JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Emotionally Withdrawn Jerry: Another Fight

Jerry has been wanting to go camping at these hot springs ever since we started dating, but the timing never works out. So when my book club got rescheduled for today, I suggested that we take advantage and go. He was futzing around with some friends at a local brewery, so I stopped by at his request. When I mentioned that if we're camping we should get in gear, he sort of made fun of me in front of his friends for yapping. I figured that we wouldn't go. But finally an hour later - like around 6pm, he says that he wants to go.

So I run home to throw some stuff together and take my dog to the doggie sitter's. I get to Jerry's house at 6:45, and he's sitting in the living room chatting with his roommate. I tell him that we gotta go, but he sort of putzes around some more commenting about how I'm nagging or something. Its an hour and a half drive, he says, and I really don't want to get there before dark.

Still, then he says that we need to pick up a pass and some food before we go. We arrive as the sun is setting and because some of the camp sites are closed, we end up driving in the dark. When we find an open camp site, I suggest that we make camp and find our way to the springs in the morning, but Jerry insists on keeping driving and then hiking to where he says he thinks the springs are. He gives me a flashlight, tells me to grab my towel and put away my sweatshirt and we go.

I'm cold and not feeling comfortable hiking in the dark somewhere I've never been before. I suggest to Jerry that we make a time to go back if we don't find anything - because we've brought no water, I'm cold, and it doesn't seem like we even know where we're going. We finally arrive to the end of the road, and there's no visible path. We stumble along, my following Jerry. I tell Jerry that I'm uncomfortable, but he's like not really hearing me; he's determined to get to the springs, which we can now hear.

So he goes off by himself for awhile. I hear this squeaky noise like a rat or something and just really freaked out that I don't know where I am, its dark, and I'm just feeling really powerless. So, I sit down and have a little cry.

Jerry comes back and leads me to the springs. Jerry apologizes for me getting scared, but kinda in a laughing at me sort of way. As I get into the springs, he goes off again to relieve himself, and I'm sitting naked in the springs (which are too hot to really sit in). When he returns, I try to make everything be okay and come over to him and kiss him. But everything feels awkward and just wrong. I get out and just start to really cry. I look up at the sky and think about how powerless I am with what's happening with Mom. Feeling powerless before just tapped into my feeling powerless about everything.

Jerry asks me what's wrong, and finally I tell him, after a little prodding. He doesn't really respond at all and then like tries to lightly change the topic of conversation. I'm feeling so put off at this point, that I get dressed and walk back to the road by myself, just taking some time to put myself together.

When Jerry gets back, he's now angry for leaving him. He asks me what's wrong, and I tell him that he seems to freak out whenever I get emotional. He says that this is how he always is and why is it a big deal all of a sudden. After being really ready for him to just hold me for awhile, he basically says that he can't deal with anything emotional. He doesn't say why or that this doesn't mean that he doesn't care about me or ANYTHING. He seems annoyed with me too, and we walk back mostly in silence.

As we put up the tent, he is barking orders at me and telling me that I'm doing things wrong. Then, when he gets in the tent, he just passes out asleep. So, I'm left there feeling emotional, hurt, and really lonely.

We kinda fought a little more this morning again. He kept barking orders at me, telling me I'm dong things wrong, and then expecting me to be having a good time. On the car ride back, he told me that he's annoyed with me for choosing to fight on the camping trip. I told him that I didn't choose to get sad. I don't even know what all was said. All I know is that I feel like he doesn't really care about me, like he's closed off emotionally, and like I'm supposed to be pretending....I don't know what the hell is going on, just that its all off.

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Blogger Shari said...

I wouldn't have liked to set up camp in the dark.

I guess most men have that "boys do not cry" mentality. They are supposed to be strong and when a woman is emotional they don't know how to handle it. Even if I were to confide my troubles to my hubby, he wants to solve it, not to talk about it and just listen.

Monday, July 23, 2007 5:42:00 PM  

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