JewBu Quest: From Abuse to Happiness

JewBu: a Jew who practices forms of Buddhist meditation & spirituality. This blog documents my quest to 1) heal from sexual, verbal, and emotional abuse, 2) come to terms with losing Mom and Grandma to Alzheimers, 3) find balance, explore the spiritual, stay present. Bascially, I've experienced some pretty crappy shit in my life and want to find a way to move past it and find happiness.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Why My Relationship with *A* is Tied to My Healing From the Rape

I just got back to therapy, and we left things with needing to explore more the tie (in my mind) between my relationship with *A* and healing from the rape. I feel like I need *A* to forgive me for what happened and for how I responded afterwards. I also feel like if I don't get a second chance from him that it means that the rapist robbed me of my relationship with *A*, and I don't want him to have that power.

I wrote about this a couple of months ago here. But, I realize how much this was an issue for me last year, before I got overwhelmed with the murder and my family and everything. I had gotten to the point of feeling like I could move on and get past it, but I think I'm kinda getting pushed back to feeling like I need to resolve this. Of course, maybe I can't resolve it because *A* doesn't want to work with me on it, and I really just need his forgiveness.

Or maybe the path for me right now is just to keep practicing moving past it on a daily basis - trying to let go of things with *A* a little more every day.

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gosh, knowing the background that I know...part of me wishes that *A* was more open and that you two could have a few counseling sessions together, just to get it all out on the table and mutually forgive/expunge emotions for once and for all. I hope you know that I really do understand why it's so hard to let go of *A*, and it makes it even harder that he can't talk about it. I'm not sure what happened when you told him you were raped, part of me feels like perhaps he doesn't have the tools to deal with it either, and it's just easier for him to not deal with it. Do you think he understands that you feel that part of your healing has to do with him? Maybe I'm just reading too much into it, but I read your linked post to this post and it just got me started thinking. I know it is hard for you K, but you have got to, little by little give yourself permission to forgive yourself. You have made attempts to talk and work it out with *A*, and sometimes there's a reason why the relationships we want most don't work out. Then again, I dunno - maybe there are wounds that time can not heal? Perhaps I don't know what the heck I'm talking about. Anyways, I love you no matter what, don't forget!!!

Love, S.

Thursday, November 30, 2006 6:44:00 AM  
Blogger Karma said...

Thanks. I was in denial about having been raped until I went for a visit to the States. That first night in my parents' home, I was flooded with the memory of what happened; it was like that was the first time that I felt safe again. I called *A* immediately after I remembered.

But, I don't think that he put everything togeter; I certainly didn't. We had talked about all of this since he moved to town, but he basically said that he's moved on with his life and doesn't want to go back and think about that time.

There was a time last year before everything happened that I felt like I was forgiving myself and moving past it - I don't know if the retriggering stuff has reopened that wound or if I was kidding myself before about it having healed. *A* has straight out told me now that whatever pain I have now, its my pain and I have to deal with it on my own.

Thanks for your support S. :) I love you too. And I really appreciate how much you keep up with the blog and always comment.

Thursday, November 30, 2006 9:59:00 AM  
Blogger Gail Rae said...

I would say, keep going forward, regardless of what response or non-response you get from *A*. Are there wounds that cannot heal? Good question. There is, though, always, faith that they can, whether or not *A* cooperates in your need for his forgiveness.

Sunday, December 10, 2006 7:52:00 PM  

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