JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Family, Frustrations, Friends, and Good Times

This morning, I received a phone call from my advisor asking me to step in and try to do some emergency work for our project. An hour later after I'm right in the middle of finishing up, there's an email to me saying that she's giving the project to some one else on our team. Anyway, I've just wasted my time, and I'm annoyed that they did that over email instead of the other guy just calling me - which my advisor still says she wants me to talk to him. I already left him a message. Anyway, whine whine. Okay, I'm done.

Yesterday, dad called me to let me know that he thinks Mom is constipated again and is going to have her medication upped from a stool softner to a stool softener with a laxative. Also, he can't be bothered to bring Mom the danactive yogurt that I would get for Mom to help regulate her and told me that even when he was bringing it, he would bring NOT her favorite flavor because he could get the other easier. He kept saying, "Well the laxative will do the trick. That's what worked for [our aunt who my dad was caretaking for years ago]." I wanted to scream at him that Mom is not our aunt. I was trying to be understanding of his situation of having plenty to take care of with Mom anyway, but it just frustrates me that he wouldn't be willing to just talk about other possibilities - especially since he's so normally anti-anything mainstream medicine, and now he won't even consider anything BUT that. Like how about we get her on a fiber suplement and keep up the yogurt and push the ALF to feed her food that she digests better.

Today, I spoke with my sister about it, who claimed that she had off loaded the buying of the yogurt on to Dad because money is so tight for them right now because my Dad won't give them any money and they're not working. I'm so not getting into the middle of this fight between my sister and my Dad, but I pointed out to my sister that the yogurt isn't very expensive. I told her if that's really the issue, then I'll send her a check for $20 every month so that Mom can get her yogurt. Ridiculous! My sister, of course, declined - its not the money that she's thinking about now but this dance that she is doing with my father.

On a funny note though, my sister complained that my father told both my sister and her husband that he wishes that his daughter married doctors.
Me: But Dad hates doctors.
Sister: Well not medical doctors, but someone with a PhD.

So, this is a direct reference to Jerry! My dad told my sister that he likes my boyfriend better than her husband I guess. It is WAY obnoxious of my father. But, it cracks me up because my father has liked NO ONE that I've ever dated before, he's never even met Jerry, I'm not married or anywhere near it which Dad used to make a big deal about, and my sister is the one following the path Dad set out for us while I'm the one doing my own thing. I think that it also demonstrates some respect for me working on my PhD.

So how are things going with Jerry? Pretty good, I'd say. I still find myself at moments feeling insecure and thinking that maybe he doesn't really like me. Then, I try to step back and breathe a bit and pull away my sense of self from his affection. Anyway, things are going well. He keeps me pretty busy because I see him almost every day - either we meet up for dinner or to just hang out at the end of the day.

My conference is coming up, and I'm still nervous about it. My ex-girlfriend offered for me to stay in a room with her and a few others, but I think its a bad idea, and it sounds like only SHE would want me there but that I'd be crowding the room. Anyway, I'm going to stick to being on my own. I joked with Jerry about what a bad idea it would be. I think that I need to sit down and have a talk with her at some point about how I really want to give this thing with Jerry a shot and that means that I can't pursue anything with her and don't even feel comfortable flirting.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Ai, the dances!

I love what you said about your sister actually "thinking about...this dance that she is doing with my father" instead of the issue at hand. It's funny how often we get caught up in those dances and forget why we entered into the dance! Such a good thought!

You sound good, Karma, a little frazzled and annoyed but, you know, WE'RE ALLOWED TO BE FRAZZLED AND ANNOYED, WE'RE ALLOWED TO BE EVERYTHING! I think the trouble starts when we forget to be everything except one thing. You seem to be doing VERY WELL at this, now.

Funny about your dad and the PhD thing, too. Yet another dance, this time his.

I am a little concerned about your mom's troubles with constipation and your dad's and sister's refusal to step up to the plate on this. I KNOW what nursing homes do when constipation becomes a problem. Trust me, you don't want them interceding. I don't know if it will help but, if it might, mention that you know someone (me) who has had experience with nursing homes using spoons on people AND administering such high levels of laxatives that temporary bowel incontinence results, which is not good for the one experiencing constipation. Maybe that'll scare them into acting appropriately. I hope so.

You know, Karma, it almost sounds, from the outside, as though both your dad and your sister are subconsciously trying to force your hand in regard to your contiuing consideration of moving to Kansas for awhile. Keep this in mind. Maybe even mention it to them, if you can think of a way to bring it up so that they become aware of their behavior but aren't so offended that they become even more difficult. From my perspective, they definitely need to be taking more responsibility than they are with your mother...but getting them to do this willingly is going to be hard. I know about this, too.

Ai, families!

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 11:07:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Gail. I am doing good. I use my blog to get out some annoyance sometimes because I don't want to hold it in. But, just expressing myself here - and to my sister and my dad did help. Dad said that he is still bringing the yogurt and that he spoke with one of the morning staff members who offered to give Mom prune juice every morning. She really is in a pretty decent facility; you'd be amazed.

I had also talked with my dad about not giving Mom wine anymore when he takes her out to dinner (because it isn't good for people with dementia, increases the chances that she'll have to go to the bathroom which she can't do alone, and makes her fall asleep too early) AND well it looks like he's going to try that also.

Anyway, I agree with you about Dad and sis trying to force my hand.

Thanks for your support as always.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 5:54:00 PM  

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