that she died because we all love her and she'll live on inside of us.

Anyway, I am losing my timeline here. I got to Dad's, unpacked, and took Restoril (like Xanax, which I've been taking every night since the murder last year and used to take when couldn't sleep because of the rape), a muscle relaxer, and eventually when I still felt the pain of the migraine Imitrex (but double the dose I normally take because there was an error in the prescription, and I didn't want to bother cutting it in half). I knew that I had a big day ahead of me today, so I wanted to make sure that I didn't wake up with a migraine. But, I was completely knocked out.

My sister called me at 3:15 to tell me to go over to Grandma's because things were worsening. I didn't move when she called my cell but eventually half asleep answered the home phone when she called. I tried to explain that I was medicated and needed to sleep, but she called again around 6am to tell me that Grandma had died. She told me to get up and come over and be with the body, but I explained that I couldn't drive and wanted to sleep. Plus, I don't WANT to see the body, that's way too creepy for me.

My dad woke me up around 7:45am to tell me that my sister called him to see if I was up. We spoke briefly and then she went to get my niece ready for school. When she called later, my dad answered as well. My sis said that she wants to go today to tell Mom. Dad said that he wants to wait because the funeral won't be until Monday at earliest, so better to tell her Saturday or Sunday. I tried to stay out of it but said that I agree that maybe we shouldn't tell her until family starts to come into town. Finally, we agreed to tell her tomorrow, although my sister is clearly unhappy about this.

I'm going to go workout and have a shower, then my sister and her hubby and son are coming over for lunch. Then my sis and I are going to Mom's to take her out shopping. I bet you that she tries to convince me to tell Mom this afternoon. I have to be strong because I REALLY think Mom'll just want to be alone with my dad a bit after she hears. Of course, the plan is after that to not leave her alone much.

Grandma Will Pass In the Coming Hours

I got a phone message from my sister, could tell that she was crying. I phoned her back sitting in the waiting room for my neurology appointment. She told me that Grandma is having much difficulty breathing and the people from Hospice say that she'll pass sometime within the next 24 hours. My sister says that it is getting increasingly worse and that it could be any time now.

I will be traveling back to Kansas City tomorrow morning. I may not be online for awhile - so I'm going to change the way that you can leave comments so that I don't have to approve them.

I think its a blessing that Grandma won't have to suffer anymore, but it is very sad that's she's dying, and I am afraid of what the experience of the next week will be like for Mom.

Unconditional Love and Schmucks

It has really been hitting me recently that when my mom and grandmother die, there won't be anyone in the world who unconditionally loves me on a deep level. Now, I have a couple of friends who love me and some family who in their own way love me. And I am grateful for this. But, I'm talking about have your back no matter what, will take care of you when you get sick, no matter what you say or do will be supporting you and wishing you well, no question that they'll be in your life 5 years from now. With the rest of my family, their love is quite conditional, and they've honestly made this clear.

I had been comforted knowing that I have this long and deep friendship with *A* who had said before that we're family. But, he has been completely blowing me off since he moved out. And when I point this out or when I asked for help when I wasn't feeling well a couple of days ago, he is completely aloof. I feel so abandoned by him and disappointed.

Another weekend and I'm not sure if I even have anything to do with myself other than work. Well, I do have a date tonight, a blind date at that. And, my book club is meeting is Sunday, and tomorrow I may go to a lecture on Karma (seriously, not me, but Karma Karma). But, *A* doesn't have time for me, and the next person who I thought I was closest with doesn't have time for me. They just say to me - well I have other plans, without inviting me along or finding a different time.

Plus, on top of this, my job stuff is out of control. Turns out that I misunderstood a big part of the project and now I have to work double time to try to fix it, and everyone is mad at me. I'm trying to take the blame and just get help fixing it, but honestly, some of this is really not my fault: our tech person completely misrepresented things to me, and I have been pushing them for months now to put stuff into stone, and now that it is way too late and everything's a mess, now they're finally working some of this out. Still, somehow, I'm supposed to make all of these different people with opposing needs happy. I am so tempted to quit.