JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

This Week's Update

Wow, I really haven't been blogging as much as I used to. I do very much keep up with everyone's responses, which I greatly appreciate. And I'm trying to keep up with some of your blogs. I'm just really busy these days and not feeling as much of a need to write as much - I think because there's so many good things happening.

I'm supposed to host a prospective grad student to my department tonight, and her train is running about an hour late. I had planned to go hiking with Jerry, then pick up the prospy, get take out Chinese (on the department) and head on over to my friends' place for the L-Word. Jerry made plans to pick me up at 3pm, but when I called him at 3:15, seemed spacey about the whole thing. We rushed through hike because the first place we went was covered with brush and ended up not getting a lot of exercise so that we could get back in time for me to get to the train station in time.

Anyway, a lot of worry and effort to plan things only to have them fall apart. It hits a bit of a nerve with me - because I have a tendency to feel out of control with things and over planning helps me feel more in control EXCEPT in cases like this where nothing quite works. Also, now I'm going to have to miss the L-Word (grr). I think that I could have made things work out a bit more if I had more hutzpah, but I have a hard time asking for things, especially when things fall apart a bit and I lose my confidence.

All in all though, its been a pretty nice week. I am stressing a bit about the amount of revision work that I have to do to my thesis. Also, tomorrow night this writing group that I organize is supposed to look at something that I want to turn into an article, and I'm feeling very unprepared.

Time is kinda flying by. I'm feeling a bit nervous again about going to this upcoming conference by myself. But, I'm excited to go home to KC and see my Mom. It was her birthday on Friday. I sent flowers and Jewish pastries she likes from a NY Jewish bakery. She sent me a nice card in return. When I told her how old she was, she got really upset about it. So, when I spoke a later time with Mom and my sister, when Mom asked how old she was, my sister told her "39." Mom still didn't like that, so I said that my sister was kidding and really she's "29". Mom seemed to like that a lot better. Of course, both my sister and I are in our early 30s, so you figure that one out.

Yesterday, I took Jerry to my department barbeque and felt more comfortable there with his accompaniment. Then, we went to see Yo Yo Ma in concert, which was amazing; Jerry's friend got us in for free somehow. Next, we headed to his beer brewing club, had some Thai food, and watched Borat. Jerry spent the night for a first time in a long time, and I really liked that. I'm finally sleeping well with someone else in the bed - - although by the end of the night, by 15 lb dog had shoved Jerry's legs over to my side of the bed, so I didn't have a lot of room.

I'm working to keep my focus on the positive things and on making the most out of every moment. I'm noticing how rigid I am about certain things - when and what I eat, when I sleep - and I'm trying to not get as grochy when things can't go exactly the way that I am used to them going. And at the same time, balance this with paying attention to my needs and not getting subsumed in taking care of others.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Although I was missing your posts, I've been hoping that your writing absence was for good reasons, and I see that it is. I even note that while you're confessing to some personal aspects that cause you to feint a bit in action, your attitude is positive, hopeful, and, my god, I almost can't believe it, you used a derivative of the word "stress" only once! Excellent!
The L-Word was, as usual, great and, although I know you can watch it in repeat, I know you'll miss the camaraderie of watching it with your friends. I always think of you watching it with your friends when I'm watching it with my mother. I don't know what it is about that show, but watching it with people is somehow better than watching it alone.
One last mention...of the discussion with your mother about her age! I'm sure you must know how much I enjoyed that! Reminds me of a question I once heard asked on a talk show by a guest many, many years ago: "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?" Seems many of us finally get to that point; how interesting to be around one who can answer that question honestly!

Monday, March 12, 2007 1:49:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Gail. I'm laughing about the use of the word "stress" thing. I think it is telling though.

I ended up making it over to the L-Word - sometimes things just work out when we let go - my prospective student's bus arrived shortly at 7pm, and we went straight over there. Then we got sushi for dinner that my department will pay me back for. All in all not bad. I even slept okay with her here BECAUSE I was able to express my needs regarding when I sleep and need for quiet.

I was looking at your posts and thinking about this issue of the white lies or stories that we tell in order to comfort the person with Alzheimer's. That could perhaps become a post in and of itself.

Monday, March 12, 2007 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

Excellent idea for a post, Karma! I'll look forward to seeing it here!

Monday, March 12, 2007 1:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said... filled with glorious plans! It's wonderful to hear how you are out there living. In the moment! yippeeee!!!! Very cool you even had a guest in your house and was able to sleep! I am so proud! I must admit, I'm dying to see a pic of you and Jerry together. There, I said it.

Love, S.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 6:59:00 AM  

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