JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Hard to Say Goodbye

*A* moved the rest of his stuff out tonight. I could feel myself getting really mad at him, and then I realized that I'm not really mad at him, I'm just upset that he's moving out. I know that he was always only supposed to be here temporarily and that I'm supposed to be moving on with my life and letting go of any hope of being in a real relationship with him.

But it is so hard. He is really my only means of support here (other than services I receive - massage, acupunture, therapy). And I've loved him for 17 years. It is SO difficult to connect with people in my town; I started looking around for grief support groups and meditation classes, which will be both good for me and a way to connect with people without the pressure of grad school competitiveness.

Things don't seem to be going so well with the woman that I hired to take care of Mom in the evenings. Dad called me to tell me that she was over there one morning with some kid that she was babysitting. And my sister called me to tell me once that she wasn't over there when she was supposed to be one evening. And then Monday night, she wasn't there either. It is hard being so far away from Mom.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Just a minor suggestion, Karma, but, what about, besides meditation and support groups, see if you can't find an activity group of some sort (not volunteer or anything like that) that revolves around learning something totally new and different and out of your usual sphere, something really crazy like, if you've never skate boarded, finding a group that teaches people how to do that, or, hell, I don't know, belly dancing, even ballroom dancing, something you've never before considered...something completely unexpected and maybe even something where you're not sure you're going to end up around people you'd normally consider peers.
I ache for you about "A", though. Give yourself some time to grieve about that one. 17 years is a long, long time.

Thursday, October 05, 2006 2:19:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

That's a really good idea. The question is about finding the groups....hmmmm, I think I'll look at the adult continuing education classes at my local junior college. They have these really informal classes on just about everything. What a great idea.

Thursday, October 05, 2006 9:12:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

I've been thinking a lot about your comments, Gail, and I've been looking around town for other interesting things that I'd like to do and putting into my schedule, so that I have options. It is hard because I don't have a lot of time between work and trying to write my master's thesis. But, I need to find the time.

Friday, October 06, 2006 1:07:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

I'm glad my suggestion helped. One thing, though, don't tie yourself in knots over "having" to do things that will just make you feel, if you don't do them "promptly", that you've let yourself down. Be kind to yourself. Trust your soul.

Friday, October 06, 2006 7:49:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

I understand. Tonight, I have around 5 things to do tonight, and instead I'm just sitting at home taking it easy. :)

Friday, October 06, 2006 8:36:00 PM  

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