JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Missing Israel; Mom's Getting "Violent"

A friend of mine from Israel came to visit the last couple of days. We had a great time, although it was a whirlwind trip - she came in Thursday afternoon and left last night. Being with her made me REALLY think about Israel and when will I get to go back and when will I get to live there again. It also made me feel the loss of not doing my dissertation work on my Israel project. I also just really miss her now that she's gone and feel how much I miss my other Israel friends - Helen and Sara especially.

I just feel really disconnected from Israel. I think this is partially added to the fact that I'm dating someone not Jewish, who isn't connected to Israel.... Having my friend ask me about whether or not I would really marry someone not Jewish and what that would look like, it just kinda freaked me out. ESPECIALLY because Jerry insisted on not eating chicken with us Friday night when we made Shabbat dinner because he's apparently following some outdated Catholic rule (which the Pope even overturned!).

Okay, now add to this that she was also asking me about *A* who we hung out with a bit - and it was clear to her that there's still deep love between the two of us. We went to *A*'s hangout bar to buy him a drink for his birthday. And, I don't know, his friend who he hangs out with told me that he hasn't dated anyone. Its just hard that we don't fully have closurer there.

Then just to make me freak out more yesterday, Z phoned me by mistake and was kinda a jerk about it.

Plus, Mom's ALF told my dad that Mom has become "violent." She takes other people's drinks in the kitchen, and she was chasing another resident down the hall. My sister noted that who knows what that woman did to provoke Mom. Anyway, doesn't matter - Mom's clearly getting worse and developing the behavioral symptoms of Stage 6 Alzheimer's that we somehow naively thought we'd get away with not having to deal with. Now, this morning, my dad calls me to tell me that without his permission, they put her on Seroquel, an anti-psychotic that is commonly prescribed for people with later stage Alzheimer's.

I really want Mom to see a specialized geriatric pscyhiatrist, but Dad says that he doesn't want to bother with it. He's kinda throwing in the towel on being able to do anything with this. So, what's going to happen. I'm going to try on my own to find one through the Alzheimer's Association and see if the dr. will take my Mom's case either by going to her facility or not having to see my Mom or something. I don't know. All I know is, again this falls onto my lap.

And I'm just really sad to have this happen to my mom. I'm sad to not have plans to go to Israel and to feel so distant from my Israel research. I miss my Israel friends.

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep next to Jerry, and ended up coming downstairs to cry a bit while trying to hide it from him. Today, I am noticing that I'm just bitchy to be around, and sent him away, telling him that I need to just sit and cry a little to get it out of my system. He was sweet and gave me a big hug and asked if there was anything that would cheer me up. Honestly, I think that I just need to let myself feel sad and freaked out a little bit.

I'm a little scared about my upcoming trip next week to Oakland by myself. I got an offer to share a room with my ex-girlfriend, which I know would be a bad idea and Jerry's clearly not comfortable with, but it would mean that I wouldn't have to be alone and would save LOTS of money on hotel. But, I'll probably just stay by myself, but it just makes me nervous. And, I don't know how I'll face my Mom with her so much worse.

I'm sure tomorrow, I'll feel a lot better. I'm just hitting this place of deep sadness that I'm going to honor and let myself feel.

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Blogger Gail Rae said...

Yeeks! Somehow I missed this post! Good thing I scrolled back to see if more comments had been left on the following post.

Hmmm...I'm not exactly sure how to put this, it's something I'm wondering about your Mom, her violence and how typical it is of Stage 6 Alzheimer's. I'm curious: Would she remember these episodes, regardless of her being on an anti-psychotic med? If so, is there a chance that you could ask her what provoked her? Is it possible that she could have been provoked? If she was provoked, would her reactions necessarily be considered violent? Have you talked to her, yet, since these incidents and the application of the medication? I agree, too, that, if you can, a geriatric physician, if for nothing more than a second opinion, might be a good idea.

I'm also very sympathetic to you once again mentioning your connection with Israel and how much you miss it, and your people there. I'm vaguely wondering if you might be considering a third alternative, now that your life is once again up for grabs in regards to your dreams and what you see as your responsibilities and desires.

Yet one more reaction to this post: I consider it an excellent sign that you wanted to work through your confusion and sadness alone. Your mention of this doesn't even seem to have any whiffs of nervousness. Good show, Karma!

And A! And Z! And the third degree from your friends about Jerry and your intentions regarding marrying Jewish or not! You're holding up so very well, Karma!

Sunday, April 01, 2007 1:21:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Gail. I don't think that she would remember the episodes. I don't want to accuse her anything. I tried to open the possibility of her mentioning something last night at her place, but she didn't say anything.

Augh, I'm holding up amazingly well.

Monday, April 02, 2007 10:26:00 AM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

And with all due respect, Gail, I didn't give her "the Third Degree"

Sunday, April 15, 2007 12:28:00 AM  

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