"Don't Put Her Call Through"
So hospice organized an informational meeting with the family and facility today. I was going to participate on speaker phone and woke up early and reorganized my schedule. Then, I get a call from my sister just before the meeting was to begin saying that Dad says I can't participate on the call because I'm too controlling and told the person at the front desk that if I call not to put my call through. I'm very hurt and angry.
I've decided that if I do go to Kansas City, then I'm not staying with him. He's out of control with these hurtful, angry statements, and I'm not going to put myself in that environment. I wonder if its worth going now at all - my sister and her kids won't be there for most of the time because they're going to Florida. I'm going to have to rent a car and maybe get a hotel. Its going to be expensive. I won't have a good separate office space with which to work. I don't want to see my father. And I don't know if there's much to do for Mom at this point. She doesn't know who I am and doesn't much respond to me. Its always horribly emotional to travel, takes a lot out of me, and puts me behind with work.
What if I just stayed here and went to Esalen for New Year's? I could catch up with work and have some relaxation. What if I went just to KC for a couple of days around New Year's? I think its a shame to not be there for Mom, but she was the one who chose my father. She chose to marry him and for him to be in charge of all these decisions. I don't have to keep choosing to have him be a part of my life. This is hard enough as it is to deal with without his abuse.
Labels: Dad, decisions, family arguments, traveling
posted by Karma @ 10:37 AM
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7 Comments:
Good Post, Very informative Blog, I will be back ;-)
I think at this point you need to do what's right for YOU. You love your mother. You won't be able to change her situation. She won't know you. Your sister won't be there and from out here it looks as if your dad is afraid of someone seeing him and the choices he's making and speaking the truth about it.
If you go, then it's important to figure out ahead of time how you'll handle things. (((((((Hugs))))))) on an incredibly difficult situation.
Im going through about the same thing. My dad has gotton very hateful and im sick of it. I went to his morning hangout spot (Tim Hortons) and ate breakfast and had coffee, he was about to leave to visit Mom, i decided to stay and finish my coffee. His friends were still there and we started talking. I told them that i dont like going to dads because of his hateful behavior. They suggested that i go and if he acts out, tell him that im not going to stick around and that ill be back tomorrow and hopefully your in a better mood. They also said that he is upset because my brother doesnt visit mom at all. I did feel the same as you, thinking mom dont remember me but i went to visit her and talked to her about the holiday that we spent together baking cookies, making fudge and other things and i got a big smile out of her and a few words that i couldnt understand. So dont think that just because your mom doesnt remember your name, it doest mean she doesnt reconize your face. I would say go visit, plan to stay with your dad, just have a back up plan of a hotel incase he decides to act up.
Best to you and Happy Holidays,
Peg
It isn't just because she doesn't know my name that I think she doesn't recognize me. I can see it in her eyes. If I went every day or on a more regular basis, she would come to recognize my face more easily, but with these trips back and forth, there isn't much time. If I get a hotel, it probably won't be for the whole two weeks....I still don't know what to do. Thanks to Kawana, April and Peg for your support.
Hey there,
just read your post. I think it is important that you go - your time with your mom is already precious enough as it is, even though I know it is hard on you. Is there any way you can cut your trip a little shorter? 2 weeks is just long enough to drive you nuts with dealing with your dad I think. April's advice is great, you do need to decide in advance how you want to handle things with your dad. You need to give yourself breathing room. And even tho sis isn't going to be there, why not take advantage of staying at her house if you're having pocketbook issues? I'd say find out the few days sis & kids are going to be in town and reschedule your travel time accordingly. I wish I was going to be in town, I'd take you out!!!! (unfortunately it's me having pocketbook issues now) :)
Love you!!!
Um can I handle my Dad by avoiding him? That always works best.....okay - yeah my plan is to confront him calmly by pointing out what he does that is abusive when he does it and then to leave the situation. But, I guess I always have to go back, as long as Mom is around.
Very good point, with lots of implications for each of us: We each make choices that shape the rest of our lives. We may live to regret some, live to be grateful for others, BUT NO ONE CAN UNDO THE CHOICES WE'VE MADE NOR THE PATH UPON WHICH THEY SET US.
Although I "hear" anger, I'm sensing, more, disappointed resolve. I hope the disappointment fades for you, and the resolve strengthens you.
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