JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Being Alone

So, a big theme for me right now is being alone - coming to terms with it, not feeling desperate about it, finding ways to not be alone so much but be okay with it when I am basically. For me, this is somewhat of an ongoing theme. In high school, I overfilled my days and was almost never alone. But at the same time, I was often traveling and doing another activity, so I wasn't too dependent upon one thing or person (I think). Then, in college, I had a hard time learning to relate to people when I wasn't "the leader" but just a regular person again.

When I moved to Israel, I had a hard time making friends and feeling really alone. But then again, I moved to a new place where I only knew two people, and one of them raped me the first night that I was there. Then, I moved to a small town in Ohio to finish my degree and was really isolated because of my age and the fact that new people never went into that town. Then, I went back to Kansas City, but knew that it would be short term again. And then, since I've been here, there's been this sense that I won't be here permanently either. So, all of my relationships get this temporal feeling (with some exceptions). I long for something permanent. This is especially true since my family relationships are so unhealthy and unfulfilling.

So, how do I approach the future with regards to being alone? In the past, I've gotten WAY too isolated and then I get desperate for human contact, which makes the contact feel forced and uncomfortable. It doesn't help that I work from home now and rarely have reason to interact with people much unless I have plans with someone or go to the grocery store.

Right now, I'm trying to connect with lots of people in little ways so that I don't start to feel dependent, desperate, or depressed. But, some seem to feel like I'm moving to fast by starting to date. I have to say though that I feel like the dating this is what is going to keep me from going back to Jerry. I feel so strongly that I miss him and feel anxious and lonely and so connecting with others becomes this distraction from that.

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5 Comments:

Blogger I Survive! said...

You are not alone Karma, there are others, plenty of others in your life. During such a big loss, it is natural to feel alone, but you are not. Take a minute a "see" who the other people are in your life, however insignificant it might seem.

The fear of being alone is natural and in someways even essential to help you move on. But don't let that fear drive your actions. That is when it comes out of desperation. While incredibly hard, try to face your fear... body scans help me. Perhaps they would help you as well?

Perhaps joining a class to do something you like might help you get you out of your rut?

Hang in there!

Monday, August 20, 2007 8:07:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks. So what do you mean by body scans?

I have started going to a meditation and a yoga class regularly. When the school year starts up, I'm thinking about taking a writing or a painting class.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007 1:56:00 PM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

I meant scanning your body (internally), perhaps with eyes closed. Start at the head and to down or work your way up. Notice where your emotion is "held"... perhaps as a lump in your throat, or a heaviness in your heart or something of that sort. Locate one of these, and focus on the nature of this -- color, shape, size, etc. Allow yourself to fully experience what it is like. Sometimes as I keep my attention on it, the quality of it changes. Simply keep following it.
I'm not sure why it works, but as I do this, my pain become tolerable and sometimes even disappears. I think as a survivor, we have learned to not trust our own bodies. So, when I "look" at it this way, curiously, I feel grounded to my body. This somehow helps.
Hope it helps you too!

Thursday, August 23, 2007 7:01:00 PM  
Blogger I Survive! said...

And good work on your yoga/meditation. Writing and/or painting both sound wonderful. There is something to be said about doing such slow manual labor. I'll be curious to know how it goes.

Thursday, August 23, 2007 7:03:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks - That's a good thing to think about. The main thing it seems when feeling anxious is to return attention in some way to the body, but that looks like a nice technique.

Friday, August 24, 2007 12:33:00 PM  

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