JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Negative Coping Mechanisms

What a day I've had! Before I left the house to walk my dog, I got a call from my dad that Mom had a seizure. She hadn't eaten anything, and no one could wake her up. They just left her on a couch in the "living room" because it was too hard to move her anywhere. And she hadn't been given her medication, which doesn't make sense to me (although I didn't say it to Dad), but she should get liquid Ativan when she has a seizure, so they only need to open her mouth to give it to her.

While I'm talking to my dad, I get a call from my credit card company. Yes, my credit card company called me on Sunday! So I knew that I had to take the call. They told me that they suspected that my card number has been stolen.

I made it to spinning class, crying a bit on the car ride over to the gym as I process what's happening to Mom. I arrive a bit late to my ex-girlfriend and the teacher. (That's the whole class!) I announce what's happened that morning and am a bit disappointed when the ex doesn't ask anything following up about my Mom.

When I get home, I have to rush to get to Costco to pick up a few things. I host book club at 2pm, so its a rush to get ready. Only 2 people show, and they show almost an hour late. Neither of them have read the book. The second person doesn't leave until 5pm.

At that point, I'm feeling a bit anxious about not having gotten any work done all weekend. So, I text the ex, who had said she'd be at a coffee shop doing work with another friend of ours. I asked her to text me. So since I hadn't heard, I texted her. I didn't hear back for an hour. I decided to eat quickly before going. Then, just as I was on my way out with my laptop and a pile of books, she calls to say that they're all leaving.

So now I'm super frustrated, with emotions and nerves just swimming around. I write for a bit, and then call my neighbors to see if they want to share the rest of the champaign from book club. They say to come over, although serve me a huge glass and then don't have any. To top it off, one of them just arrived back to town, so I'm feeling super awkward being there.

Now I'm home and just had a bit of a food binge. I still am feeling anxious and just completely off.

Here's some of what's adding on to my anxiety:
1. I had a super awkward therapy experience. Thursday, I missed my appointment because I was too focused finishing my dissertation proposal. Twenty minutes in to my appointment, my therapist called me. She suggested that we just talk on the phone until the phone is up. So, I told her about how I'm feeling anxious about the fact that I didn't have plans for the weekend. I had scheduled Saturday with this guy that I met online, but he had blown me off. I'm super disappointed about. She kept pushing me to just find someone else to hang out with or comfort myself in the feelings. As time was running out, I told her that I'm tired of having this conversation with her (we've done it several times in the past). It makes me feel very negative, and it disregards the core issues that are beneath. The issue is that I have a deep loneliness, a fear of being alone and not being loved, and a lack of self-esteem. She has to get off the phone to go to a meeting, but asks if I'm "okay." I am annoyed by this over-played script of blowing me off. So, instead of just saying yes and getting off the phone, I tell her that the world isn't going to end because I spend a weekend alone.

2. Augh I'm so disappointed that this guy blew me off. I know that part of what happened is that when I met him, I was still in conference/travel/exhaustion mode. So I was too formal and not open enough. I know that part of me is just not ready to be with someone, but I SOOO desperately want a partner.

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2 Comments:

Blogger April_optimist said...

Was your credit card number stolen? Mine was and the company issued me a new card and cancelled the unauthorized charges. It's getting more and more common these days. I try to check my online accounts once a week. (That's how I caught it.)

As for the other, the loneliness....

I'm guessing that as long as you MUST have company on the weekend, you'll end up finding people who blow you off or mistreat you. They'll pick up on your unhappiness with yourself and/or your life. At least that's how it worked in my life.

What if you start with what you love about yourself? What if you start with a list of what would be great in someone you dated?

What could you do all by yourself that would be fun? Because if you can be happy with you own company, odds are greater you'll attract people who will treat you well.

(And yeah, I know how obnoxious that all sounds. I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize it was still true.)

Friday, May 09, 2008 3:11:00 PM  
Blogger Karma said...

Trust me that I get what you're saying, and working on this has been a long process. And I made it through, its just a difficult and arduous process. Thanks for your support. I'll try to come back to these lists.

Friday, May 09, 2008 10:56:00 PM  

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