JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Getting Back to My Quest

I've had this realization that I need to separate from my father. My whole life he has been abusive - calling me names, yelling, manipulating, lying, controlling, and crossing boundaries inappropriately. He has never been emotionally supportive of me, although he's been richly financially supportive as well as friendly to me in order to get me under his control. He'll go through periods of being nice, but inevitably the abuse will return.

The only way forward is to become completely independent of him. I can't learn to rid myself of the effects of the abuse if I'm in a situation to encounter again, especially in this repeated and consistent manner. I cannot remain dependent upon him for anything - not financial advice, not details about my mom. I talked with Hospice, and they said that they'll give updates to either my sister or I as well as Dad. And I'm going to have to let go of having input on what happens to Mom. The decisions are in Dad's hands. This is what Mom wanted, so I'm not going to keep going through all of this turmoil trying to fight with him over what I think is best.

I have been falling into a bit of depression, and I think that part of it is this anger that I have towards both my parents - my father for being abusive and my mother for allowing him to be this way and never standing up for me. I'm also angry with myself for not standing up for myself sooner and for not valuing my own safety. I have to express that anger and get it out of my system, or else it will turn in on me into depression.

I think that the next step in my quest is going to be to say goodbye to my mom, to come to terms with my anger, to find my independence from my father, and to work on creating a positive and healthy life for myself with people who will not abuse me. Instead of being with my family who NEVER valued my needs, I need to surround myself with people who recognize my needs and will support them getting met.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Marj aka Thriver said...

Wow! This sounds like a very brave, mature and healthy plan. I know what you mean about a generous relative being controlling. Your description of your father reminds me very much of my maternal grandfather.

I wish you the best on this quest. You deserve it! Stay strong!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks Marj.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 12:40:00 PM  
Blogger April_optimist said...

All of these are profoundly difficult steps to take but very healthy ones. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I hold a vision for you of finding your path up and out of pain and into one of love and sunshine and happiness.

Oh--saw your post about your father's aneurysm. Prayers for him and for what this may be bringing up for you.

Thursday, December 20, 2007 1:11:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Here's to finding sunshine and happiness!

Thursday, December 20, 2007 8:31:00 PM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

I think your latest post shows that you are well on your way to accomplishing the goals you set in your last paragraph.
That's the interesting thing about going backward while I'm catching up with you, Karma...I think I always went forward, before. I can see your progress, and, in case you can't, I can hail you and say, "You're doing it, Karma, you're doing it!"

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 6:53:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

I needed to hear that Gail. I'm appreciating having your thoughts on this last period of my life. Its been such a whirlwind, I'd forgotten what things were like just last month.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 9:06:00 PM  

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