Being Alone

So, a big theme for me right now is being alone - coming to terms with it, not feeling desperate about it, finding ways to not be alone so much but be okay with it when I am basically. For me, this is somewhat of an ongoing theme. In high school, I overfilled my days and was almost never alone. But at the same time, I was often traveling and doing another activity, so I wasn't too dependent upon one thing or person (I think). Then, in college, I had a hard time learning to relate to people when I wasn't "the leader" but just a regular person again.

When I moved to Israel, I had a hard time making friends and feeling really alone. But then again, I moved to a new place where I only knew two people, and one of them raped me the first night that I was there. Then, I moved to a small town in Ohio to finish my degree and was really isolated because of my age and the fact that new people never went into that town. Then, I went back to Kansas City, but knew that it would be short term again. And then, since I've been here, there's been this sense that I won't be here permanently either. So, all of my relationships get this temporal feeling (with some exceptions). I long for something permanent. This is especially true since my family relationships are so unhealthy and unfulfilling.

So, how do I approach the future with regards to being alone? In the past, I've gotten WAY too isolated and then I get desperate for human contact, which makes the contact feel forced and uncomfortable. It doesn't help that I work from home now and rarely have reason to interact with people much unless I have plans with someone or go to the grocery store.

Right now, I'm trying to connect with lots of people in little ways so that I don't start to feel dependent, desperate, or depressed. But, some seem to feel like I'm moving to fast by starting to date. I have to say though that I feel like the dating this is what is going to keep me from going back to Jerry. I feel so strongly that I miss him and feel anxious and lonely and so connecting with others becomes this distraction from that.

MA With Honors, Jerry Being Jerky

Yesterday, after four long years of work on my master's degree, I finally passed my oral exam - with honors! The committee boasted of how rarely they give these out. So, I'm pretty proud. Also, exhausted. I put a lot of work into that.

And then afterwards, I had to go proctor an exam and sit in a three hour class. Then I enjoyed having a couple of friends over to toast the thing being over. I had been eating the wrong things and drank too much, and then Jerry made a comment as I gave him a kiss goodnight that I seemed to have "sick breath", which really upset me. So, I woke up at 4am from a bad dream about being really angry, and I could feel a migraine coming on.

In the morning, Jerry was nice enough to walk my dog for me. We were supposed to go camping tonight, but clearly that's not happening. I had kinda hoped that he might have some sort of nice dinner plans for us - to celebrate this whole MA thing. But he told me earlier that he was going to a grad student barbeque at 3pm. So when I called him around 5:30, he said he wasn't hungry. Then, he seemed kinda annoyed about the fact that I sent out an email about a celebration for my MA tomorrow night. He said: "I thought we were going camping." [He had already emailed me about this, and I hours ago sent a reply.] I told him that we had talked about camping tonight, but that I've been planning this party for awhile now and had long been inviting people PLUS its kinda a departmental tradition. Anyway, he said he had to get off the phone.

I started to feel wierd about the fact that he seems all annoyed, so I texted him "are you mad at me?" He didn't reply. So, I tried to call him, and he didn't answer his phone.

I have to say that I'm REALLY annoyed with him at this point. I'm still recovering from a migraine, this is all just miscommunication (something with dates that has happened in the past - because Jerry has a tendency to not talk through the details of what he wants to do and then just expects me to be completely flexible always), and its Friday night and he's just completely blowing me off.

I get the sense that we're not getting very far with the whole sexuality thing either. Maybe this isn't working out. I really care about him, and think that to break up over a small issue is silly. But, I really don't know if I'm up for this kinda stress - especially when this isn't the first time that he's gotten annoyed and ignored me.

I have all of this reading to do for my advisor tonight anyway, so I guess its not that big of a deal. And next week, I'm going out of town to visit my friend. And the next weekend, I have to spend all day Saturday in a workshop. And, I have lots of work to do. I feel lonely already just thinking about things ending with Jerry, but I know that I need to start standing my ground for how I expect to be treated. I'm worried a little bit that I'm falling into my pattern of cutting a guy out of my heart before I think that he'll break up with me WHICH always makes the breakup inevitable. Anyway, kvetch kvetch.

Jerry Called Me a JAP

Its been a busy couple of days. I've managed to start taking better care of myself though and brought myself to acupunture and got a massage yesterday. I'm also working hard on sleeping better and communicating with Jerry about birth control issues. We had a great night last night - he drove me up to the hills to watch the sunset and drink this really amazing beer. Then, we went to a new sushi restaurant, and he came over where we both fell asleep in each other's arms on the couch.

Today, he asked me to come with him to his beer club meeting. I said that I'd work out first, and then come by - as the club was meeting near my gym this month. In the car ride over there, Jerry called me a Jewish American Princess. I don't even know what we were talking about beforehand; I was just so shocked by it. At first I was just going to let the comment slide right off as if he hadn't said it. But, it just kept ringing in my head. I told him that to call someone that is offensive, and he said that he didn't realize. He apologized, but then told me that he didn't understand why I was "brooding" over the whole thing and if it really bothers me "why don't we just break up?"

I was really hurt and shocked. I called *A* who had told me before that he was going to be going out near my house and asked him if he'd give me a ride home. I left Jerry a text message that I'd be doing that....Jerry was supposed to make me dinner tonight, and then we were going to go to a party. But I haven't heard from him at all. I even called him at 6:30 - an hour and a half ago, but only got his machine.

I'm not quite sure what to think about the whole thing. It tends to take me a day or so to figure these things out - which is why I just wanted some time and space from Jerry. Although, if Jerry thinks it is okay to say sexist, mysogynistic, anti-Semetic things to me, and he's not going to try to understand where I'm coming from - maybe its time to end this.

I have to be honest that I REALLY don't want to do that. I really care about Jerry, and honestly these last 3 months - this is the longest relationship that I've had in a long time. And I've felt really comfortable and taken care of and connected and why is it that these things tend to happen so out of the blue? One minute you're happy and in what seems like this great relationship, and the next minute, you're being insulted and ignored and then months of your life just sort of disappear....