Mom's ALF is Inept

I called Dad while walking on the beach with my dog. He told me that he had been over to Mom's to take her out to dinner, like he does every Saturday. When he arrived at 4:30pm, Mom was in her room (staff are supposed to keep the door locked until bedtime) in her pajamas sleeping in her bed.

Dad got her up and dressed, which was supposedly not an easy task because since she was sleeping, she was very disoriented. He struggled so much that he decided that it wouldn't work to take her out to dinner and that he'd come back the next day to try again. It is especially sad, he noted, since due to bad weather, he wasn't able to take her then either.

Dad said that he called the director of the facility after not having any luck finding the staff supervisor at the facility. The director told Dad that this only happens 8/9 times, so Dad shouldn't complain. I mean, let's be honest, if Dad hadn't arrived, Mom would have missed dinner and been left to sleep until the middle of the night, when there's no staff. I've seen lots of cases of people missing dinner in the past, and there's no food around if they're hungry later, with the exception of perhaps a peanut butter sandwich on white bread or a grilled cheese (with American processed cheese food) IF there's still any around.

It is the weekend, so my sister is supposed to go put her to bed instead of the woman that I hired. I tried to call my sister, but she didn't answer her cell or at home.

I called Mom, and the person working at the front desk couldn't get any staff from Mom's floor to answer the phone. She was nice enough (a rarity) to go up there herself and find my Mom. She asked what Mom's room number is, and I explained that Mom shouldn't be in her room. Mom had a hard time talking on the phone she was so disoriented. She told me that she was looking at a card, and I didn't recognize the names she said. I think that she has someone else's mail, which is not uncommon for the staff to just leave it out somewhere instead of making sure it gets to residents' rooms. Clearly, there was nothing going on - I couldn't hear anything. I REALLY hope that Mom wasn't put again in her room. I asked the front desk person to put on one of Mom's videos. Mom could barely repeat "Streisand" when I suggested it. Augh, I'm so mad. At least, Dad said that he'll speak with the director's boss after we move Mom out.

Question for Caretakers: How does it affect your relationships?

Well, I realize that all of my kvetching about my relationship with *A* may not be so relevant to all of my caretaker readers. But, I realize what the connection is: For me, the situation with my mom and all of the other crisis have taken a toll on my relationships with others. I don't have as much energy to put into others like I used to because my energy gets focused onto my mom. Some friends seem sick of hearing about it. I can understand that it must be a hard thing to deal with.

So here's my question to my fellow careatakers: How has caretaking affected your relationships with others (other than the person you're taking care of)?

If you decide to answer this question on your own blog, please link to it in the comment section here.

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Thank You

Mom's nurse just called me so I could talk to Mom a bit. She sounded really good today, remembering all sorts of things. Then, all of a sudden she said, "I want to thank you for everything you've done for me. I can't wait to see you when you get back."

I just broke into tears a bit. She's so sweet. And, it felt really good to be acknowledged.

She's putting my mom to bed too early though, and it is really hard to talk to her about stuff because she just wants to get off the phone, and I know that I'm not there, so I don't want to be criticising.

Hard to Say Goodbye

*A* moved the rest of his stuff out tonight. I could feel myself getting really mad at him, and then I realized that I'm not really mad at him, I'm just upset that he's moving out. I know that he was always only supposed to be here temporarily and that I'm supposed to be moving on with my life and letting go of any hope of being in a real relationship with him.

But it is so hard. He is really my only means of support here (other than services I receive - massage, acupunture, therapy). And I've loved him for 17 years. It is SO difficult to connect with people in my town; I started looking around for grief support groups and meditation classes, which will be both good for me and a way to connect with people without the pressure of grad school competitiveness.

Things don't seem to be going so well with the woman that I hired to take care of Mom in the evenings. Dad called me to tell me that she was over there one morning with some kid that she was babysitting. And my sister called me to tell me once that she wasn't over there when she was supposed to be one evening. And then Monday night, she wasn't there either. It is hard being so far away from Mom.