JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Homecoming After a Whirlwind Tour

I just arrived home after 3 weeks away: I flew to Kansas City and arrived late after 10pm. Then, I drove the next morning in my Dad's car to St. Louis for a conference where I gave two presentations back to back over lunch. Then, a good friend of mine from Indianapolis drove in to spend the weekend with me.

Next, back to Kansas City for a visit with the family and a meeting with hospice. So, how was Mom? Everyone agrees that she's declining fast. She's still having seizures, and the Ativan helps less and less over time. Eventually we'll have to decrease the dose. And if we increase it anymore, Mom will likely be bedridden she'll be so out of it. But then again, she's developing what's called gate, which means that she is struggling to move around, shuffles her feet without getting very far, and sometimes just falls to the ground.

And then there's the issue of eating: Mom is losing weight, which is a sign that she's not getting enough to eat. Clearly, the staff at her facility aren't prompting her as much as she needs. But hospice won't admit that.

Mom looked small, frail, older, weaker, more confused, less responsive, and she's hard to move around. I brought her up frozen yogurt in her favorite flavor, white chocolate moose, but I had to actually feed it to her, and she would forget what it was that she was eating after every couple of bites.

I don't think that I'll probably see Mom again. I don't have plans to go back, and she can't survive for too long under these circumstances, that is clear. Well, I guess nothing is clear, since it was a full two years ago that my sister was told that my mom probably wouldn't live longer than 6 months.

After Kansas City, I flew to the Northwest for another conference. I got very drunk one night at a lesbian bar with classmates. I ended up seriously making out with my ex-girlfriend. She has a boyfriend by the way. What a mess! I'm so clearly still head over heels for her. So I had a talk with her yesterday about boundaries and put everything on the table of what's going on for me. She said that she'll try to respect the boundaries and apologized. She told me that if she wasn't with her boyfriend, she would want to date me. She's not going to tell him what happened; apparently they have some sort of agreement that if something happens while they're drunk at a bar, that its okay and not to tell the other person. What a messy drama.

Anyway, now that I'm back at home, I finally have time to deal with all of these emotions - the grief about my mother, regret about how things went with my ex as well as longing to have someone to share my life with, overwhelmed about how much work I have to do, anxiety about the future, and relief to finally be home again. I'm grateful for a good airline experience today, that I finally got over my cold that I caught in KC, to be back with my dog, and that I have so many friends and role models.

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Anonymous tafka pp said...

Back with the dog is good. Gonna try and Skype you. Hugs x

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 5:14:00 AM  
Blogger April_optimist said...

Big (((hugs))). So many difficult things to deal with. Please be understanding with yourself. You're trying to figure out life--as we all are--and no one gave us an operating manual when we were born!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 1:00:00 PM  

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