JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Follow-up on Story From Earlier Tonight: Practice Happiness

So Jerry called me back to apologize or argue, I couldn't quite tell which. He told me that I'm unforgiving and said that I was making it easy to not be my friend. He kept pushing me on what I would want at this point. I don't even know what happened in the conversation, but somehow he came over and brought dinner.

It was an awkward dinner. Lots of awkward pauses. Afterwards, we put in this movie that we had talked about seeing our second date (but Jerry insisted instead that we see "Night at the Museum." Anyway, so after dinner we watched "Painted Veil." I related us to the characters. And so it was hard when the awkward scientist who seemed schmucky ended up being the nice one as opposed to the one who seemed charming. Its a sad movie, and I found myself holding back a lot of tears at the end, a bit embarrassed to cry in front of Jerry, especially since many of the tears are about our lost relationship. I mean, clearly, we're not even going to be friends.

After the movie, I asked him what he thought of it, and all he said was "it was different than what I expected." I said "for me too," and went to the bathroom to pull myself together. When I came down, he had his things together, gave me a hug, and left.

At least, the guy from my first date (Thursday) emailed me (at like 8pm - think he didn't have plans) to talk about our next date. That made me feel less lonely. I honestly think that this is the end of Jerry and me. The last shred of anything that we had. He even mentioned on the phone that its sad to have this all be over, and I agreed. But, nothing's changed. I could be his girlfriend or his friend, and he'll still treat me like crap. I have to choose my dignity, my self, over the relationship. At one point, he actually came out and said that it seems like I'm choosing standing up for myself over our relationship. I told him that this is exactly right; I'm choosing myself over the relationship. (I don't think he realized that its not supposed to be this kind of choice; the relationship should not require me to give up myself.)

This month has been about taking a leap of faith. I have faith that things can be better. I have faith that I will find love again, and when I do, the person that I love will treat me better than this, and I'll find happiness. I believe that the path to happiness will be holding to this faith, having compassion with myself for not having been able to make it work with Jerry, and practicing taking the steps to make it happen. I'll practice dating, practice thinking about what I need, practice asking for what I need, practice giving myself what I need, practice meditating, practice eating healthy and exercising, practice happiness. I'll practice happiness until one day, the happiness will come without so much effort, and I'll be surrounded by its beauty.

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2 Comments:

Blogger tafka PP said...

Two things: First of all, good for you, I know this is hard but you're doing great. And it's very important that you get back into the routine of being happy with your life again.

And- I saw the film too, and it was very moving and thought-provoking. However, I also know that when one in this situation where the state of one's heart is at the forefront of one's thoughts and day, one could find messages in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Seriously, I found it helpful to avoid heart-related viewing for a period: West Wing DVDs worked well for me, I got to contemplate global issues instead of personal ones...

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 1:45:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Yeah, I've put some comedies on my netflix list. I could use some recommendations in this arena if anyone has any. I've also been watching a lot of "Flipping Out" on tv.

Thanks for the encouragement. I am working on getting happy back in my routine of life. Its a slow, step by step process. Sometimes I'm freaking out, but then I try to freak out less the next day....

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 8:30:00 AM  

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